I'm Confused.

This is probably the weirdest I’ve felt in a while. I am currently filled with such a range of emotions and confused thoughts and motives that I have no idea what to do. I just hope I can do something. The one thing I don’t want to be is mediocre. If I do something good, great. If I do something stupid, that’s okay, too. There are two songs which have lyrics which sum this feeling up nicely. One is by Sister Hazel. It’s called Your Mistake, and the lines go like this:
I wanna be seen,
I wanna get clean,
I wanna just fall out of in between.
The other one is from a song called Rain King, by Counting Crows. The lyrics are as follows:
Don’t try to bleed me,
‘Cause I been here before
an’ I deserve a little more,
I belong in the service of a queen,
I belong anywhere but in between.
So there you have it. Actually, as I sit writing this I am completely directionless, so forgive the awkward wanderings of my words as I try to convey all my thoughts in the best way I can.

First off, about the whole Evelyn thing, I screwed up royally. It wasn’t completely my fault, but I still despise myself for being such a coward. Brendan Smith was such a great guy to help me with this endeavor. He planned out an entire picnic at Dufrense Park after the last exam last Thursday. (I mean the picnic was then, not that he did the planning then. It took longer than that to plan.) Unfortunately, Evelyn did not show up. She was busy with stuff for the prom. I was then given advice by all my friends to talk to her at the prom itself. This was something I did not want to do at all. I was either too scared or too busy having a good time to make any sort of move, and not until I saw her slow dancing with Brian Rodiwitz did I realize I could ask her to dance . . . and probably have a good shot at getting the affirmative, based on who I saw she was willing to dance with. Sadly, this was the fourth to last dance, and the second to last slow dance. The last slow dance is really for original couples. I was on the dance floor about to ask her when Mike walked up and grabbed her from behind. With my heart in my throat, I found my date and danced the last dance with her. In retrospect, I’m glad it happened that way. If I had asked Evelyn, she probably would have declined and danced with Mike, as was right. If she had accepted, where would that leave Jenny, my date? No, I’m glad happened, sad as it was. However, I did get to dance with Steve’s girlfriend Katherine and Stephanie Lepine. Oddly enough, hot as Katherine is, and was especially so that night, I did not become embarrassingly aroused as I danced. I did with Steph. I don’t know what would be worse, if she noticed I had what the Aussie’s call a “half-mongrel” going, or if she did not notice. (Think about it.) After the prom I went to Brendan’s house for a little after prom orgy . . . I mean party. (Even when I’m on the verge of tears I still can’t stop making jokes. I make myself sick sometimes.) Anyway, we hung out and played a game of Scrabble. It was Andrew LeTellier and Kris Lavertue on one team (they lost horribly, even while cheating, but were fun to watch), Ashley Lapointe and her boyfriend Jerry on another, Brian by himself (he won, the genius bastard!), and Marissa Lapointe, Evelyn, and myself on the last team. That’s right, Brian was a good enough Scrabble player to beat me, Marissa, and Evelyn . . . combined! I managed to make Evelyn laugh, a good thing, and Mike’s friend showed up and managed to out-gay Mike (a near impossible feat) which was also good for my cause, but as we were leaving I had a chance to say something to her an blew it. Thanks a lot, cowardice! Last time I leave the situation up to you. What was I thinking? So that was that. I made several attempts to contact her over the weekend, called her, had friends invite her to get togethers, but to no avail. And now that she knows I’m not graduating, I doubt she’ll be much inclined to want to have much to do with me. Nothing against Evelyn, I don’t mean she’s shallow or anything, I myself even find it a bit pathetic. (The fact that I’m not graduating, I mean.). On top of that, she’s just so . . . uh . . . what’s the word I want? (Gee, I wonder why I lost at Scrabble . . .). Imperious, impervious, unapproachable, out-of-my-league? Getting the picture? Intimidating! That’s what I was going for. Brendan said he was afraid of her Freshman year, but when he told he that she laughed and warmed up immediately. Maybe so, but that doesn’t change the fact that, while I’m normally inept at talking to girls, I’m especially inept at talking to beautiful, smart, confident, capable girls like Evelyn, no matter how harmless they may be. I don’t know if I should even keep trying. I think I’ll talk to her at one of the parties on Saturday or Sunday. So, that’s that update, and the first thing I’m worrying over.

I heard the little poem-speech thing I wrote went over well at Bacc Mass. Mostly because of Brendan’s great song that it fit into like a substrate into an enzyme . . . whoa. Where’d that analogy come from? It’s a pretty good one, but what am I thinking about Biology for at a time like this? Anyway . . . and because of Meg’s excellent reading skills. Sadly, Sr. Marlene still doesn’t know I wrote it. I’m trying hard lately to figure out if I’d be sad or happy if she died. I think a bit of both. I like what she does for HCHS as a whole, but when it comes to her as a person, I wouldn’t mind it if she were hit by a truck. I wish I went to Bacc Mass, and that I was going to Class Night. Unfortunately, I’m not. There are many reasons, but one is that I really don’t feel like part of my class anymore. I vowed that even though I wouldn’t be graduating I would still be one of the 80-something integral pieces of ‘04, but I guess the administration succeeded in breaking my spirit. I don’t feel less than or greater than . . . just different than the rest of my class. I don’t necessarily hate the feeling. Nor do I hate the administration for all that they’ve done to me. I hate them with almost all my soul, but for other reasons. And don’t say it’s because deep down I know I deserve what I’m getting. It’s hard enough without people being assholes about it. No one deserves this. However, I am over it. I’m just feeling lousy today.

I skipped work. It’s because I’m really nervous and don’t look forward to a summer of roofing. But still, it adds to my anxiety. My head kinda hurts as well.

I’d like to thank everyone who was at Andrew’s last night for being so supportive of me. Even his parents. It means more to me than you could know.

Speaking of Andrew’s, I saw a darn good movie there last night. Bubba Ho-tep. The plot is as follows: Elvis is not dead, but for reasons which do not matter, is now residing in an East Texas nursing home, where his only friends are a crazy old black man who may or may not be JFK, and another loony who might be the Lone Ranger. Elvis’s problems, aside from his hip, arthritis, and a growth on his “pecker,” are a lifetime of regrets, a patronizing nursing staff, and a 3,000 year old soul-sucking mummy in cowboy duds. Together, he and JFK try to stop the fiend and save the souls of their fellow senior citizens. Besides the ludicrous plot, other highlights of the film include a seriously scary mummy, cool setting, Ossie Davis’s crazy Jack Kennedy, and Bruce “Evil Dead’s Ash” Cambell’s lovable portrayal of a crotchety but heroic King, I also borrowed some CD’s from Grade-A (my new nickname for Andrew), and am currently listening to the sometimes funny, sometimes melancholy, always insightful sounds and lyrics of the Ben Folds Five. Maybe that’s why I’m in such a sad mood.

We got a bit of a start on Undying Love, but need to get to work badly. It’s a greater undertaking than I imagined. We’ll hopefully work more on it today.

I’m also sad because it’s Wednesday and I can’t see Angel because it’s been canceled. I guess it’s like my relationships with a lot of people at Catholic: I waited until the last minute to see how great they are, and before I know will not be able to see them again. Of course, I can always rent them on DVD . . . .

I need to clean my house.

I am angry at ingratitude. I spent my entire Sunday, from 10:00 in the a.m. until 11:30 at night helping Lisa Reist. My dad and I moved every gigantic piece of furniture they had up the insanely steep and cramped staircase of their house and all I got for it was scrapes on my arms, raw hands, and a sore back. I also painted for three hours. (Slightly off the subject, I painted alongside Dave Morneau and realized he’s a pretty good guy). Anyway, I figured, I spent my entire Sunday that I could’ve used to see friends, brood over my life, or not talk to Evelyn, to move them in, but now I’m done. Let them unpack. It’s their freaking stuff, their freaking house. Maybe I’m being a jerk, but it was a rough day. I didn’t even get lunch because her mom wouldn’t go to two places and so we had to have SUBWAY, despite the fact that most of us wanted McDonald’s. And let me tell you, if you have your heart and taste buds set on McDonald’s, the last thing you want is SUBWAY. Where was I? Oh, yeah. I figured I was done helping. But they wanted me to come back to help unpack their dining room. I had already made plans to go over Andrew’s house, but did that matter? No. And to top this off, after some talking back and forth on the phone, I ended up with a call from Lisa saying that we didn’t have to ignore her calls anymore because she wouldn’t be calling for help anymore. What? I helped move you out of your old home, took a day off of school to do it, and then helped you paint your new home and move into that, and you have the gall to say that to me because I didn’t come to help you unpack your dining room? Phah! And what’s more, I didn’t ignore her calls, I was screening my calls and she didn’t leave a message! How was I supposed to know? Whew. Anyway . . . .

I’d like to publicly apologize to Dan for standing him up yesterday. It was me being scared and thoughtless. I’m sorry.

Wow. From the look of my blog you’d think I wasn’t feeling to well.

I may be sad and distressed for a lot of reasons, but I do feel good about some things. Namely, my lunch, two DVD’s a borrowed from AL, a full day ahead of me, getting this blog done, and a whole bookcase to organize. I really am a contradictory person. I am ridiculously disorganized, but for some reason enjoy organizing things. Especially books.

I have a few announcements to make.

Anyone who is interested, talk to me about going to the beach on Tuesday the 8th.

Anyone who is interested, talk to me about going to a Ba’hai fireside some Monday.

Anyone who is interested , talk to me about going to a midnight screening of Rocky Horror Picture Show some Saturday. Or don’t. It’s actually, in my opinion, a waste of time, sleep, and money. The lights and call lines and cast ruin the movie, and the atmosphere is not what I’d call pleasant. It leaves you with a headache. Maybe it’s an acquired taste. I still want to go in full Frank N. Furter garb to one show.

I still need an invitation to Graduation. I have heard from a reliable indirect source that they don’t check invitations, but I really want to make sure I can go. So, if anybody has any, please see me about it.

I also need to do work on HCHSFTCT guidelines for the HCHSFTCT cadets soon to be captains.

I wanna know when the freaking paper is coming out! I worked hard on those three articles!

For tonight, as I will not be there to correct this, my Senior quotations were miswritten. Stupid incompetent yearbook staff! I had down these three:
“I have more desire to stay than will to go.” -Shakespeare. (That one is ironic, isn’t it?)
“Have a wit as sharp as a dagger and a heart as soft as tofu.” -Chinese proverb.
“Cake or death?” -Eddie Izzard.

They put the proverb as an Izzard quote and left out the “Cake or Death?”, the bastards!

Anyway, anyone who wants to sign my yearbook, go right ahead, just see my brother about. That’s right, lil’ Sammy Cordova will be there handin’ ‘em out. Just keep it nice and try to leave out any, “Too bad you didn’t graduate, you stupid jerk.” comments.

And now, to wind things down, or rather, wrap them up:

Richard’s Joke Corner:

What’s the difference between sin and shame?
It’s a sin to put it in, but it’s a shame to pull it out. . . . you get it? Because they’re talking about a penis! Ha!

A man walked into a dentist’s office and said, “Can you help me? I think I’m a moth.”
The dentist said, “You don’t need a dentist, you need a psychiatrist.”
“Yes, I know,” said the man.
Then asked him, “So then why did you come in here?”
The man replied, “The light was on.”

A machine operator came home from the factory and told his wife, “I’ve got some good news and I’ve got some bad news.” The good news first: I got 25,000 dollars in severance pay.”
“That’s great,” said his wife, “but does that mean that you got fired?”
“No,” said the man, “but wait till you hear what got severed!” . . . . you get it? Because they’re talking about a penis! Ha!

A brunette secretary said to a blonde secretary, “I know how to get some time off of work.”
“How,” asked the blonde.
Without talking, the brunette climbed up on the file cabinet, grabbed a hold of the ceiling lamb, and just hung there. The boss came in and asked her what she was doing.
“I’m a lightbulb.”
“Wow,” her boss, “You need some time off.”
The brunette walked out the door. The blonde began to follow her. The boss asked her, “Where do you think you’re going?”
“Home,” said the blonde, “I can’t work in the dark.”

Current Mood: Happy, for the first time today, but still messed up.
Current Music: Dave Attell's comedy stylings ("That's not music, you douche bag!" -Steve)