The News

I had originally planned to make this blog post a lenghty nostlgia-filled tribute to my four years at Holyoke Catholic. Of my failures and triumphs, of friends made and lessons learned. Unfortunately, I've been exceedingly busy, lazy, and/or starved for creativity for the past week and a half, and thus have waited till the last moment as always, and will end up doing a half-rate job. But, nevertheless, I will post.

First let me say to all my friends, thank you. It has been an honor and a privilege to spend this time with you. I wish we could stay together forever. Soon I will have posts to thank each one of you individually, but for now a group gratitude is all I have time for.

Next, I enjoyed Senior year immensely. I branched out more than ever, and was given a lot of responsibilties. I feel as far as relationships and extracurricular achievements go, I did very well. I feel a strong bond with everyone who was with me in those extracurricular endeavors. However, scholastically I did not do so well.

Which brings me to my next point. This may come as a shock to some of you, an inevitable conclusion to others: I will not be graduating with my class. I wish I had let you all know sooner, but I either didn't want pity or confusion, or I was too scared. I'm sorry. The only thing I feel bad about is not being there with you to share that day. Otherwise, I could care less. In all honesty, I've done my "Woe is me" crying bit already. I'm over and completely cool with it. But,

I would still like to attend. So, if any of you have any extra invitations, I'd be much obliged if you could throw one my way. (Except for Tony, I'd prefer if you handed one to me, otherwise I'd end up with it embedded in my forehead.) I realize this is short notice, but if you could ask Sr. Marlene at some point I would be forever grateful. (Don't say it's for me, though. If you do she may be disinclined to give one to ya. She and I don't really like each other.)

So, that's it for now. It's been a great year, guys, and I'll see you soon.

Moron Humor . . . I mean more on humor.

I said last night, or thi 'smorning, rather, that I would speak more about humour. I was not mistaken in this declaration, but will bring news of my funny to the entire nation! Jibbity jibbity, an' rat a tat tat. After reading Tony's comment, I realized there's a lot more to my humour, and to humour in gereral what needs addressin'. So here are some additional thoughts on the matter, as well as my plans for the day, and some other bits of treacle and soap bubbles.

Sometimes jokes occur to me that seem hilarious, and after I give them a moment's thought, I realize that they would be funny to no one else but me. I think of crazy stunts or pranks, or developing weird voices, and then it hits me that nobody would find it funny, but would, in many cases, be shocked, frightened, or offended. It takes a while for the impulses to go through with said jokes dies down, but eventually it does, and the world is less chaotic for it.

Another thing Tony said was that what he does never strikes him as being humour. Maybe he has a point, maybe true humour is not governed by desire to be funny, or make people laugh, maybe it comes from a quietude within ourselves . . . . . . . . . no, that's stupid. Maybe Tony is just special.

Here's my answer to another random question. The "question": I have broken up with my band and am about to release my first solo albumn. These are my liner notes: I don't know what liner notes are, so I'm gonna assume it has to do with the "Thank You's." Thanks to mom, dad, the divorce lawyers, daddy's friend Miguel, and my 7 grandparents and all their dwarf butlers. Thanks to Kevin Arbarry and all the hardworking folks at Bastard Tooth Records. Thank you to Caitlin for all the years of spiritual guidance and nipple-tweaking **THIS IS CAITLIN: WHAT?! there was none of that...** Thanks to Steve Buscemi, Marty Kolpacker, Shandra Jenkins and the Willibusters. Thanks to God for all that stuff, and St. Peter for kicking my ass and gettin' me in gear. **Caitlin again (really it is): And thanks to sandwiches**

I'll have one more important post para esta noche, so stayed tuned, kiddies.

Current Mood: Disjointed.
Current Music: Toad the Wet Sprocket

Saved by the Bouyancy of Citrus

I thought this random, yet hilarious familiar sounding phrase would be just the right one for my blog post on humour. It comes from a stand-up special with Mitch Hendberg, one of my favorite comedians. Tonight I attended a comedy show featuring Colin Mochrie and Brad Sherwood, of Whose Line is It Anyway?, and on the way home I decided I would write about it in my blog, so truly funny a show was it. When in front of my computer, however, after veiwing the first chapter of Whitmore, the Toad Pirate, I realized that the blog entry should really be about humour in general. Humour is something I hold in very high regard, as evidenced by my mastery of it, as well as my usage of the pretentious British spelling for it.
Ever since I was young I've had a natural aptitude for funny. When I was but a lad of 4 I had the guests at my uncle's wedding reception in stitches with my stories of romantic endeavors. All my life, making people laugh has come easily for me, and, more importantly, is something I enjoy doing. I like making people laugh not just for social acceptance or popularity, nor for the thrill one gets after stand-up or sketch comedy performances, not even for the hundreds of incredibly hot women who have wild sex with me with no strings attached because of how damn funny I am. No, I enjoy it so much because I think it to be a noble thing to do, trying to brighten people's days and bring humour to an oft joyless and Puritanical world. And while one's ambitions and hopes of bringing laughter to the downtrodden can be crushed by horrendous censorship-mongering joy-killing assholes, like Sr. Connie, *winks at Sr.*, or by the soulless tools who aid them, *hey, Mr. Paul*, the terrible feeling of hate toward the oppressors, or sadness at the loss of laughter, is far less than the feeling of true happiness at making others feel better through something as awesome as humour.
So, this is my tribute to humour:

First, I'd like to talk about the show I saw tonight . . . uh . . . yesterday. It was Springfield Symphony Hall. Colin Mochrie and Brad Sherwood played extended Improv comedy games, some from Whose Line, some I've never seen before. It included a large amount of audience participation. Some of the highlights were: The long game of Whose Line; the finale, a twenty minute-long sequence in which Colin left the room while the audience gave Brad suggestions about a crime Colin had commtitted (he rented Gigli and painted his grass purple while wearing only a jellyfish, a mousetrap, and a lego block, in Agawam, at the Up Yours Sewage Cleaning Facility, but left at the scene of the crime a poncho, a castinette, and a chicken) and when Colin returned, Brad had to get him to confess the crime by giving him clues. (example: you like the show CHiPs, right? Well how would Erci Estrada's name [Ponch] be if he was Irish? [O'Ponch] and you were dyslexic [Ponch o]); and the best game of the night: The most dangerous Improv game ever performed: 100 mousetraps were laid out. Colin and Brad had to do the Alpahbet Game while barefoot and blindfolded amongst 100 set mousetraps. Painful hilarity galore! I hope I can go to another show like that soon.

Secondly, for anyone who's humour needs work, or who is interested in Humour Theory, I recommend the book "How to Be Funny," by Jon Macks. I found most of it obvious, a bit like Mozart reading a book on introductory composing, but it was insightful and I doubt I could have explained humour nearly as well, despite already having realized most of what he was writing about. The book itself was funny, which is a plus. I have a copy if there are any interested parties who want to borrow.

Next, I'd like to mention something I really love in my relationships with my friends, something I have just dubbed "humour exchange." This occurs when one friend introduces a joke or phrase into the group and one or more friends adopts it into their our repetoire. For instance, when Tony writes or memorizes a song, and we try to learn it, or at least dance with him when he sings it, or when someone . . . I think it was me . . . introduces "Zing," from where ever I stole it, and other people start to use it. I felt very close to Tony when I first heard him say "zing." It signifies something more than our jokes and senses of humour being pleasing to the masses; it means that our friends, whose humour we admire, appreciate ours enough to use it. I love that.

I think true humour needs to come naturally. It can't be developed or learned. If you have it, it can be perfected, but if you don't, you can never be consistently hilarious.

Watching the humour you decide to attempt is also important. I have no doubt that Tones is so great at Python sketches, or EJ at crazy funny, or myself moderately successful at stand-up, because we have watched hours of it.

I need a style for my stand-up. As of now it's very indistinct. I mean, I'm not dirty like Dave Attell, or loud and angry like Lewis Black, or confusingly insightful and half coherent like Micth Hedberg. I gotta work on that.

Here are some stand-up dates. I'll hopefully be performing at PACE, along with a lot of others, on these nights, so clear ya calendars.
Friday June 4
Thursday July 1
Thursday August 5.

I think that's all I got for now. I'm really tired and coked up outta my mind . . . no, wait, just tired. So forgive this entry's brevity, lack of logic, and spelling errors, it's like 2 in the morning.

Rich's Joke Corner will be replaced by Mitch Hedberg's thoughts on life.

Mitch Hedberg's Thoughts On Life:

I like sandwiches. I always order Club Sandwiches, even though I'm not a member. I don't know how I get away with it. Club Sandwiches. "I like three slices of bread in my sandwich." "Me too, let's start a club."
"We need ground rules. We'll cut the sandwich once, then again. Four mini-triangle sandwiches. Arranged in a circle." "And in the middle we will put chips, or potato salad." "Okay, but I need to ask you, what do you think of frilly tooth picks?" "I'm all for 'em." "Me too. This club is formed! Spread the word on menus nation-wide." "I like my sandwich with alfalfa sprouts." "Fuck you, you're not in the club!"

I don't know much about cars. If my car stops runnin' and the gas light isn't on "E," I'm fucked. If it is on "E" I get all cocky. "I got this one! Let me get out my tool box, a.k.a. wallet." I'd make a lousy mechanic. People'd bring their cars into me, "My car won't start." "Uh . . . maybe there's a killer after you."

I have an ocillating fan at my aparment. It moves back and forth. It looks like it's sayin' no. So I ask it questions a fan would say no to. "Do you keep my hair in place?" "Do you leave my documents in order?" "Do you have three settings?" "Liar!" My fan fuckin' lied to me. I will pull your button up, now you ain't sayin' shit!"

Well, thanks to all you for reading this. More on humour later, probably. And thanks to all my friends out there who are funny. You know who you are. (Probably anybody reading this.) I'm off to sleep now. ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz. . . .

Current Mood: Tired.
Current Music: Tired.

The Final Installment.

What Do You Think Of When You Hear These Common Names?... :

Jack:: The Ripper! Hit the Road, or Of All Trades, Mostly. Also, Jack Lelane, ‘cause he pulled a boat across a harbor with his teeth when he was 70, and Skelington, from the Nightmare Before Christmas, and Black, and a whole buncha other stuff.
Tiffany::
Ben:: Charleton Heston
Maria:: West Side Story, or the uber-smart Zieja
Jennifer:: Murray, Luckaziwitz, the song 27 Jennifers by Mike Doughty
Nicole:: Warren, Benson, my cousin
Amy:: The Pink Power Ranger!
Adam:: Goddu
Richard:: the coolest guy in the known universe
Arnold:: Hey! The Guvenator!
Tom:: Thumb, the Uncle with the Cabin, and Jerry
Melissa:: a girl I knew from the Trip
Charlotte:: Bronte? ‘s Webb?
Harold:: The Prince
John:: my uncle, my uncle, many things, it’s a common name
Joel:: Billy!
Vanessa:: Austin Powers
Michelle:: Supernaut
Kevin:: Bacon
Brent:: is that a name?
Jake:: the Tae Kwon Do master who stole my girlfriend
Billy:: Madison
Sarah:: my cousin, Hanners, and Plain and Tall
Natalie:: uh . . .
Christy:: My cousin
Nick:: uh . . .
Linda:: Fiorentino . . . wrowww!
Taylor:: James?
Jordan:: the River or Michael
Jamie:: Look out, she has a weapon of some sort!
Adrian:: Brody

Have You Ever.... :

Mooned anyone:: Yes, ma’am.
Been on a diet:: Kinda.
Been to a foreign country:: Yuh-huh.
Broken a bone:: Only two.
Swallowed a tooth/cap/filling:: I swallow a lot of things *wink* but never those.
Swear at a teacher:: No, close, though.
Got in a fight:: Physical? A couple.Dated a teacher:: Hey there, Mrs. DeStefano . . .
Laughed so hard you peed your pants:: No. Never.
Thought about killing your enemy:: I’ve thought about killing a lot of people.
Gone skinny dipping:: Frequently.
Told a little white lie:: I have never lied.
Told a secret you swore not to tell:: No.
Stolen anything:: I think so . . . *glances at Mona Lisa original*
Misused a swear word and it sounded absolutely stupid:: That’s a load of assing fuck!
Been on TV:: Yeah, a lot.
Been on the radio:: Yeah, once.
Been in a mosh pit:: No, I’m afraid I’ll hurt someone.
Been to a concert:: Yes and yes.
Dated one of your best friends:: Well, we dated then became best friends, does that count?
Loved someone so much it makes you cry:: I guess I know what you mean . . .
Deceived somebody close to you:: All the bloomin’ time.
Broken the law:: *glances at hookers snorting the coke I’m supposed to be selling* No.
Been to a rodeo:: I wouldn’t want to, but I love two Garth Brooks songs about rodeos.
Been on a talk show:: Not yet.
Been on a game show:: Yes.
Been on an airplane:: Sadly.
Got to ride on a firetruck:: Not intentionally.
Came close to dying:: All the time!
Cheated on a bf/gf:: Didn’t have any good chances to.
Gave someone a piggy back ride:: Hey there, Tones . . .
Terrorized a babysitter:: Sadly yes. I’m sorry.
Made a mud pie:: No.
Had a dream that you're falling off a cliff:: Cliff? No. Skyscraper, yes.
Snuck out of the house at night:: Sneaked? Yeah I done that.
Been so drunk you don't remember:: I can’t remember.
Felt like you didn't belong:: 4th through 8th grade!
Felt like the 3rd wheel:: Hi, Andrew and Caitlin. Hi, Brendan and Meg.
Smoked:: I want to.
Done drugs:: I took speed pills.
Been arrested:: Not yet. I’ve killed all the cops that’ve tried.
Had your tonsils removed:: Kinda.
Gone to camp:: Yep. That was great til the bears came . . . all over my face.
Won a bet:: Yeah.
Written a love letter:: I believe I have.
Gone out of your way to be with the one you love:: Yeah, but she doesn’t know it.
Written a love poem:: Oh, yeah, a few.
Kissed in the rain:: No. Damn.
Slow danced with someone you love:: My cousin . . . .
Participated in an orgy:: I’d really like to.
Faked an orgasm:: That’s how I won the bet.
Stolen a kiss:: Some one stole one from me.Asked a friend for relationship advice:: All the time. Thanks, B.
Had a friend steal your bf/gf:: Yeah. Bastard.
Watched the sunset/rise with someone you love:: Not yet.
Gotten a speeding ticket:: I never speed.
Done jail time:: Nope.
Had to wear a uniform to work:: No.
Won a trophy:: Yes, and medals.
Thrown up in public:: No.
Bowled a perfect game:: No.
Failed/got held back:: I’ve failed quarters.
Got perfect attendance in grade school:: Hell no! I try not to.
Roasted pumpkin seeds:: The fish?
Taken ballet/karate lessons:: Boxing?
Attempted suicide:: I tried to kill myself through dehydration.
Cut yourself:: On purpose? No, that’s what girlfriends are for.

Child Stuff:

Did you play with Barbies/G.I. Joes::Go Joe!
Did you own Treasure Trolls:: I . . . uh . . . gotta go.
Did you watch Beverly Hills 90210:: Not one freaking episode.
Did you play Simon Says:: Yep.
Did you watch Fraggle Rock:: I love that show!
Did you wet the bed:: A lot . . . but that was way back in Freshman year.
Did you believe there were monsters in your closet or under your bed:: What do you mean, “believe”? There were!
Did you wear the underwear with the days of the week on them:: No.
Were you shy:: I was, still am.
Were you spoiled:: Nope. I had to get up in the morning at 10 o’ clock at night. Half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of cold poison, and then work 29 hours a day down t’mill. Plus, pay the mill owner for permission to work there. Then when I got home, my dad would kill me and dance on my grave singing, “Hallelujah!”
Were you abused:: Not quite. I’ve had scuffles, though.
Did you go to the circus:: Yeah, I hate actual circuses.
Did you go to the zoo:: The Bronx Zoo.
Were you in a car accident:: Two I think.
Did you build snowmen:: Well, more like mutant killer deranged snow goons, but yeah.
Did you cry when you scraped your knee:: I didn’t have time to!
Were your older cousins mean to you:: Yeah. They wouldn’t let me play with their Ninja Turtles!
Did you think slinkies were cool:: Yes, and I still do.
Did you think the Ninja Turtles really lived in the sewer:: Never. But I vowed to slay them.
Were you afraid of the dark:: I still am.
Did you have slumber parties:: A couple.
Did you have New Kids on the Block sheets, pillows, pajamas, sleeping bag?:: Actually yes. I still do.
Did you tease your hair out like Tiffany:: I do now.
Did you believe in the Easter Bunny/Santa Claus/ and the Tooth Fairy:: I know they exist!

Randomness:

Do you believe in aliens:: I believe humans are not the only life in the universe.
Name three things that are next to your computer:: Phone, Game Boy, Printer
Do you have any hidden talents:: um, aside from being able to please 5 women simultaneously, no hidden talents anymore.
Do you wish MTV would play music videos:: That, or explode.
If you were to star in a movie, what kind of movie would it be:: A feel-good, buddy comedy, romance adventure action flick . . . with robots . . . and Tim Curry.
What would your movie star name be:: Richard Kine
Do you play any sports:: Crew, weight-lifting, boxing
What's the scariest movie you've ever seen:: The Haunting, maybe. Uh . . . the Gate?
What is the best movie you've seen in the theater or rented recently:: Theatre: Shrek 2, Rented: From Hell or Escape from L.A.
What is the dumbest movie you've ever seen:: I tend to repress thoughts of dumb movies.
Do you drive:: like the wind!
What is your dream car:: and Audi convertible, or the Gadget mobile.
Do you think your good looking:: Yes I do, kinda. You are too good looking, Jenn.
Do others think you are good looking:: Some do.
Would you ever sky dive:: If I was drunk, an action hero, or head over heels in love. So, yeah, let’s do it right now!
Do you believe in Bigfoot:: Kinda. I believe in The Jersey Devil and Nessey as well.
How many rooms do you have in your house:: 8 rooms, two baths? Then there’s the combat training room, the tactical situation room, and the s&m dungeon. . . I mean . . . I don’t have those.
Are you afraid of roller coasters:: Nope, they're fun
Do you believe in God:: I think I already covered this, but yes. Completely.
Do you believe in Satan:: Yeah. Poor guy.
Do you believe there is a heaven:: I do. And in it, I’m gonna be a superhero!
Do you believe there is a hell:: not an eternal one, but yeah.
Do you own a pooltable:: I had a pool, and now have several tables, does that count.
Do you have a pool:: Not anymore.
Do you have a dishwasher in your kitchen:: yeah. His name is Miguel.
Do you like chocolate:: Yeah . . . I guess.
Who/what is on your 2004 calendar:: LOTR
How many U.S. states have you been to:: 9. MA, CO, NJ, NY, CT, RI, NH, VT, CA
Ever wished on a shooting star:: no, never seen one.
Best Halloween costume you ever wore:: werewolf, with a wig cut up and patched everywhere to make it look like hair bursting out.
Do you carry any weapons on you:: yeah, knives, clubs, pepper spray.
What is your weakness:: Uh . . . my laziness and procrastinatory tendencies.
Name something you can't get enough of:: Books and good TVDescribe yourself in 3 adjectives:: Funny, Open-minded, Smart and strong . . . wait, that’s four. I’ll have to make up a new one that’s a combination of two . . . Funny, Open-minded, Plutoneous. (It means smart and strong.)
How many kids do you want to have:: 3 or 4
Future daughters names:: Mary, Elizabeth, Janine
Future sons names:: Paul, Matthew, Peter
What is your ideal way to die:: I think stabbed in a knife fight, and then I grab the guy who stabbed me and say something cool like, “You won’t live to regret that!” amd throw him off the skyscraper we’re fighting on, and then slowly die as my girlfriend/buddy, comforts me.
How do you release stress:: sleep, lift weights, run, cry, punch microwaves and doors.
Do you consider yourself a trendy person:: No, not at all.
Are you an artisitic person:: yeah, in a few ways.
Are you a realistic person?:: sometimes overly so, sometimes slightly not.
Do you un-tie your shoes every time you take them off:: No, I rarely un-tie, I live too fast paced a life.
Are you a strong person:: I bench 300 lbs, and have weathered my parent’s divorce and the deaths of loved ones fairly well, what do you think?
Are you a strong willed person:: Depends. I can work roofing all day long, or have the will power to stay up all night working on a script, or willing myself to get on stage and perform stand-up that I wrote that day in front of my peers . . . but the research paper thing’s still goin’ not too great . . .
Who is the last person to e-mail you:: AOL Member Services
Who is the last person to IM you:: Dan McL
Do you hate chain e-mails:: Yeah, because they’re the reason I only have one eye. I know what you’re gonna say . . . it’s glass.
Are you a deep sleeper:: Yeah . . . too deep.
Are you a good story teller:: If I worked at. I’m a better story writer.
What do you believe is your best quality:: My sense of humour
What is your greatest accomplishment:: Jenn had the best answer to this one, so I’ll repeat it: Fucking you. But in reality, my stand-up performances, what I’ve done for HCHS, and making the friends I have.
Do you like to burn candles or incense:: Well, you can’t burn yourself with hot wax from incense . . . so figure it out.
Do you have your own credit card:: Yeah, sadly.
Let's say you win the lotto. What do you do with all the money?:: Houses, cars, books, suits, presents for my friends, and if I had a million dollars, I’d buy your love. Then I’d try to save HCHS.
Do you have a check book:: No
Do you like your drivers licence:: Yeah.
Do you tan easily:: I burn more easily.
What color is your hair naturally:: sandy blonde/ golden brown
How many fillings do you have:: none.
How many cavities did you have at your last dentist visit:: None
Worst feeling in the world?:: Hopeless, frustrated, powerless, the knowledge that you’ve wasted your time or money, the feeling you get when you’re romantically close to someone you don’t love.
Best feeling in the world:: After stand-up is nice, or when people appreciate my hard work and talent.Is the glass half empty or half full:: Whichever you choose, drink it all down and I hope you enjoyed every sip.
Last thing you downloaded:: something from Homestarunner.com
Do you catch yourself using online terms in your real life?:: Only when pointing out how stupid they are.
What do you think people think of you:: I think you’re hot, Jenn Murray. Hot and cool and funny and kind. So THERE! About me? Funny, socially awkward, smart, physically strong, lazy
Are you a likeable person:: Yes. I’m decent to everyone even if they’re bastards. However, if someone becomes an excessive bastard, I get unlikeable really quick.
Do you need therapy:: Physical? I could use some yoga or acupuncture. Mental? Maybe, but I don’t like psychiatrists. Spiritual? Probably. I’ve gotten lax in my faith lately. Sexual? Yes please. Hey, Caitlin.
Do you take medication for a chemical imbalance:: Maybe I do. Maybe you do. Shut up! Shut up! The trees sing to me in laughter! Spiders . . . spiders! I like the flying pillars and I could go for a twice time puppy. Where were we?
Do you love your bf/gf:: I love people who I wish were my girlfriend. I think. Hey Evelyn . . .
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge would they call it FedUp?:: If Pro is the opposite of Con, is Progress the opposite of Congress?
When are you moving:: I’m headin’ away in August.
What's your favorite phrase:: Right now? “Zing!” after an insult. “Your face!” at any time. “Sweet Sally McKenzie!” “Duly noted.” and of course, “Slap me around and call me a naughty girl.”

"More of that Delightful Survey, Eh, Whitmore?" "Bluuurrrpp!"

I hope you all take the time to read this portion of it, as it is funny, insightful, and reflects some of my deepest beliefs. It took me a while, so read the frickin' thing.

Favorites:

Color:: Every shade of green and blue, yellow and gold, white. Reds and oranges are nice, too.
Food:: Seafood, salads, both fruit and vegetable, corn and clam chowder, tuna melts, chicken, french fries, sushi.
Song:: Please, do not make me choose!
Show:: Scrubs, Angel, Smallville, Ken Burn’s America, Magnum P.I., Jeopardy, Fraiser, Jeeves and Wooster
School subject:: Sociology, Psychology, World Religion
Band/singer/artist:: Mike Doughty, Brendan Smith, Stephen Konefal for artists, too many bands to choose from. See the previous portion and read the music part. I'd like to add Marc Cohn to the list, if I could.
Animal:: Wolverine, Fussa, Emerald Tree Viper, Salt Water Crocodile, Osprey, Great Horned Owl, Octopus, Praying Mantis, Hell Bender, Red Eyed Tree Frog
Outfit:: Tight jeans, yellow jersey with the sleeves rolled up, sneakers, no underwear. Or, corduroy sport coat, khakis, shiny green shirt, red flower tie.
Radio station:: WRNX, 100.9, and 102.9
Movie:: See blog profile
Pair of shoes:: My DM’s!
Cartoon:: Johnny Bravo, old Dexter’s Lab, Family Guy, Futurama, Rejected, The Simpsons, SeaLab2021, Batman the Animated Series, Space Ghost Coast to Coast, Saddlerash Gulch, Harvey Birdman Attorney at Law, Johnny Quest, old or new, Scooby Doo, Where are you?.
Actor:: John Travolta, Ron Perlman, Micheal Wincott, Morgan Freeman, Michael Madsen, Chris Walken, Alec Baldwin, William H. Macy, Tommy Lee Jones, Danny Trejo, Tim Curry, Michael J. Fox, John Lithgow, Donald and Kiefer Sutherland, Johnny Depp, Christopher Lee, Christopher Lloyd, Walter Matthau, Jack Lemmon, Steve Martin Bill Murray, Jack Black, Christopher McDonald Forest Whitaker, Robert Duval, Dennis Hopper, Ray Liotta, John Cusack, Sean Astin, John Astin . . . the list doesn’t stop!
Actress:: Kathy Bates, Andie MacDowell, Lucy Lui, Dianne Keaton, Angelina Jolie, Kyra Sedgewick, Amanda Peet, Famke Jansen, Michelle Wu, Judi Dench, Maggie Smith,
Chip:: Sour cream and onion, ridged, or Dark Russet
Drink::Ginger Ale, SoBe, Milk, Water, Juice, Powerade.
Holiday:: Halloween, April Fool’s Day
Perfume/cologne:: Nautica, Tsar, Polo, and Old Spice, baby!
Pizza topping:: Barbecue chicken
Jello flavor:: Raspberry
Lunch meat:: Roast beef
Card Game:: Go Fish, Solitare, War!
Website:: Homestar, Whippedass, Fetbot, Spanklink, FiggaFiggaFoo, Superspecialquestions, Bitterfilms.com, blogspot.com,
Book:: See blog profile
Computer game::Video Game? Vice City, baby!
Number:: 8, 1, 2, 18, 13, 23, 49, 297
Cereal:: Frosted Flakes
Comedian:: Jon Stewart, Dave Attel, Jim Gaffigan, Louis C.K., Stephen Wright, Brian Regan, Lewis Black, myself of course. Nobody put me down. YOU BASTARDS!
Dessert:: Oreos and Milk, fruit, sundaes, cheese cake, strawberry rhubarb pie, cocnut creme pie.
Disney character:: Scar, Timon and Pumba, Sebastian, Gaston, Mufasa, the Genie, Todd and Copper,
Clothing store:: I hate clothes shopping. No, wait! Victoria’s Secret.
Past time:: Uh . . . reading, writing? Do those count?
Teacher:: I dislike most all of my teachers for some reason or other. Then again, I kinda like some of them, too.
Childhood toy:: LEGOS!
Carnival game/ride:: The Mind Eraser, The Rotor, The Sea Dragon, The Log Ride, The Sling Shot. For games? I don’t like to play any, but the emotions the invoke, the allusions and the history that comes with them and the carnival itself, I love.
Candy bar:: PayDay, Mounds
Magazine:: Playboy, Entertainment Weekly, TIME, Smithsonian, National Geographic.
Salad dressing:: Italian, Caesar, though usually none.
Thing to do on the weekend:: Hang out and play soccer
Hot drink:: Coffee if I’m tired and need to wake up, green or orange pekoe tea otherwise. Season:: I love fall and spring
Sport to watch:: Crew races, because I can appreciate the effort involved, football, boxing, rugby, but not professional.
Person to talk to online:: Hmmm . . . everyone has their advantages and disadvantages.

Night Time:

Your Bedroom/Sleeping Habits :: I sleep 3-6 hours a night, from 11 or 3 until 5, then nap for several hours during the day.
What color are your sheets:: Pink . . . the ladies like ‘em.
What color are your bedroom walls:: Off-white
Do you have posters on your wall:: a calendar and a map of Australia
If so of what:: Pay attention to my answers, damn it!
Do you have a tv in your bedroom:: not anymoreHow many pillows are on your bed:: two
What do you normally sleep in:: boxers, or the nude.
Describe your favorite pair of pajamas:: my birthday suit
What size bed do you have:: I think it’s full . . . of sexy naked people!
Do you have a waterbed/bunkbed/daybed:: I useda have a bunk bed
Do you have your own phone line in your bedroom:: Sadly no.
Describe the last nightmare you had:: A strange woman rearranged the books in my study that I spent days organizing and I was powerless to stop her.
Do you sleep with stuffed animals:: Not anymore.
How many people can comfortably sleep comfortably in your bed:: Probably two. Comfortably sleep comfortably? You redundant fiend!
Any unusual sleeping positions:: always on my stomach, legs spread, one arm crooked under my pillow, the one on the side my head is turned, and the other extended up and away.
Do you have to share your bedroom with a sibling:: Luckily not anymore
Do you snore:: no, but I scream.
How about drool:: yeah . . . uh . . . I can’t think of anything to say to this . . . WHORE!
Do you have an alarm clock in your room:: Nope! Wait, pieces of one.
What color is the carpet in your room:: polished hardwood carpet
What's under your bed:: skis, boxes o’ crap, nudie magazines, guns, my artwork . . . you know, the usual.

This or that:

Loser/wannabe:: Wannabe.
Doughnuts/bagels:: Depends on whether the tide is up or not, doesn’t it, you prick!?
Day/night:: Night . . . yeah night.
Wicked witch of the east/wicked witch of the west:: Uh . . . if the West one is a Cowgirl and the East one is a Samurai . . . both!
Heaven/hell:: Heaven, maybe, but I don’t think hell is eternal, so maybe I might like it there for a while, if there’s hot female demon whipping me . . .
Make love/have sex:: Depends on who with . . . whom with? Make Love to Caitlin, Have Sex with Tara, Fuck in the Ear, Jess Guenette.
Coffee/tea:: Didn’t you ask this in favorites?
Hamburgers/hotdogs:: By hotdogs, do you mean penises? Burgers, just in case you don’t.
Rap/rock:: Yeah, like 95% rock, if those are the only two in the survey.
Britney/Christina:: Christina? Well, if I had two condoms . . .
Swiss cheese/american cheese:: Swiss, baby! I hate American Cheese. (I think I can be strip searched for saying that under the Patriot Act.)
Real World/Road Rules:: If they were all brought to an alien world in which they had to fight each other to the death, that’d be a good show.
Backstreet Boys/*Nsync:: ‘Nsync. Justin is HOT!
Silver/gold:: Silver, but I look better in gold.
Nike/Adidas:: Converse or Pumas.
McDonalds/Taco Bell:: McDonalds. Stupid pseudo-Mexicans . . .
Sweet/sour:: I’m a lil’ a both, baby.Punk/emo:: I hate them both enough to stab myself in the eye with a leg of lamb.
Hot/cold:: Depends on the level of fairies. I’ll say cold for the nipple erections. Yeah, I like the cold more.
Winter/summer:: Winter
Spring/fall:: Fall
Operas/plays:: Plays
Read/watch tv:: READ!
Cd's/tapes:: I’ll say Cassette tapes, because most of my Garth Brooks and Jimmy Buffett are on them.
Dvd's/vhs:: VHS!
Old/new:: I’ll say old. I’m an antiquarian, damnit!
Shorts/skirts:: I prefer to wear skirt. You heard me!
Pink/red:: Red, the color of fiery passion, burning rage, martyrdom, or violence
Colored pictures/black and white photos:: Colored people . . . I mean pictures.
Meat/vegetables:: Vegetables. I’m considering vegetarianism. (Dodges flying card) C’mon, Tony, I said “considering!”
Mexican food/chinese food:: Did Tony make the joke about egg rolls wrapped in tacos? Both.
Commercials/infomercials:: Unless it’s an infomercial with a lot of scantily clad exercising women, commercials.
Scary movies/comedies:: Comedies. A well done horror film is hard to come by.
Bikinis/one piece bathing suits:: Bikinis!
Sandals/tennis shoes:: Sandals!
Dogs/cats:: Both . . . a hybrid, actually.
Unicorns/fairies:: I love the movie the Last Unicorn, but I’ma hafta go with Faeries. Unless you mean Fairies, in which case my answer is the same. (I’m lookin’ at you, Mike Pytka.)
Water/land:: I think land.
Sugar/spice:: Both? You mean those chicks from Batman Forever, right? I dunno, unless you have everything nice and chemical X, you’re kinda outta luck with just the first two.
Black/white:: White.
ribbons/bows:: ribbons?
Chicken/beef:: I feel better about eating chickens than eating cows. I’ll say chicken. Plus I like the taste better.
Colored/White Christmas lights:: Whichever one Jesus had. No, wait. He probably had colored, with the whole lovin’ everybody regardless of race, creed, or gender. I like the white ones more.
Cars/trucks:: Well, depends on the vehicle in question, don’t it?
Austin Powers/James Bond:: Bond. James Bond.
Popcorn/pretzels:: Popcorn! No contest. I love the one, hate the other. HATE!
Hip/hop:: Uh . . . hip. I like hips.
Passionate kiss/peck:: Passionate kiss.
WWE wrestling/ real wrestling:: Real wrestling, the kind with mud, two sexy women, and John Candy involved. STRIPES!
Back rub/foot massage:: Are you seriously asking me this? Well, I’d rather give the foot one and receive the back one.
Picture frames/photo albums:: Frames for paintings, albums for pisctures.
Pens/pencils:: Pencils.
What Is Your Opinion Of The Following
Eminem:: Unquestionable talent, but not smart, good looking, kind, or responsible, so . . . bust a cap in his ass!
Virgins:: Thanks for nothing!
God:: Beyond our understanding, She loves us more than we can imagine. She is not, however, all-powerful or all-knowing. Sorry, Ma’am, but you’re not.
The Osbournes:: Great show for three episodes. After that, kill ‘em.
Reality TV:: I hate it. It, along with most of pop culture today, is the epitome of all that is wrong with this country.
J.Lo:: BIG ass! Boo yeah! Other than that, bad actress, bad singer, bad person. Kill her!
Religion:: If it was more disorganized it’d be better. Religion would be AWESOME if there were no people to fuck it up.
Emo music:: Emo? I hate the word, as I hate all Montagues, and thee!
Valentine's Day:: Stupid holiday, but cool massacre.
Christina Aguilera's comeback:: She made a come back? Or do you mean has cum on her back? That makes sense.
Homosexuals:: 10% of the population can’t be wrong. It’s a bit like in Underworld. Since I’m bi, I get the best of both worlds, and could so kick Vincent’s ass if my girlfriend didn’t cut his head in half. Seriously, they’re people, and I hate people in general. But not because of sexual orientation. They should have the same rights as we do.
Abortion:: It’s an odious practice, but you CANNOT take away a woman’s right to choose. So FUCK OFF, Pro-Lifers!
Inter-racial relationships:: We need to mix the gene pool up a bit. I’m all for them.
Murder:: I like it. Next to arson, my favorite violent crime. Seriously, it is necessary sometimes.
Death:: The next big adventure!
Obesity:: Problem, but it makes for some cool fictional characters. I love MOJO!
Pre-marital sex:: Nothing wrong with it, but probably best to wait.
Terrorism:: I’m all for it, but c’mon guys, blow up someone who deserves it for a change. I can give you the addresses of some people that really need to be in pieces . . . where does Sr. Connie live again?
Pornography:: It started, believe it or not, as a way to induce a sexual free love revolution. I love it, myself, absolutely could not live without it. Too bad about the whole HIV thing. Back off, you fucking prudes!
Fortune Tellers:: It’d be cool to find a real one. Ms. Cleo was in Vice City . . . .
Prostitution:: Legalize it, it’d help the economy. Vegas has the right idea. I’m also tired of serial killers targeting prostitutes.
Politics:: The concept is good, but corrupt, partisan assholes are ruining this country.
Country music:: I love it!
George W. Bush:: A stupid bastard who deserves to die. At least he’s no longer a coked-up drunk.
Cloning:: Let’s do it! Look at all the great stuff cloning brought us, The Sixth Day, Star Wars: Episode 2, the wars on Krypton . . . uh . . . on second thought . . .
Britney's boobs:: Magnificence!
Gas prices in America:: I wannan electric car! I hate oil companies!


Well, I'll hopefully have the big one later on, but this'll do for now. What? What's that you say? Something about a Joke Corner? Oh my goodness, how could I dis-rememer? Here we are:

Rich's Joke Corner:

How can you tell a blonde has sent you a fax? There's a stamp on it!

Midway through the film, Cindy turned to her friend and said, "The guy next to me is masturbating."
"Well, tell him to stop."
"I can't," Cindy explained, "He's using my hand.

A car hit a ten year old boy and drove off. A man across the street saw this happen, ran to the boy and tried to comfort him. "Would you like me to get a priest?" the man asked.
The boy replied, "How can you think of sex at a time like this?"
(The car eventually sped off a cliff and the driver, sobering up, screamed in panic as he plummetted to his death. Out of blind, senseless fear, he slammed on the brakes while soaring through the air. Those aren't gonna help you much, buddy, why don't you try the emergency brake? Luckily, he survived the fall, but as he was climbing out of the wreckage, he was torn apart by wolves.) (I added this because the original had the driver getting away as far as the story went, and I hate hit and run and or drunk drivers. Also, it has a reference to Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey.)

Well, that be all for now. I'm off to study Bio.

Nothin' ta see here . . .

Sorry, folks, but I'ma hafta postpone the big one again. I was busy all day, and tonight had to help Sam finish a project. I promise I have it for you tomorrow. I'm also working on that endless goddamn survey. Curse you, Merrilee for starting this! Curse you! Wait! I just realized something! I do it in pieces! Tonight, the first 4 pieces, and I'll post the others later. I'm a fucking genius! Here it is: Survey, Part I:

You:

What is your full name:: Richard Joseph Sugrue II Esq.
Spell your first name backwards:: Drahcir. That is so cool. I sound like an Arabian vampire. I pronounce it, Draw-sear. So cool.
Date of birth:: The nineteenth of February, year of our Lord one thousand nine hundred eighty six
Male or female:: male
Astrological sign:: Pisces, or tiger.
Nicknames:: Rich, Richie, Richie Rich, RJ, Rajingo, Fro-boy, Afro Thunder, Hotstuff
Occupation:: subversive comedian rebel poet, stalwart compatriot, laborer, crusader against intolerance and cruelty.
. Height:: 5'7"
Weight:: 170lbs of funny muscle, babe.
Hair color:: golden brown/sandy blonde
Eye color::golden brown/yellow
Where were you born:: Aurora, Colorado, which means I can’t be president. But president of what? I was born in a thunder storm, and the wild gales sang my coming!
Where do you reside now:: South Hadley, Massachusetts
Age:: 18 years old. Though I have always been and will always be, a force for humorous justice in the world. I will be known by many names, be seen in many lands, but I will remain.
Screen names:: MischiefAvatar2
E-mail addy:: Mischiefavatar2@aol.com
What does your screen name stand for:: Good question. An avatar comes from Hindu mythology. It is an incarnation of a divine force. It came to mean an embodiment or epitome of anything. I am an avatar, a force come to life. What force? The force of Mischief! This year, I proved myself worthy of this screen name! (The “2" because I’m technically a sequel. And this time, it’s personal!
What is your greatest journal name:: This term is unfamiliar to me.
Pets:: One awesome (seriously) beagle/shepherd (or beppered) named Penny.
Number of candles you blew out on your last birthday cake:: I actually stopped celebrating my birthday when I was 12.
Piercings:: None that I know of. .
Tattoo's:: None so far, but I plan to get one this summer.
Shoe size::nine and one half
Righty or lefty:: Fear me, baby, ‘cause I’m sinister!
Wearing:: Now, an old, tight fitting Gap jersey *flexes*, jean shorts, grey briefs, an’ that’s it!
Hearing::The Quick Fix
Feeling:: Exited, happy, funny
Eating/drinking:: I could be really profane and offensive here, but I won’t. I’m above that.

Guys/Girls/Love/Kissing/And Other Stuff:

Have you ever been in love:: I have loved and lost many a time. *tear*
How many people have you said: I’ve never meant it to a girlfriend, but I say it to relatives and friends and mean it.
How many people have you been in REAL love with:: I think 3.
How many people have you kissed:: Girls in a romantic way? 3. Other than that, a lot.
Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex:: Not in a romantic way . . . yet.
How many people have you dated:: Dos mujeres.
What do you look for in a guy/girl:: See “My Perfect Woman” “My Many Crushes” or “My Many Fetishes.”
What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex:: I’ll say appearance.
What type of guy/girl do you usually go for:: See “My Perfect Woman.”
Do you have a crush right now:: See “My Many Crushes,” you dumb prick.
If so who is it::See above question you goddamned fucking moron!
Do you believe in love at first sight:: Not love . . . crush or lust, maybe.
Do you remember your first love:: Sadly yes.
Who is the first person you kissed:: Nicole Dennet, I was 7. That’s if you mean girl in a romantic manner, you non-specific douche bag!
Do you believe in fate:: And free choice. Wiggy, huh?
Do you believe in soul mates:: Why the fuck not?
If so do you believe you'll ever find yours:: God I hope so . . . I think I may already have.

Family Stuff:

How many siblings do you have:: I have one younger brother.
What are your siblings names:: Samuel Carroll Sugrue
What are your parents names:: Todd Carroll and Debra Ann Knightly
How many siblings does your mother have:: five o’ the bastards!
How many siblings does your father have:: four o’ the fiends!
Where are your parents from:: South Hadley . . . maybe Pluto.
Is your family close:: A little. Depends. There are a lot of intertwined relationships.
Does your family get together for holidays:: Kwanza and the Anniversary of The Hindenberg. Actually, yes. For almost all of ‘em.
Do you have a drunk uncle:: No. Many of my relatives drink, but they’re not alcoholics.
Any medical problems run through your family:: Poor eyesight, cancer, heart disease from me dad’s side. Allergies galore an’ a lil’ more cancer from me mum’s.
Does someone in your family wear a toupee:: I wear wigs when I cross dress.
Do you have any nieces or nephews:: Not yet. Although Sam is quite popular with the ladies . . .
Are your parents divorced::Hells yeah!
Do you have step parents:: None.
Has your family ever disowned another member of your family:: Never! We don’t hold with that kind of crap.
Did some of your family come to America from another country:: My great-grand parents came here from England and Ireland. To open Speak-easies!


Music Stuff:

What song do you swear was written about you or your life:: There are a lot.
What's the most embarrassing cd you own:: Today’s Music Hits, Volume 2. Oh yeah, baby!.
What's the best cd you own:: I can’t decide, I can’t decide, Brain Aniorism!
What song do you absolutely hate:: I hate singers and performers themselves more than I hate songs, but there are a lot of songs I hate.
Do you sing in the shower:: You know it! I love to sing in the shower.
What song reminds you of that special someone:: Another Lover

In other news, my brother has screwed up his blog, and will now be using mine. I think it will be a fun change of pace. This segment will appear weekly, in place of, or following you normally scheduled Rich.

Operation Ask Evelyn Out is a go for Wednesday. More details to come. Speaking of Evelyn, thought I'd add another thing I like about her. Sometimes, when she gets really tired, she asks kinda drunk. It's fun. Do I seem obsessive? Maybe. I know for sure I'll look stupid when she turns me down. Oh well, I'm past caring.

I tried studying today and realized there might actually be something to it. Go figure.

And now, without further ado,

Rich's Joke Corner:

Hilary Clinton visited her doctor for an annual physical exam. After conducting a battery of tests, the doctor told her she was pregnant. "I'm a busy senator," Hilary said. "This is the last thing I need." Furious, she called Bill from her cell phone. "How could you get me pregnant? How could you do this? This is all your fault! Bill didn't reply, there was nothing but silence on the other end. "Bill, do you hear me?!" Hilary yelled. Finally, in a barely audible whisper, Bill asked, "Who is this?"

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. A young clerk told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was so insistent that the clerk agreed to ask his manager about the matter. He walked into the back room and said to his manager, "Some jerk out there wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned around and saw the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said, "I was impressed with you the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on theire feet. Where are you from, son?"
"Minnesota, sir," the clerk replied.
"Well why did you leave Minnesota?" the manager asked.
The clerk said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really!" exclaimed the manager. "My wife's from Minnesota."
The clerk replied, "No kidding, which team does she play for?"

That's it for the jokes, and to all you virgins, thanks for nothing!

I'd like to apologize to Will Murray and Tim Goddu, you're both decent guys, and we all let our tempers get the best of us sometimes.

I hate it when people fill out a survey and just yell at the questionairre without giving any answers. That's no good for whoever is reading it.

I updated my profile.

I think that's all I gots to say save that I realize the genius of that survey is in splitting it into pieces and using one on each blog post, as opposed to trying to take it all in at once.

Current Mood: Tired. How the hell do you get by on so little sleep, Tones?
Current Music: Jimmy Buffet, Coconut Telegraph.

You Sexy Thing

I choose this title because of the Tom Jones song. I heard it tonight while walking on the Mt. Holyoke campus. It gave me a cool idea for my future adventure novel/memoir. I'll maybe publish pieces of that later on the blog . . . maybe.


This was the random question on my profile: You have a red jar of cedar chips. Why do moths miss the forest? I have a good answer, but the damn thing only allows 150 characters. Cheap bastard. So here's the real answer. For the rest of the profile, click the link on the right. Answer: They miss the forest for the same reasons we all do: a yearning to be in the wild, for the serenity and beauty of the sylvan environment, the glorious sights and sounds and scents, to be one with the earth, and the total lack of bug zappers. I like cedar mulch, but not red. How about sienna? I like carrying bags of it for my grandmother's garden. I sling one over each shoulder. It's cool because it reminds me how strong I am and feels like two dead bodies I'm carrying around. Where am I carrying them to? I don't know. Why are they dead? I don't know? What am I doing? I don't know. That's the puzzle known as life, mi amigos. There you have it.

I saw a good movie today, Shrek 2. I recommend you see it. I saw it with great company, my bro, and my good friend Dan McLaughlin. I'm very comfortable with him. He's a great guy and I'm glad I know him. For those of you who have seen Shrek 2, here's an image association that'll make you laugh. "Today, I fufill my debt!"

I'm sorry, but I guess I'll have to wait until tomorrow to post the big one. Tonight I was out with Brendan, and, eventually, Andrew. I love those guys. They're good people and make me feel good about myself. They think I'm funny and smart . . . suckers . . . which is a much needed confidence boost. Moreover, Brendan is just fun to be around. We can be serious, silent, or jocular, and it all works. I am so happy to have him as a friend. Tonight we went to the Thirsty Mind, talked there, then to Mt. Holyoke, beautiful at night, and talked there. That was awesome. Just walking the cool grounds at night, talking to my friend. Then we studied at Andy's.

I realized something tonight. We all are complex entities. I went around thinking that I was the only one with problems, but in reality, we all have burdens and frustrations in our lives. All equally great. And, while we can't always solve our own problems, let alone the problems of others, we should use the problems we have to come together and bond, and make each other feel better simply by the closeness friends can have.

I love you, Brendan. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Now, to lighten the mood, a joke.

Rich's Joke Corner:

A man young man was driving under the influence, and was pulled over by a police officer. As the officer got out of the squad car, the man, drunk though he was, saw that it was a sexy woman. Soon she was in the process of arresting him and said, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man shouted, "Tits!"

Because I'm in a good mood, and because that joke was bad, how 'bout some more.

A man called in sick to work one day. When his boss asked him what was wrong he said, "I have anal glaucoma." His bewildered boss asked him what that was, and he explained, "I just can't see my ass coming into work."

A three year old boy in the bath tub was exploring his penis. He asked his mother, "Mommy, is this my brain?" His mother said, "Not yet, honey."

Two vultures boarded a plane. Each carried two dead raccoons. The stewardess stopped them and said, "I'm sorry, only one carrion per passenger,"

And finally:

A man took his rotweiller to the vet and said, "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "Let me have a look at him." The doctor picked the dog up and examined it's eyes. Finally he said, "I'm going to have to put him down." "But why?" said the man, "Just because he's cross-eyed?" "No," the vet replied, "Because he's really heavy."

Goodnight, Folks.

Current Mood: Anxious, tired, choked up.

Current Music: Another Lover, by the Quick Fix. These guys are excellent proof of what I said about music today, Tones. I'll give you a CD of them. I love this song. Brendan Smith wrote it. Everytime I hear it I get all choked up. I love listening to him sing, it gives the songs so much more power than the songs of someone I don't know. There's something about knowing Brendan personally that makes his music that much better. It's even more effective because of who he wrote it about. It's just such a great song. It shows Brendan's superb talent. Thanks also to Justin and David LeTellier for this track.

And now I'm off to hit the hay. Repeatedly. In the face. Because it owes me money. And more than that, annoys me. Stupid, arrogant grass plant.

The Concert

I had originally planned for my blog, well not really planned, but more like it took shape on its own like some sort of horrific space creature here to devour us all . . . where was I? Anyway, the blog seemed like it wanted to be just facts about myself and social commentary, and the occasional other purpose, like a thank you or farewell, and I'd avoid just talking about my day, telling what I consider to be interesting stories that really just bore the hell out of people. But tonight's, or today's rather, an exception.

First off, lemme just say one thing: I really appreciate people who can play a game or sport and not let it get to them. Can play hard and be effects, but not be a loud-mouthed, obnoxious jerk. Andrew LeTellier is one of these people. He can go from concentrating on the game intensely to encouraging a friend, to making a joke in split seconds. Some people cannot. This made Frisbee after school today unenjoyable. (The other people, I mean. If it wasn't for Andrew, the hotness os Sarah Cantler and Steph Lepine, my brother's hilarious foul language, and the fact that Tony rode me around like a pony, the game woulda been horrible.) Mainly because Will Murray, great guy though he is, acted like an ass, and Tim Goddu was a jerk as usual.

Second, I would like to comment on a concert I saw tonight . . . uh . . . yesterday. Damn space time continuum! I went to St. Theresa's Church in South Hadley for a Christian Rock charity event coordinated by two awesome people, Dave and Lise LeTellier. Mrs. LeTellier did the readings. She is the best lector I've ever seen. She doesn't read, she delivers. I can focus and absorb more of the scripture that way. Mr. LeTellier, and his band, the Narrow Gate, which consists of him on lead guitar and vocals, "Spacey" Ed Chagnon handlin' percussion, an' Joe Cirillo workin' magic on the bass guitar. They played for about two hours, with an intermission for refreshments and two impressive piano numbers by Mr. Allen Bonde. He has an awesome quote. "I sure hope God has a sense of humor, otherwise it's gonna be tough." The music was glorious. I've never really heard Christian rock this much before, and never had the great joy of seeing Mr. LeTellier perform, and the concert really blew me away. I got chills at some songs. Mr. L has an incredibly powerful, rich voice, and is a gifted song writer. I enjoyed the evening immensely. Thanks to the both of the LeTelliers. Well, really 4 LeTelliers. The Concert was to raise money for victims of sexual abuse and their families, and featured a touching address by Sandy Tessier, herself the mother of a victim. You and yours are in our prayers, Sandy, and like Mr. L sang, "some peace will come."

One last thing, tonight made me realize more than ever how much I need a girlfriend. Watching Andrew and Cait, Brendan and Meg, Justin and Caitlin, is kinda painful. seeing such awesome girls and what I could have with someone is shocking, yet depressing at the same time. For this reason, Operation: Ask Evelyn Out has been initiated. More to come.

You already got a joke for tonight, so no more. What's that? You'll flash me if I tell another? Well, alright, anything for a show.

Rich's Joke Corner

The same UN plane has to divert from Geneva towards Africa because of inclement weather. It crashes due to fuel loss over the Congo. There are three survivors, the American delegate, the Russian delegate, and the Japanese delegate. They are captured by a cannibalistic tribe and brought to the tribe's village. The leader of the tribe, who strangely enough spoke English, Russian, and enough Japanese to get by, gave them the same speech. "We are the Ungati (pronounced uun-gaht-ee), a tribe of ferocious cannibals. We will skin you alive, cook and devour your flesh, and use your skin to cover our canoes. However, we're not merciless. We will grant you one last wish."
The Russian asked for a gun with one bullet, said "May fate smile kindly on Mother Russia," and shot himself. The American asked for a vine rope and access to a tree, said, "God bless America," and hanged himself. The Japanese asked for a knife, knelt on the ground, said, "I die with honor." And committed sepukku. With his last breath he added, "And fuck your canoes!"

That one was funnier the original way, with the American asking for a fork and poking himself while saying "fuck you canoes," but I changed it for Tony. If you know anything about ritualistic Japanese suicide, the joke is the same.

Just a Quick One

Howdy. I'm actually composing this here entry from within that crumbling fortress of what was once good and holy, Holyoke Catholic. It's my last official day of school and I suppose I'll feel melancholy eventually, but as fer now, I'm keepin' it together. It'll probably be for me the way it is for other people, the way the dreadful reality only sinks in at the end of the day. I plan on making a long entry tonight regarding . . . everything. High school, my friends, my plans, my beliefs. Also, anyone who likes anything good and fun can come to St. Theresa's Church in my home town of So. Ho. for a night of excellent music provided by one of my all-time favorite peoplein the world, Andrew LeTellier's dad. I really like Mr. LeTellier, he reaffirms my faith in humanity. That's St. Theresa's in South Hadley, from 7 til 9 tonight-a. Be there or be square.

Now, onto the main reason for posting this entry. I'd like my readers to refrain from using my comments page to continue childish bickering. Thank you,
The Management.

I think that's all for now, but let me check my handy dandy . . . NOTEbook. Oh, I'll start a practice I want to institute. Rich's Joke Corner. So, without further ado . . .

Rich's Joke Corner

A four-engine UN plane is flying over the Atlantic from New York on its way to Geneva. A flock of migrating albatrosses flies into the engines and destroy two of them. The plane begins to fall toward the sea. The pilot instructs the delegates to jettison all unnecessary weight. They throw out the luggage. It's still not enough, so they throw out the seats, the carts, anything they can find. The pilot sadly informs them that it's still not enough, the plane needs to lose more weight. The delegates stand in awkward, poignant silence, which is broken by the delegate from the UK. He stands up, says "God save the Queen!" and leaps out of the plane. However, his sacrifice wasn't enough. The French delegate rises, she says, "Vive la France!" and jumps. Still not enough. So the delegate for the United States stands up, walks purposely towards the door, says, "Remember the Alamo!" and throws the Mexican delegate out of the plane.

FIN

Oh, alas, poor Sanchez. His noble, unwilling sacrifice saved those people. Thank you, you crazy poncho wearin', marraca shakin', bastard!

That's it, stay posted.

Current Mood: My back hurts, damn these Library chairs.
Current Music: Mr. Roy blab blab blabbin' away.

My Many Crushes

Good day, ladies and gentlemen. I have a very important task for you. Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to sit where you are and read this blog entry on my crushes. This entry will self destruct, or rather your PC will explode (if I rigged it right) in 20 minutes, so get to it. I’ve also included my former crushes and some people I’ve seen in a romantic light. I’ve given them code names after the pieces on a chess board, and flung in some other information.

Crush: An infatuation, of love or lust, with someone. It is only a crush so long as it is unrequited. This is usually do to the cowardice of the person who has it.

Former Crushes. (I’ve started with my first year at Catholic, to save my wrist some trouble, and you some time, and worked my way through the years until today, at this very moment):

Name: Sarah Wheeler
Codename: White Pawn
Duration: Oct ‘00 - May ‘01
Description: I don’t really know what I was thinking with this tall, thin glass of crazy.
Highlight: When we spoke while waiting for rides after school one day.
Status: She got kinda wacky, I came to my senses.

Name: Jess Michaud
Codename: White Knight
Duration: Sept ‘00 - ‘May 02
Description: A cute, pretty, sexy girl who’s more with it than people give her credit for. She later got kinda slutty.
Highlight: When she asked me to sign her yearbook in study.
Status: I still think she’s hot, but she’s now with some feminine emo kid.

Name: Jess Geoffroy
Codename: White Pawn II
Duration: Nov ‘02 - Feb ‘04
Description: She’s sexy from a distance, but once you get close, look out! She’s a Bush supporter and a Yankees fan. She’s mean to her little sister, has horrible taste in film, is opinionated, self-deprecating and paradoxically arrogant at the same time. That said, she’s sweet and thoughtful. The crush ended when the relationship began.
Highlight: There wasn’t one with the crush.
Status: We broke up, she dislikes me, we bicker, but I hope she finds happiness; she deserves it.

Name: Rebecca Smith
Codename: White Bishop
Duration: Jul ‘02 - Jan ‘04
Description: We met in the Australia trip, and I had pretty strong feelings for her. We started a relationship soon afterwards. That ended in a month. I think I was genuinely in love with her for a while, but the feelings gradually faded away this year.
Highlight: Her voice. She had a beautiful voice.
Status: Still an amazing person, but I feel only friendly love.
Name: Jackie Rosala
Codename: Black Bishop
Duration: Oct ‘02 - May ‘03
Description: This one was way out of my league, but only because she thought she was. She seemed like a great person, but I heard some stories to the contrary from some very reliable sources, and gave that up.
Highlight: When she went down on me in Physics . . . (Okay, that never happened, but if it did . . .).
Status: It’s probably the most “ended” of my crushes.

Name: Laura McDowell
Codename: White Pawn III
Duration: Oct ‘02 - May ‘03
Description: Think about the description for Jackie, then pump it full of speed. The stories I heard about her were even worse. She could sing, though.
Highlight: Looking at her feet or thong in Physics.
Status: I’ll miss those thongs . . . .

Name: Sarah Howe
Codename: White Knight II
Duration: Mar ‘03 - Jun ‘03
Description: The girl Connor was crazy enough to break up with Evelyn for. It was a crew thing. She was the cocksen (you read that right), I liked being told what to do. She’s pretty and sweet.
Highlight: Either rowing stern seat and looking at her toes, or taking out the two with her and letting her order me around.
Status: She’s still cool, in fact I had a nice conversation with her today, but I’ve moved on.

Name: Jason Frank
Codename: Black Knight
Duration: Mar ‘03 - Feb ‘04
Description: Hey, you knew this was coming. He’s hot, I’m bi, put two and two together, people. He’s the feminine emo kid Jess is with.
Highlight: When he spanked me with his Clearing script at rehearsal.
Status: He’s been distant lately. Maybe he didn’t get the fruit basket I sent him . . . plus, he can be an arrogant jerk.

Name: Meghan Hart
Codename: White Pawn IV
Duration: Sept ‘03 - Dec ‘04
Description: I dunno. She seemed alright. Then I realized she wasn’t the brightest bulb and she could be a really mean person, so I turned from love to revulsion to m’eh.
Highlight: When Andy and Dan ripped her socks off at the retreat.
Status: M’eh

Name: Laura Jedredewski
Codename: White Pawn IV
Duration: Sept ‘03 - Jan ‘04
Description: Think Meg’s description, but replace “really mean person” with fairly bland person.
Highlight: The note at the retreat.
Status: M’eh.

Name: Whitney Foster
Codename: White Bishop II
Duration: Sept '03 - May '04
Description: A hot and humor-appreciative Californian fetish queen. We've seen pictures, but have maintained a strictly online relationship.
Highlight: Many late night convos.
Status: I was an idiot, she realized it, and I gave up hope.


That’s it for former crushes, now on to people I’ve had brief (sometimes momentary, sometimes week long) mini-crushes on.

Brendan Smith, I can see what Meg see’s in ya, ya musically talented Teddy Bear.
Tony Celi, I can’t understand why you don’t think you’re quite the catch.
Steve’s girlfriend, Katheryn
Dan McLaughlin, I’ll leave it at that.
Lisa Reist, oddly attractive.
Ponder Gellar, Katelyn Homeyer, and Lauren . . . what’s her name? From the Aussie trip.
EJ Massa, hey there . . .
Sarah Hanners, West Side Beauty.
Wilmina Lanford, if she had a codename it’d be Black Queen.
Sarah Walker, she seemed cool.
Jess Tallman, remember her?
Michelle Supernaut, don’t say anything Tony or Brendan.
Nicole Warren, I was drunk . . . and hungry.
Sarah Cantler and Steph Lepine, crew team hotties.
Jess Guenette, less a romantic light, as “Well, if I had two condoms . . .”

And now, the real McCoys, these I listed in order of how strong my feelings are for them. (Instead of “Status” I have “Why It Might Work” and Why It Won't.”):

Name: Ashley Lapointe
Codename: White Rook
Duration: Sept ‘04 - still on
Description: Pretty, seems to be sexually adventurous, or at least knowledgeable, smart, and cynical. I’ve realized she might be what I’m looking for, but this year the feelings really started.
Highlight: When she prodded me with her foot at the retreat.
Why it might work: I’ve gained in popularity I think, and people realize I’m fun, funny, and okay. She knows I’m perverted.
Why it won’t work: She has a boyfriend and does not respect me.

Name: Meghan Lynch
Codename: Black Knight II
Duration: Nov ‘02 - the present
Description: Gorgeous. Happy, compassionate, sweet as yam an’ marshmallow pie with sugah, honey chile, as my non-existent Southern aunt always says. Strong and tough, yet vulnerable. Sweetly sarcastic sense of humor.
Highlight: I think when she joking threatened to kick my ass.
Why it might work: uh . . .
Why it won’t work: Not enough space to write the reasons.
Name: Mike Pytka
Codename: Black Bishop
Duration: Mar ‘04 - ahora
Description: Without a doubt, the hottest gay guy in our school. One of the hottest guys, period. He seems like he’d be fun to be with, and is the first guy I’ve ever seriously considered asking out. He has a great voice, too. Granted, he’s trying to hard to be gay, but he’s cute.
Highlight: Our semi-flirtatious banter.
Why it might work: He has said I was cute to other people, and he’s gay, I’m bi . . . . That’s just crazy enough to-----
Why it won’t work: He has a boyfriend and I think I may have gone too far with the “hole-y” comment.

Name: Marissa Lapointe
Codename: Black Rook
Duration: Apr ‘04 - this minute
Description: This tremendous brunette is almost my perfect woman, going by the description in an earlier entry. She’s genuinely pretty, smart, sweet, and funny. I can’t say how she is fetish-wise, but I bet she’d make a stunning dominatrix. She loves What About Bob?! And she has nice toes.
Highlight: I just like it whenever she calls me by my name.
Why it might work: She’s unattached, impressed by my humor, and would be by my intelligence and physical prowess, and we have the same friends.
Why it won’t work: Apparently she’s not into dating.

Name: Caitlin Szewczyk
Codename: Black Queen
Duration: since I met her until forever.
Description: Quirky, beautiful, sweet and sexy Cait. As perfect and vulnerable and soft as a rose petal.
Highlight: That slap in the face was nice . . . but I’ll go with the bike ride.
Why it might work: She likes me as a friend, and I’m not evil.
Why it won’t work: She and Andrew love each other, and I love the two of them too much to jeopardize that.

And lastly, my ultimate crush:

Name: Evelyn Powell (who didn’t see that one coming?)
Codename: White Queen
Duration: Dec ‘02 - this moment and always
Description: She may come even closer than Marissa on my Perfect Woman Guide. She’s smart, beautiful, graceful, competent and strong. She has a dry, sarcastic wit and a compassionate heart. She is capable of leading the NHS with confidence, yet is still able to cry. I wish I meant more to her.
Why it might work: She’s single, she realizes I’m not a complete jerk.
Why it won’t work: She may not like me enough, or want a relationship, but I don’t care, I’m gonna go for it!

Well, that’s it. I probably screwed multiple things up irrevocably by publishling this, but I have ceased to care, tomorrow’s my last day at Catholic.

Current Mood: Sad, nervous, tired.
Current Music: My thumping heartbeat.

Sonnuvabitch!

Okay, here's what happened. I worked for two solid hours on my crushes blog entry, and then I accidentally "navigated away from the page," losing all of it. I think I need to vent. Cover your ears.

FUCK! FUCK! FUCKITY FUCKING MOTHER FUCKING FUCKBALL FUCKING BLOG! AAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Breathe . . . breathe . . . breathe. Whew. Better. I should have followed Dan's advice and put it on Word first. I hate it when he's right.

So here's the story. I'm gonna go brood for a while, and maybe I'll re-do the crushes blog. (In fact I definitely will because I have an important one for tomorrow.)

So, in the meantime, read this stuff:

I have a very low value for human life. Like Tones, I like persons, hate people.

My favorite color is currently green. I like Spring.

Some future plans of mine:

-to do several shows for several series that will be posted on the internet, with Tones, el Steve-o, Cait, Pawel, EJ, Sam, Andy, and anyone else who's interested.

-to do some stand-up over the summer, especially at Jester's and PACE. I'll keep ya'll posted.

-to go to the beach with friends this summer

-to write an adventure novel/memoir series

-to go to the prom. My tux is longish, black, with a platinum vest and a jeweled Madarin collar. No tie for this fella. I don't need air!

Well, that's all for now, folks. Stay tuned for more tonight.

Current Mood: Rage
Current Music: the sounds of a severe spanking

A Second Post

When I started this blog I had five simple tasks. 1)to make people laugh. 2)to write interesting stuff. 3)to express my thoughts 4) to make a stand about issues that make me angry and 5)to let people know more about me. The only rules I had were write well and leave entries alone once you've published them. I did not want to be constantly correcting my entries. I figured, let them stand as they are. However, tonight, I'll make an exception. There are some things that need commenting on.

Firstly, it seems I do not mention Dan positively enough in my blog entries. It may not seem it, but I do like him. For, while he is annoying, negative, quick to question others' plans and ideologies, disgustingly smart . . . okay, this isn't going as I'd hoped. While he does have some of the traits I hate in people, he has more traits that I love and respect in people. He's honorable, fast as lighting, and smart. He's handy in a street fight, or, I guess, parking lot fight, and can be really friggin' funny. I'm glad to be his friend. There! Happy? Stupid jerk, always criticising my razza fraggin' shummin' caller wallin' . . . .

Next, it seems I wasn't clear on the I hate the administration bit. I don't hate the dress code. What I do hate is that our freedom is limited without our consent, or the teachers' consent, for arbitrary reasons.

And I didn't realize the connection, but me asking for help form y'all was like, at the risk of sounding like a deluded nerdish loser, like the series finale of Angel. Without giving away too much of the plot, the heroes, and some villians, come together to fight one last epic battle against the impending apocalypse. It's a hopeless situation, but they find hope in each other and their cause. I hope we could do that. Plus, they fight a dragon. That'd be awesome. I wanna fight a dragon, too. But seriously, I love you guys and wanna, as Brendan sings, "Go make a difference." As lame and romantic as that sounds.

I'm outie.

What the hell should I do? and other stuff

I have, as my friend Dan so annoyingly pointed out, exhausted myself fairly early as far as blog subjects go. I wanted to do a different, discernible, interesting subject each time. Unfortunately, I've told as much shocking stuff about me as there is, as you may have guessed after that last entry. So in this one I'll be covering a bunch of stuff. After this, there will be a continuing theme on my friends. Each entry will cover one friend: their talents, their flaws, and why they mean so much to me. Then, as a last ditch effort to reveal more about myself, I'll post all my crushes. On second thought, I'll do that tomorrow. Best to get it out of the way. But I like the friends idea, it'll be a nice send off. Now, some random stuff.
I like the smell of fresh-cut grass. It's probably one of my favorite smells. That, old books, the back of a girl's neck, lilacs at night time, fresh, warm cherry pie. Freshly slit red oak. I like all those smells.
Nextly, I would like to share a quotation that I believe represents my emotions and state of being right now. It's from the song "The Idiot Kings" by Mike Doughty.

"Everything is goin' up.
Everything is going as planned, yeah.
Everything moves along.
Everything is fine fine fine.

Well I could be condemned to hell for every sin
but littering.
I could slip on th'East River an' crash into Queens
all skittering.
Well I've seen the cops and the robbers
an' I know they all dance the same.
I've seen half a zillion girls
an' haven't spoken to a single on of them.

but

Everything is going up . . ."

There you have it. There's me right now. So, onward and upward.

Third on the agenda, a plug. I'd like to mention my brother's blog. That's right. It seems Strong Sam has finally hit the information superhighway like a flaming sack of partially eaten flour. The link is http://waynemanor.blogspot.com/. Enjoy if you can.

Uh . . . what else I got?

Oh, I've been thinking that I'd make a pretty decent career criminal. After all the idiots I've seen on the news or read about in newspapers and books who make a decent living as crooks I got to thinking. Someone of my undeniable intelligence, quick learning and strong memory skills, work ethic, deviant tendencies, low value for life, and hatred of society, there'd be no stopping me. I think I'd be a successful drug dealer or what have you. I doubt I'll do that, but I like to keep my options open.

Lastly, I want to touch on something dear to my heart, Holyoke Catholic. It's headed straight for absolute perdition and it seems there's nothing anyone can do about it. God in heaven, I hate Sr. Connie and Bishop Dupre. Those are the only two people I know of who's deaths would cause me to laugh and dance with joy. Today in Sociology, there seemed to be an argument of everyone-but-me-'cause-I-was-too-lazy-to-speak-up against my noble friend, Tony. The debate would have appeared to be about school dress code, but in reality, the two evenly matched sides were arguing two different things without knowing it. Wait, not evenly matched. Tony against everyone isn't even. Tony beats everyone in cool points. Any-da, Mrs. "I hate gays" DeStefano was arguing that teachers are burdened with enforcing dress code and students are lazy and dress codes exist. I say to that respectively, "Boo-friggidy-hoo," "I don't care, we're good kids," and "Really? I didn't know that you screaming moron!" Tony was speaking of what HCHS was like in it's heyday, and the impending troubles which lay ahead. While I didn't agree with everything Tony said, (Christopher Lloyd is too the most awesome mad scientist ever!) I did agree that HCHS was and can still be great, but is in grave trouble. It goes beyond dress code. It has to do with how little the new administration either cares about the teachers and students and future of the school, or has not the cajones to do anything about it. Goddamnit I hate Sr. Connie! With the seniors leaving and a new class of kids who don't understand how great HCHS once was coming in, the burden falls heavily on the shoulders of the Juniors to save the school, and I don't think, cool as some of them are, that they're strong enough. I'm saddened and frightened and I don't know what to do. I feel like crying. The administration thinks the students are punks and keeps making stricter, less sensible, less compassionate rules. The students think the administration are jerks and retaliate the only way they can, by being apathetica and losing school spirit. This leads to bad feelings, which leads to senseless acts of violence and vandalism, which leads to stricter rules and on and on. If both sides keep pulling in opposite directions something will snap. And then it would have been better if ol' grabby-hands Dupre had succeeded in taking away our identity, because it won't matter anymore. However, it one side gives in and the other doesn't, then nothing gets resolved. Both sides need to give in, walk towards each other, work together, not against each other. And the teachers keep leaving or grow tired and just side with the administration because they know the students can't win. Sr. Marlene is probably the only one with the power or the balls to do anything, but she can only do so much. Seems pretty bleak, huh? I hope something good happens fast. I think the Seniors need to get together and do something drastic. Tones, Steve, Andrew, Cait, Dan, Brendan, Surfy, and whoever else is reading, I'll need some help on this one. In the words of Train, "I need a hand to help build up some kind of hope inside of me."

And lastly, I'd like to pay tribute to a great show which concluded it's five year run tonight. Angel. I started watching it about two or three months ago, because it follows my former favorite show, Smallville, and I have developed a love for it. It has humour, lovable and hateable characters, great plots, camaraderie, pathos, action, sorcery, magic and monsters, and obscure pop-culture nods, like the Strong Bad t-shirt. It was cut down in it's prime, and despite thousands of angry letters from fans, the WB decided its time was over. But this last season has been awesome, and tonight's final episode featured inspiring alliances, thought-provoking decisions, one seriously bad-ass fight, and a message about hope and humanity. And there's nothin' better than a desperate, neroic, spit-in-the-face-of-death last stand, and this episode has a doozy. So, while you can't see it on the tele anymore, I urge you to rent or buy it on DVD.

So, to close, random stuff, I hate Sr. Connie, and Angel, cast and crew, great job, guys, we'll miss you, and thanks for the memories.

Current Mood: Swirling emotions. I kaleidoscope of feelings . . . and pie.
Current Music: Mike Doughty, of course.

My Many Fetishes

Here it is, Ladies an' Gents. The one you've all been dreading. An entire blog entry devoted to my sexual perversions. Turned on, are you? Heh heh heh, baby. No? That's okay, too. First I'd like to say that anyone who feels the slightest . . . well I guess you'll all feel a slight urge . . . let's say a medium-sized urge not to read on, leave now and enjoy my delicious writing and fascinating entries later, when it's safe. To those of you who choose to venture forward, I think you'll be pleasantly satisfied, not very offended, and maybe, maybe, you'll think about your own sexual orientation a lil' more after this . . . .
Let me start by defining "fetish." It's a term that's been thrown around a lot over the years, and I think it'll help a bushel if y'all understand it better. A fetish, according to my 147 lb Webster's Unabridged Dictionary, is "any object, animate or inanimate, natural or artificial, regarded with a feeling of awe, as having mysterious powers residing in it, or as being the representative or habitation of a deity. Among primitive peoples it is usual for each tribe to have a fetish in common, but in addition, every individual may have one of his own, to which he/she offers up prayers." also "anything to which one gives excessive devotion or blind adoration." But here's the definition that's important to the entry: "in psychiatry, any [seemingly] nonsexual object, such as a foot or a glove, that excites erotic feelings." That's the key one right there. Although, you can see how they're all sorta related. So, now we know what a fetish in general is, let's find out just how freaky I be! I'll go through my fetishes one by one, so as to delve into uncomfortable detail. Everyone buckled up? Then let's go!

Starting off the list, we have S&M. For those of you who are ignorant to this term, or practice what we sado-masochists call "vanilla sex," (uhhhhhuhuh . . .) S&M is Sado-Masochism, a desire to, and a subsequent feeling of pleasure from, inflicting or receiving pain. It was begun by one of my heroes, the Marquis de Sade (1740-1814), a depraved French nobleman who was and still is the poster boy for fetishes. He wrote several books on the subject of sexual perversion, many of which were so foul that his own son burned them. His books were banned in February of 1784, and he was eventually arrested for abducting and beating a woman. Anywaaays, that's what it comes from. However, while sadism or masochism by themselves may simply be pschological problems, togther they are the dynamic duo of role play and fetishery. One person in the partnership is the sadist, the other, the masochist. I'm probably 20%-80%, respectively. I prefer to be on the receiving end, but the idea of dishing it out appeals to me somewhat. Just so long as the other person really wants it and can take it. I don't like cutting, but nipple twisting, face slapping (winks at Cait), spanking, whipping, and hot wax I'm all for. I also have a fantasy about a hot girl kicking the crap out of me. But it goes beyond the simple pain aspect. With me, it's not just the pain, which I kinda like, but the fact that my partner has the power to inflict the pain, and also the fact that I've done something to deserve it; I've been naughty. This leads me to the next fetish on my list: Dominance and Submission. These pretty much go hand in hand, or are handcuffed, rather, to S&M. In this, one partner has complete power over the other. He/She can tell the other partner what to do and how to do it. This obviously has tremendous sexual potential. Some people take it pretty far, though, and let partners control every aspect of their lives. I'm not a fan of this. With this particular fetish, you can be a top (dominant) or bottom (submissive). Again, I'm probably 20% one, 80% the other. These two fetish groups also are associated with Bondage, which I don't really like. I prefer to be able to use my hands . . . any any other part of my body, during the procedings. Bondage involves being, you guessed it, bound, with the possibility of blindfolded and gagged as well. Now, the two fetishes I've mentioned so far go well with my next one. I also have a Foot Fetish. I believe this one speaks for itself. I have a special place in my heart, or rather my winky and bling blings, for feet. However, not just any feet will do. First off, they must be female. My bisexuality does not extend this far. (Sorry, Dan). Next, the feet in question must be soft, well groomed, not bony, but not plump, and clean. Some foot fetishist prefer them dirty and/or . . . smelly. Not me, amigos. I don't hold with that. However, as I am a fetishist, I try not to judge others. Except urine fetishists, I mean, c'mon, guys! Back to feet. What does having a foot fetish entail, Slibbo? you ask. Well, Slibbo I don't mind as a nickname, as that hobo did have it comin' to him, so I'll tells ya. As a foot fetishist, I would be interested in massaging, touching, or kissing my partner's feet. Toe sucking and general grooming are also included in the package. As well as my enjoying her touching me, anywhere, with her feet. Some people like footjobs, which are like handjobs, but with, well, you know. Not me. Some like what is affectionately called "toe-fucking." Not for me either. While I've had the other two fetishes since I was but a wee perv, I developed this last one after watching Cruel Intentions, and realizing I'd like to suck Sarah Michellle Gellar's toes.
I think that's about it, except for the fact that I have a slight, very slight, smoking fetish. That's just that it turns me on to see a girl smoke. Sometimes. I don't want her to use my mouth as an ashtray, or put her cigarettes out on me. I'm not weird. Also, I am, as previously mentioned, bisexual. (oddly enough, that was also the result of Cruel Intentions. Damn you Ryan Phillipe, with your hot ass!) Again, I'm like 20% for the guys, 80% for the ladies. So I guess that's it. Just a few closing comments. Firstly, ladies, submissive guys make good boyfriends. And also, in the words of Tenacious D: "I don't mind suckin' your toes! Huh! Try to find a boyfriend who sucks toe! Huh!" Well, I hope I haven't completely driven away all my friends . . . .
Good night to all, I'm off to look for fetish porn.
Current Mood: I hope I did the right thing . . .
Current Music: Crash Test Dummies, Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm

My Perfect Woman

Today, I'ma talk about something very dear to my heart: a da ladies. I like 'em. Unfortunately, I'm not very good at talking to them. Well, I'm not very good at talking to anyone unless I know them, because I'm very awkward socially, but women especially I am helpless with. I am captivated by them, though. Maybe it's because I've only had two relationships, and so am not jaded with them, but whatever the reason, I am a fan of all things female. (Sorry EJ). So, the first part of this blog is just a tribute to women. You're really somethin'.
And now onto the second part of the blog.
I'm sure there are many reasons I'm unlucky in love, but one may very well be that my standards are too high . . . well, no, that's wrong . . . more like my tastes in female companions are too specific. One wouldn't see this by my choice of said companions, but I mean the reason I don't talk to more girls is that my settings are too narrow. This leads to the second part of my blog: My perfect woman.
People always ask other people. "What's more important to you, looks or intelligence?" I dislike that question. The way I see it, every aspect of your ideal mate is important. You couldn't have the same love for him/her/it if he/she/it wasn't physically attractive. Yet, you certainly couldn't love him/her/it enough if he/she/it was not at the mental level you desired. For me, it goes even farther . . . further? Is this a question of length or of depth? Anyway, it is like that, for me at least, with every aspect of her. That's probably part of my too specific problem right there. So, what would your perfect girl be like, Smarker? you ask. Well, firstly, don't call me Smarker, I hate that name. Must I forever regret not throwing that copy of Huck Finn at that rhino?!? And secondly, I'll tell you. To start off are the big three: Physically attractive, at least as intelligent as me, and funny. (I'd say at least as funny as me, but I need to be realistic, no one is as funny as me.) (It's fun to be egotistical, I recommend you try it.) I'll take the big three one by one and explain in greater detail:
Physical: I would prefer that she be no more than a few inches taller than me, so anywhere from 5'1" to 5'9". Athletic is better than overly slender or volumptous, as far as I'm concerned. (I agree with Arnold on that one. (that's a Total Recall reference).) And also that she be in good shape. I'd love to be able to lift weights with a girl. Not Amazonian, mind you, but not annoyingly . . . um . . . for lack of a better word, weak. I'm not one of those jerks who are so shallow they only date girls with a certain hair color, but I think I like short-cropped, dark brunette, or long sandy blonde. I don't want to sound shallow or greedy, but it'd be nice if she were beautiful. And a great smile is also important. (Although I have met very few girls who did not have gorgeous smiles . . . I think it comes with the gender.) I think that's it for physical for now, except for a few things: glasses are sexy. so are mini-skirts, but I'll touch on costumes later . . . and lastly: I was reading my 14 year old brother's copy of Playboy, and there was an article dedicated to exploring fetishes of the female body. Someone once said that a fetishist is someone who cannot appreciate the female body as a whole, but must take it in a piece at a time. I sort of agree. Except for one condition: If you have a fetish for every part of the body. I think that sums it up for me. (I'll touch on all my fetishes later, at the risk of making my readers uncomfortable.) I guess I'm just trying to say that I love every inch of the female form. Toes, ankles, knees, wrists, shoulders, neck, ears, belly, lower back . . . whoa, got a little carried away there. So, there you have it.
Mental: I like to think I'm pretty smart. I enjoy literature and history, and have thoughts about cultures and politics and science. I can think of nothing more amazing than having an intelligent conversation with a beautiful woman. Thus, brain matter is as important as breast size to me. (Actually, I prefer small-medium sized breasts, and am I'm more of an ass man.) I'd also prefer that she be slightly liberal, or at least more liberal than the current administration, so that I'm not always losing political debates. And I think it'd be good if she was a bit of an over achiever, so we could get the yin yang balance somewhere. I would hope that she's not annoyingly intellectual or quick to degrade other's beliefs like some people I know. And I think that's all for Mental, as I'm getting into personality.
Humour: A very funny, very helpful comedian by the name of Jon Macks wrote that "when a girl says she wants a boyfriend who's funny she means someone who can make her laugh. When a guy says he wants a girlfriend who's funny, he means someone that laughs at his jokes." I disagree. I would love a girlfriend who had a since of humour like mine, who could genuinely make me laugh. And, I guess it would come with the similar senses of humour, someone who could laugh at the same stuff as me. Any girl who finds What About Bob? funny is instantly hot to me.
Personality: Here's the most important one of all, most likely. Above the Big 3. Let's get right into it, shall we? My ideal woman is kind. That's a must. She is ebullient, vivacious, full of life, without being annoyingly hyperactive or bubbly. She is slightly dominating. Now, this obviously stems from my chivalrous nature as well as from my s&m fetish. I mean several things here. First, she expects me to be a gentleman. Second, she makes me do things without being overly controling. I don't mind being whipped if it's in a loving relationship. (Take that to mean whatever you want). But lastly, she's not averse to getting dirty. Working hard, helping out. I don't want someone who does nothing while I toil about like a slave. (Well, that might be fun for a while . . .) While we're on that subject, it'd be nice if she had some of the same fetishes as me, except in reverse . . . you'll undertstand after the next entry. And a diligent working ethic is nice. Oddly enough I'm the hardest worker I know as long as I'm a) doing manual labor, or b) doing what I love . . . which is making people laugh. She should love nature, have an artistic side, and be able to appreciate good music. Spirituality is a key. I don't care what religion she is, but I admire and highly value a spiritual sense. She should be fun-loving, but capable of seriousness, compassion, or reflection. A keen fashion sense would be appreciated. And now a segueway:
Speaking of Fashion, Costumes: By this I mean the way she dresses. Decently. Not anything to risque. Glasses are sexy. Not too gaudy with jewelery, and not a lot of make-up. Clothes? Uh . . . leather, school girl uniform, cowgirl attire. More on this in a later entry.
I think that's it. Oh, and if she's a billionaire, has the other half of this golden amulet and the ability to fly, that'd be super. Is that realistic? And ladies, if you match that description, my number is 413-534-6429. And fellas, the same goes forra you!

Current Mood: Hard to say, a little of everything, really.
Current Music: Solsbury Hill, by Peter Gabriel. "Pack your things, I've come to take you home!"

The First One

Okay. This is officially my first blog. (That one in Houston doesn't count, Trever). I'm quite excited, as evidenced by my nipple erection, and am at a loss for what to write. Usually I'm quite eloquent as far as writing is concerned (when speaking I just stammer out barley audible non-stop jokes). I guess I should start by telling y'all (I used y'all, I'm cool . . . no, wait . . . uncool?) a bit about myself. (Although I don't know what good it will do, as only close friends and enemies will read this). (I need to use more parentheses when I write). Anywho, my name is Richard Joseph Sugrue (II), though I always include a random title or nickname, such as Brigadier General, or "Hacksaw," respectively. I am 5'7", 160 lbs, have a giant golden brown afro, and look out, ladies, am currently single, though hopefully not for much longer. I am a lazy student, a half-hearted Christian, a subversive comedian, a bi-sexual multi-fetishist, an artist, a friend, and an ardent misanthrope. I enjoy lifting weights, reading, film, music, nature, questioning authority, writing, making people laugh, gardening, cooking . . . a lot of stuff but listing. I want to be anything but mediocre. I am Richard and this is my blog.
Okay. For the first entry, now that all the introductions and niceties are out of the way, I think I'd like to just say that I am enormously happy over the success of the final, for this year, anyway, and most daring skit of the HCHSFTCT. (That's Holyoke Catholic Happy Skit and Fun Time Comedy Troupe). (I think). It was a daunting undertaking, and rather complex, what with cues and fight scenes and costumes, and I was worried that it would collapse under it's own weight, but it did not. It soared. It was the hit of the week, nay, the month, and I am grateful to have been part of it, proud to have contributed what I did, and immensely in love with every member of the performance. I would like to thank them all by name:
Tony Celi, for writing the damned thing, handling the casting like a pro, and being drowsily funny throughout the process.
EJ Massa, for helping with revisions, taking charge in some apathetic moments, helping with shopping, handling three back to back costume changes with ease, and providing us with hours of insane hilarity.
Andrew LeTellier, for the great one-liner, keeping us grounded in reality, help with costumes, signs, and administrative duties.
Daniel McLaughlin, for a funny entrance, two great performances, and getting Tony angry.
Nick Labonte, for last minute help and professional acting talent.
Jess Michaud, for filling in last minute and asking questions that got me to keep going.
Caitlin Szewyzck, for a great last minute performance, moral support, and tolerating my butchering her last name.
Tara Maroney, you added extra humour, were great, and dealt admirably with my incompetence.
Enrique Pachieko, you never came to rehearsals, and had us scared, but were awesome.
Meg Lynch, for good natured presence and a great Mrs. Rush.
Marissa Lapointe, for the funniest Sr. Marlene ever, and a professional attitude.
Tricia Parsons, for making the day complete, and some great ad libbed pushing.
Liz Fobare, for help with writing and performing with gusto.
Pawel Binchieck, for ruining a lousy bit and at the same time, making the skit better with a hilarious voice, and also for forgiving my horrible spelling.
Will Murray, for excellent last minute choreography and patience.
Sam Sugrue, for a side-splitting Taft, and great timing.
Stephen Konefal, for perfect coordination, timing, and handling of security.
Tim Goddu, for working so well while surprised and helping a dangerous situation become funny.
Jess Guentte and Robin Garjin, for perfect sluttiness.
Michelle Supernaut, for delivering a crucial line and saving a seat.
Clive W. Taumbaugh, for discovering Pluto.
Evelyn Powell, for bringing grace, sexiness, and remarkable acting talent to a one-note role. And for giving me something to work for.
Mrs. DeStefano, for being a sport and letting us miss deadlines.
Mrs Linnehan, for humouring us and not censoring us.
Mr. Matte, for writing some much needed puns.
Mr. Meyer, for watching us that one time.
Mr. Roy, for drawing it out an extra 15 minutes and being hilarious.
All the teachers who let us portray and mock them.
Anyone who voluteered but didn't help or was ignored in the process.
God, Satan, and SNL.
Tony one more time, he never gets enough credit.
And anyone I was a bastard enough to forget.
Thank you all!
Current Mood: Tired, but happy.
Current Music: Mike Doughty's awesome alt- folk- soft-rock.