My Perfect Woman
Today, I'ma talk about something very dear to my heart: a da ladies. I like 'em. Unfortunately, I'm not very good at talking to them. Well, I'm not very good at talking to anyone unless I know them, because I'm very awkward socially, but women especially I am helpless with. I am captivated by them, though. Maybe it's because I've only had two relationships, and so am not jaded with them, but whatever the reason, I am a fan of all things female. (Sorry EJ). So, the first part of this blog is just a tribute to women. You're really somethin'.
And now onto the second part of the blog.
I'm sure there are many reasons I'm unlucky in love, but one may very well be that my standards are too high . . . well, no, that's wrong . . . more like my tastes in female companions are too specific. One wouldn't see this by my choice of said companions, but I mean the reason I don't talk to more girls is that my settings are too narrow. This leads to the second part of my blog: My perfect woman.
People always ask other people. "What's more important to you, looks or intelligence?" I dislike that question. The way I see it, every aspect of your ideal mate is important. You couldn't have the same love for him/her/it if he/she/it wasn't physically attractive. Yet, you certainly couldn't love him/her/it enough if he/she/it was not at the mental level you desired. For me, it goes even farther . . . further? Is this a question of length or of depth? Anyway, it is like that, for me at least, with every aspect of her. That's probably part of my too specific problem right there. So, what would your perfect girl be like, Smarker? you ask. Well, firstly, don't call me Smarker, I hate that name. Must I forever regret not throwing that copy of Huck Finn at that rhino?!? And secondly, I'll tell you. To start off are the big three: Physically attractive, at least as intelligent as me, and funny. (I'd say at least as funny as me, but I need to be realistic, no one is as funny as me.) (It's fun to be egotistical, I recommend you try it.) I'll take the big three one by one and explain in greater detail:
Physical: I would prefer that she be no more than a few inches taller than me, so anywhere from 5'1" to 5'9". Athletic is better than overly slender or volumptous, as far as I'm concerned. (I agree with Arnold on that one. (that's a Total Recall reference).) And also that she be in good shape. I'd love to be able to lift weights with a girl. Not Amazonian, mind you, but not annoyingly . . . um . . . for lack of a better word, weak. I'm not one of those jerks who are so shallow they only date girls with a certain hair color, but I think I like short-cropped, dark brunette, or long sandy blonde. I don't want to sound shallow or greedy, but it'd be nice if she were beautiful. And a great smile is also important. (Although I have met very few girls who did not have gorgeous smiles . . . I think it comes with the gender.) I think that's it for physical for now, except for a few things: glasses are sexy. so are mini-skirts, but I'll touch on costumes later . . . and lastly: I was reading my 14 year old brother's copy of Playboy, and there was an article dedicated to exploring fetishes of the female body. Someone once said that a fetishist is someone who cannot appreciate the female body as a whole, but must take it in a piece at a time. I sort of agree. Except for one condition: If you have a fetish for every part of the body. I think that sums it up for me. (I'll touch on all my fetishes later, at the risk of making my readers uncomfortable.) I guess I'm just trying to say that I love every inch of the female form. Toes, ankles, knees, wrists, shoulders, neck, ears, belly, lower back . . . whoa, got a little carried away there. So, there you have it.
Mental: I like to think I'm pretty smart. I enjoy literature and history, and have thoughts about cultures and politics and science. I can think of nothing more amazing than having an intelligent conversation with a beautiful woman. Thus, brain matter is as important as breast size to me. (Actually, I prefer small-medium sized breasts, and am I'm more of an ass man.) I'd also prefer that she be slightly liberal, or at least more liberal than the current administration, so that I'm not always losing political debates. And I think it'd be good if she was a bit of an over achiever, so we could get the yin yang balance somewhere. I would hope that she's not annoyingly intellectual or quick to degrade other's beliefs like some people I know. And I think that's all for Mental, as I'm getting into personality.
Humour: A very funny, very helpful comedian by the name of Jon Macks wrote that "when a girl says she wants a boyfriend who's funny she means someone who can make her laugh. When a guy says he wants a girlfriend who's funny, he means someone that laughs at his jokes." I disagree. I would love a girlfriend who had a since of humour like mine, who could genuinely make me laugh. And, I guess it would come with the similar senses of humour, someone who could laugh at the same stuff as me. Any girl who finds What About Bob? funny is instantly hot to me.
Personality: Here's the most important one of all, most likely. Above the Big 3. Let's get right into it, shall we? My ideal woman is kind. That's a must. She is ebullient, vivacious, full of life, without being annoyingly hyperactive or bubbly. She is slightly dominating. Now, this obviously stems from my chivalrous nature as well as from my s&m fetish. I mean several things here. First, she expects me to be a gentleman. Second, she makes me do things without being overly controling. I don't mind being whipped if it's in a loving relationship. (Take that to mean whatever you want). But lastly, she's not averse to getting dirty. Working hard, helping out. I don't want someone who does nothing while I toil about like a slave. (Well, that might be fun for a while . . .) While we're on that subject, it'd be nice if she had some of the same fetishes as me, except in reverse . . . you'll undertstand after the next entry. And a diligent working ethic is nice. Oddly enough I'm the hardest worker I know as long as I'm a) doing manual labor, or b) doing what I love . . . which is making people laugh. She should love nature, have an artistic side, and be able to appreciate good music. Spirituality is a key. I don't care what religion she is, but I admire and highly value a spiritual sense. She should be fun-loving, but capable of seriousness, compassion, or reflection. A keen fashion sense would be appreciated. And now a segueway:
Speaking of Fashion, Costumes: By this I mean the way she dresses. Decently. Not anything to risque. Glasses are sexy. Not too gaudy with jewelery, and not a lot of make-up. Clothes? Uh . . . leather, school girl uniform, cowgirl attire. More on this in a later entry.
I think that's it. Oh, and if she's a billionaire, has the other half of this golden amulet and the ability to fly, that'd be super. Is that realistic? And ladies, if you match that description, my number is 413-534-6429. And fellas, the same goes forra you!
Current Mood: Hard to say, a little of everything, really.
Current Music: Solsbury Hill, by Peter Gabriel. "Pack your things, I've come to take you home!"
And now onto the second part of the blog.
I'm sure there are many reasons I'm unlucky in love, but one may very well be that my standards are too high . . . well, no, that's wrong . . . more like my tastes in female companions are too specific. One wouldn't see this by my choice of said companions, but I mean the reason I don't talk to more girls is that my settings are too narrow. This leads to the second part of my blog: My perfect woman.
People always ask other people. "What's more important to you, looks or intelligence?" I dislike that question. The way I see it, every aspect of your ideal mate is important. You couldn't have the same love for him/her/it if he/she/it wasn't physically attractive. Yet, you certainly couldn't love him/her/it enough if he/she/it was not at the mental level you desired. For me, it goes even farther . . . further? Is this a question of length or of depth? Anyway, it is like that, for me at least, with every aspect of her. That's probably part of my too specific problem right there. So, what would your perfect girl be like, Smarker? you ask. Well, firstly, don't call me Smarker, I hate that name. Must I forever regret not throwing that copy of Huck Finn at that rhino?!? And secondly, I'll tell you. To start off are the big three: Physically attractive, at least as intelligent as me, and funny. (I'd say at least as funny as me, but I need to be realistic, no one is as funny as me.) (It's fun to be egotistical, I recommend you try it.) I'll take the big three one by one and explain in greater detail:
Physical: I would prefer that she be no more than a few inches taller than me, so anywhere from 5'1" to 5'9". Athletic is better than overly slender or volumptous, as far as I'm concerned. (I agree with Arnold on that one. (that's a Total Recall reference).) And also that she be in good shape. I'd love to be able to lift weights with a girl. Not Amazonian, mind you, but not annoyingly . . . um . . . for lack of a better word, weak. I'm not one of those jerks who are so shallow they only date girls with a certain hair color, but I think I like short-cropped, dark brunette, or long sandy blonde. I don't want to sound shallow or greedy, but it'd be nice if she were beautiful. And a great smile is also important. (Although I have met very few girls who did not have gorgeous smiles . . . I think it comes with the gender.) I think that's it for physical for now, except for a few things: glasses are sexy. so are mini-skirts, but I'll touch on costumes later . . . and lastly: I was reading my 14 year old brother's copy of Playboy, and there was an article dedicated to exploring fetishes of the female body. Someone once said that a fetishist is someone who cannot appreciate the female body as a whole, but must take it in a piece at a time. I sort of agree. Except for one condition: If you have a fetish for every part of the body. I think that sums it up for me. (I'll touch on all my fetishes later, at the risk of making my readers uncomfortable.) I guess I'm just trying to say that I love every inch of the female form. Toes, ankles, knees, wrists, shoulders, neck, ears, belly, lower back . . . whoa, got a little carried away there. So, there you have it.
Mental: I like to think I'm pretty smart. I enjoy literature and history, and have thoughts about cultures and politics and science. I can think of nothing more amazing than having an intelligent conversation with a beautiful woman. Thus, brain matter is as important as breast size to me. (Actually, I prefer small-medium sized breasts, and am I'm more of an ass man.) I'd also prefer that she be slightly liberal, or at least more liberal than the current administration, so that I'm not always losing political debates. And I think it'd be good if she was a bit of an over achiever, so we could get the yin yang balance somewhere. I would hope that she's not annoyingly intellectual or quick to degrade other's beliefs like some people I know. And I think that's all for Mental, as I'm getting into personality.
Humour: A very funny, very helpful comedian by the name of Jon Macks wrote that "when a girl says she wants a boyfriend who's funny she means someone who can make her laugh. When a guy says he wants a girlfriend who's funny, he means someone that laughs at his jokes." I disagree. I would love a girlfriend who had a since of humour like mine, who could genuinely make me laugh. And, I guess it would come with the similar senses of humour, someone who could laugh at the same stuff as me. Any girl who finds What About Bob? funny is instantly hot to me.
Personality: Here's the most important one of all, most likely. Above the Big 3. Let's get right into it, shall we? My ideal woman is kind. That's a must. She is ebullient, vivacious, full of life, without being annoyingly hyperactive or bubbly. She is slightly dominating. Now, this obviously stems from my chivalrous nature as well as from my s&m fetish. I mean several things here. First, she expects me to be a gentleman. Second, she makes me do things without being overly controling. I don't mind being whipped if it's in a loving relationship. (Take that to mean whatever you want). But lastly, she's not averse to getting dirty. Working hard, helping out. I don't want someone who does nothing while I toil about like a slave. (Well, that might be fun for a while . . .) While we're on that subject, it'd be nice if she had some of the same fetishes as me, except in reverse . . . you'll undertstand after the next entry. And a diligent working ethic is nice. Oddly enough I'm the hardest worker I know as long as I'm a) doing manual labor, or b) doing what I love . . . which is making people laugh. She should love nature, have an artistic side, and be able to appreciate good music. Spirituality is a key. I don't care what religion she is, but I admire and highly value a spiritual sense. She should be fun-loving, but capable of seriousness, compassion, or reflection. A keen fashion sense would be appreciated. And now a segueway:
Speaking of Fashion, Costumes: By this I mean the way she dresses. Decently. Not anything to risque. Glasses are sexy. Not too gaudy with jewelery, and not a lot of make-up. Clothes? Uh . . . leather, school girl uniform, cowgirl attire. More on this in a later entry.
I think that's it. Oh, and if she's a billionaire, has the other half of this golden amulet and the ability to fly, that'd be super. Is that realistic? And ladies, if you match that description, my number is 413-534-6429. And fellas, the same goes forra you!
Current Mood: Hard to say, a little of everything, really.
Current Music: Solsbury Hill, by Peter Gabriel. "Pack your things, I've come to take you home!"
1 Comments:
Tony's ideal woman:
1) Has beaten Chrono Trigger. Hey, it says more about a person than you think.
2) Strong willed, individual
3) Open minded and hard to offend.
4) Funny, sweet, bla bla bla . . .
There's no point going on, it's already been predicted that I shall die alone in a ditch somewhere. I'd like to think in Europe, the ditches are quite nice there.
Anywho, lot of Rich revealed in the second entry, I must say. I'll be the first to congratulate you on that one, love it or hate it, you put it all out there. You'll notice that I'm very hesitant to present overly-personal subject matter in my blog, and when I do, it usually comes in the form of a subtle and carefully masked joke. Or, I go Zen and present my thoughts in a completelt irrelevant and incomprehensible way.
"Hippos dislike French Peasants" translates to "There exists no soul on this planet that can comprehend what light blazes through my eye."
Etc, etc.
So, kudos on the brave display of self. I hope you find your ideal woman, and if not, I hope you find some companion that will grant you bliss eternal. Hey, if the two of you are ever hanging around some ditches in Europe . . . *winks and points his fingers like a pair of guns, making a clicking sound through his teeth*
Tee hee, sorry if that came off as depressing, I didn't mean it to be. Being married to an open road is a very nice future, for me. Dying alone in a ditch isn't anything I'd dislike that much . . . although few people dislike anyt form of death at the moment of its arrival. In any case, my overly-caffinated corpse might be dancing afterwards like a Mexican jumping-bean. Bring a camcorder! It'll be awesome. We can work it into the special edition of "Undying Love: 3000"
Well, my morbid sense of humor and I are off to fight some crime. I shall see thee in the morrow.
*hops onto steed and rides into the sunset*
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Zoopers, at 9:13 PM
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