A Double Send Off!

Testing 1, 2, 3.
Can anybody hear me?
If I shed the irony,
Would everybody cheer me?
And if I acted less like me,
Would I be in the clear, G?

Hopefully people wouldn’t like it if I shed all the irony and acted less like me. But, at the same time, I hope y’all can hear me. Is this thing on?

Alright. I’m updating again. Let’s get down to business, shall we? What to do first . . . what to do first?

How about a good ol’ fashioned Texas send off?

Today a friend of mine journeys off to the poverty and war-stricken Third-World country of Honduras to help da childrens survive. Who is taking under this noble undertaking? None other than queen of all hotties Evelyn Powell. Evelyn Powell, we salute you!

Fireworks display:

Crackkkkka Booooom! Boom Boom Boom Pha-toom! (Did you see that big red one?) Boom! Ba-boom craaaaackkka bang boom! Pha-toom! Sweeeeeehheeeew! Sheeeewee booom! (Ooo, aah!) Boom BOOM BOOOOOOOM!

Godspeed, Evvie.

Well, now that that’s over, and my eyebrows is singed off, we can move on to the other stuff.

Here’s a thought: Sociologist Emile Durkhiem believed that crime was necessary for a society to function. After all, it provides so many job opportunities and helps the economy and all that jazz. Well, I was watching a news report on Internet porn and the ways people are trying to stop it, from blocking technology and making porn illegal, and I realized that this is a similar situation. The porn industry generates 5 billion dollars a year. The technology to block Internet porn is a 480 million dollar a year industry. So, it seems to me, that all these people trying to limit Americans’ free speech, and subsequently my whacking off, are not seeing the big picture. Focus, people, please!

Here's another thought: I am angered at the rapid changes a certain word has gone through over the past 50 years. I realize that words in the English language change over the course of time, but this is too fast, and the changes are odious. The word I speak of is "gay." It started as a great word, used to describe joyousness, with connotations of revelry and well-being. It then became a non-offensive, popular term for homosexuality. I am more pro homosexual rights than anyone I know, but this change ruined a splendid word. Hardly ever again can it be used in its original context without invoking derisive laughter. The next change came even more speedily, and is a far worse one. People have started to use the word "gay" as a synonym for "stupid" or "difficult." Now, to see how the word has been twisted from its original meaning to this; in essence, to see it ruined, makes me angry. But what makes me more irate is that this second change came about because of the first. So people are indirectly insulting homosexuals by using it in this vane. So, from now on, I will verbally and perhaps physically reprimand any people I hear using the word this way. However, I will give a dollar to anyone I hear using it in the original way. Seriously.

One more thought? Okay: I like reading about movies, specifically comic book movies, because I love comic book mythos and enjoy seeing how it is transmuted onto the silver screen. However, Entertainment Weekly puts too much emphasis on the film itself, almost as if it's saying that the comic book doesn't matter. What’s worse, the articles are written by ignorant jerks who know not the first thing about the comic book. However, on the flip-flop, magazines like Wizard focus too much on the fact that a comic book movie is being made, and not enough on the film itself. In this way, they get all happy when a movie like The Punisher or Daredevil comes out, but then don’t talk about it as a film, because, well, it’s awful. I wish I could find a healthy medium.

And now, a belated Birthday message to Sammy Cordova! He’s hit the big one five! May all your birthdays be filled with sexay ladays and criminals to fight, Sammy, and don’t change. We all love you.

Que noisemakers: rrrrrrrrrrrtthhhhrrrr!
Que confetti
Que singing: Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday, Dear Saaaaaaammmmmaaay!
Happy Birthday . . . a to . . . A youoooo-whooooo

Moving on:

How about that fucking Casting Call that nobody responded to? Huh? Bastards. Ingrates, all of you! Well, I did some work myself . . . With a little help from my friends (I get by with a little help from my friends . . .) And so without further ado:

Casting Call:

Tony: Benecio Del Toro (circa License To Kill), Johnny Depp (I put down Johnny Depp for almost everybody, ‘cause he’s that convincing an actor.
Steve: Sean William Scott
Andy: Nic Cage, Keanu Reeves, Tim Robbins, Paul Walker, Brad Pitt (He suggested those last two, the conceited fiend.)
Caitlin: Kiera Knightley
Sam: Jack Black, Meatloaf
Myself: Kelsey Grammar, Hale Christiansen, Jean Claude Van Damme, “Hyde,” from That ‘70's Show, whichever Hobbit looks most like me, it was Merry, but I don’t know if that was Billy Boyd or Dominic Monaghan . . . the one that did not tip the skeleton down the well in Moria . . . the one that was a member of the Rohirirm (the Riders of Rohan)
Dan: Tom Cruise (circa Top Gun), Elijah Wood
Mike Pytka: “Jack,” from Will & Grace
Will Murray: Steve Buscemi (sorry, Will, but that’s all I thought of last night. If it’s any consolation, Steve Buscemi circa Reservoir Dogs)
EJ: George Clooney, Johnny Depp

Well, that’s all I got for now. But if any a you peoples thinks of any others, for the folks listed or for our other friends, let me know. (And to all my readers who have no idea who any of my friends are . . . comment with your favorite actor.)

Here’s a disturbing story:
I am a fan of free porn. Over the years, I have become very efficient at locating it. One method that usually works well is to go to a search engine and try an unrestricted Image search for a specific pornographic act, as this will oft times lead to free galleries. Don’t just type in “pornography,” that’s too general, you’ll get nowhere. I usually type in “spanking” or “toe sucking.” Now, here’s the disturbing part: It doesn’t limit your search to porn. Thus, interspersed with pics of hot lesbian mouthing each others feet, I get shots of cute little babies sucking on their own toes. (Babies do that occasionally, instead of thumb-sucking.) And for some reason a picture of a baby kangaroo sucking his lil’ paw is in there as well. What the hell is that? Do you have any idea how bad it makes me feel to be aroused and glance over at a picture of a baby? Good God!

Work’s good for now. I’m learning to shingle away like a madman, but my upper arms are all burnt anda crispy. My dad says it looks more like someone spilled an corrosive chemical on me than like I got a sunburn, so I guess I'm one step closer to having as bad a job as Tony. I feel for ya, Tones. Ouch ouch oucherro. This’ll make those late night sessions with my dominatrix all the more painful.

All the ladies be askin’ me, “Rich Z, what aspects of Hinduism do you believe in?”
An’ I say ladies, ladies, Gimme a chance to explain my thoughts on Hindu spirituality, gimme a chance to explain!

The Way of Rich:

Hinduism: Let’s go piece by bit here, shall we. Directly from my World Religions text book.

First of all, I admire the dedication some Hindus have for their faith. I appreciate the vast ranges open to interpretation. And I am intrigued by the whole school of thought. But onto the specifics. Reincarnation? Yep, I believe in it. How could one spend 80 years in one reality and an eternity in another? Seems kinda unbalanced. I believe we are born again into parallel realities much like this one, over and over. Eventually we get to heaven, but we live a little first. Or, maybe it’s one lifetime, then that heaven, then another lifetime and the ensuing afterlife, and so on for eternity. I’d like to think time has very little relevance to this, so I could be a cowboy in another world in my next life. I believe this cycle ends in something like moksha, but with more retaining of the Self. But other than that, moksha sounds nifty. Monism? I believe there is an underlying bond between everything in existence, but at the same time everything retains its identity. In this way, I find the concepts of Brahman and Atman applicable, and to a limited extent true, but not to such an extreme as many Hindus. The Cycles of Creation and Destruction make a lot more sense than the Western linear time thingee. I don’t believe in samsara so much. However, the better you are in this life, the better the next physical life will be. Karma and dharma? You don’t need to be a Hindu to believe in those. I like ‘em. They make the world make more sense and me more hopeful. Caste system? Too easily corrupted by humans. Acting your age? Well, sometimes. Need I explain why kama sutra appeals to me? Karma marga I love. Because I enjoy physical labor so much, I love the thought that I can be getting closer to the divine just by shoveling dirt. It also has to do with unselfishness, which I am great at. At the same time, Jnana marga appeals to the scholar in me. There is one, you know. He’s lazy, but he’s there. Bhakti marga I don’t love, because I hate the ritualized parts of most religions. Maya is a cool concept, but I don’t hold with it on account of the whole importance of self thing. Yoga is one of the most interesting and unique religious practices I’ve ever read about. I am angered that it is now used as a trendy work out routine by ignorant jerks. The mystical union with the Divine is what I’d prefer to the common Western experience. I believe in beings which are between the Divine and humans, call them angels, call them gods and goddesses, I think they’re about the same thing. Avatars? Where have I heard that word before? Oh yeah, I was the first one in the school besides Mr. Ranstrom to find out what it means. No big deal, just came from the fact that I read the Dictionary. But I like that thought, as well. Ba’Hai speaks of avatar-like incarnations of the Divine, who were people such as Muhammad, the Buddha, and Jesus. I think that’s it for Hinduism. Thank you and keep sending me donations.

Now, to talk about a friend:

Tomorrow, someone very close to me will be leaving the East Coast for some time. He is leaving to study at one of the finest schools in the country, and to eventually serve said country in the Air Force. Let’s talk a bit about Dan McLaughlin.

I met Dan freshman year, when he suggested that I join his group in a math project. I’ll never forget his reaching out like that, as I was a shy lad and not prone to socializing with those I don’t know. From there our friendship bloomed and we learned that we had similar sense of humor. Dan made my first two years at Catholic great and I’ll never be able to repay him. Junior year we grew very close. I confided things with him that no one else knew. I felt more comfortable talking to him than to anybody else that year. And it’s a good thing that was so. I was able to get a lot off my chest, and he gave me sound, considerate advice. This year we’ve been in a few scraps together, from a street fight outside of the Hampshire Mall, in which he saved my ass, to a debate about the draft with Tony, Pawel, and Steve. I can think of no other person I’d rather be in those situations with, and no better guy to be defending our country. He’s smart, capable, and decisive. (Plus, he can annoy any enemies to the point of surrender with his song-ruining skills.) Seriously, if there has to be someone fighting and making important decisions overseas, I hope that person is Dan. I’d be glad to serve under him (as I might because while he’s sure to get promotion after promotion, authority and I don’t really mix.) Dan is honorable, decent, and a fun guy to hang around with. He’s also an awesome bowler. So, in conclusion, though it might be infuriating to debate anything with you, because you’re so friggin’ smart, I thank you for four awesome years, and hope to see you soon. Good luck in Colorado, and know that there are plenty of people here who love you. I know you’ll do splendidly.

PRESENT ARMS!

ABOUT FACE!

21 GUN SALUTE!

Bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang BANG!

*Salute*

And now for a mood-lightener, how about a little Joke Corner? Astronauts call it “The Daily.”

Rich’s Joke Corner:

A women went to see a relationship counselor. He asked her how her sex life is with her boyfriend. The woman responded, “I wish it were better, but every morning we have verbal sex.”
“Verbal sex? I believe you mean ‘oral sex’,” said the confused counselor.
No, I mean verbal sex,” replied the woman, “every morning we pass each other in the hall and say, ‘Fuck you!’”

Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties.

Two cows were standing in a field. One said to the other, “You know, I was artificially inseminated this morning?”
The second cow said, “Seriously?”
The first cow responded, “It’s true, no bull.”

More cows:

Two steers were standing in a field in Britain. One said to the other, “I say, did you hear about that beastly mad cow disease?”
“Of course, old chap,” the second cow responded.
“Well, aren’t you worried?” asked the first cow.
“Why would I be, chap?” asked the second, “I’m a bloody helicopter!”
(The best part of that joke isn’t crazy talking cows, it’s crazy talking cows with British accents.)