A Message for Steve

(This was originally inteded as an IM. It soon grew out of control wildly enough to make Instant Messenger illogical. I then considered e-mail, but that was no good as I didn't know your address. Next, I thought about posting it as a comment on your LJ, but that's no good for several reasons. One, it's rude to use someone's comment section as a message board as frequently as I use yours. I'm done with that, rest assured. Two, your LJ has seen enough of my forced drama to last it a while. My blog can be the new 'battleground." I briefly considered telling you in person, but I'd have to wait too long. I also thought of using the phone, but I lose all my eloquence when forced to speak and you have a quietly intimidating presence. It may not be as brave or impressive to post this online, but it will be a good deal more complete and clear.)

Steve,

First, I'm sorry about the way the Mike Doughty concert turned out. In a conversation with Amy two nights before, I realized how stupid it was for us to sit apart when already in such close proximity. I got my anger issues under control, and was planning on watching the show with you. It was not until an hour before the doors opened that Amy informed me how we were to be separated. That was a mis-communication problem. It was not, in the end, my choice not to watch the show with you.

Second, it was my decision to say hello when we first walked in. Amy was content to see you afterwards, but I figured it would relieve some of the tension and make things less awkward if we acknowledged each other. Apparently I was wrong.

Third, I have some problems. I'll be the first to admit that. My anger toward people can often be influenced by feelings of jealousy or personal insecurity. (I imagine it's like that for a lot of us.)
However, I would have to be dangerously delusional to feel the way I do about you now solely because Amy "likes you more." I would be surprised if anyone disliked you for only one reason. These emotions have been brewing for quite some time. And Amy was just one of many catalysts.

Fourth, I intend to try and come to grips with my specific social situation and all of the problems therein, a good deal of which are largely my fault. Until I come closer to being more content socially and emotionally, I’m going to try to shed any, as the self-help books call them, "toxic relationships." I would consider ours preeminent on that list. As such, this will most likely be the last time I speak to you for a while, possibly a few months. If, at the end of my "cleansing" period I am able to continue a friendship with you, I only hope that our ties will not be too broken to repair.

Fifth, I realize that, though she is hardly the cause of my anger towards you, Amy remains a link between us and, as such, poses a problem. Were we still on proper terms, and even if I had no feelings for Amy, I still think I’d be hard-pressed to stand your combined company. You two are . . . disturbing together. (I’m not the only one who feels this way.) Thus, as I still wish to continue my friendship with Amy, but have no desire to be around the two of you, I’m going to sit back and let you "chill" with her indefinitely when you’re in town. I’ll stay decidedly out of your hair.
I ask only two things.
One, that when you’re in town and hanging out with Amy, you don’t seek me out (benevolently or maliciously.) I realize this chance is remote, considering the present social climate, but I know how you’ve been in the past. (Bringing Sean repeatedly within close contact of Tony solely to stir up trouble comes to mind.) And, if you’re hanging out with Amy and find out that a crowd of friends, myself among them, has gone to Tony’s, or to the Rt. 9 Diner and want to "tag along," as you are so wont to do, that’s fine. Just be mature enough to realize your motivation. If you wanna see Caitlin or Andrew, fine. But don’t invite yourself, with Amy in tow, solely to hurt me.(And this applies when Amy’s not with you, as well. It is my desire to not see you for a while. So don’t show up somewhere just to bother me.)
Two, combining the thoughts of the last request, i.e. being in town and seeking me out, be mindful of your motivation in coming home. If you plan on coming home to see family, or friends, or to collect supplies, or even just to see Amy, good for you. But don’t come home to see Amy every weekend just to mess up my time with her. And don’t come home to purposely disturb our plans.

The last thing I wish to say is that, while I am angry with you for a myriad of substantial reasons, I harbor no violent animus towards you. I don’t want to turn this into a feud, merely a hiatus. So, I’d like to establish a kind of Non-Aggression pact. I don’t hurt you, you don’t me.
Strongly consider not pulling a "Hitler" and going back on this. It didn’t turn out well for him; it won’t turn out well for you.

Whew.

With that cleared up (hopefully) all that remains to be said is Sorry for the parts of this fiasco that were my fault, and good-bye for now, Steve.

(I realize that by posting this on my public journal, I leave it open for people to read, scrutinize, judge, and interpret. Know that I posted it here because I'm both a loser who puts too much emphasis on online journals and a coward who fears emotional confrontation. I am not inviting commentary on this. If you feel there is something you absolutely must say, then say it. But, please, don't criticize me, and, above all, don't criticize Steve. This is between us. You can understand what's going on by reading, but don't get involved.)

(And yes, I am fully aware of the partial hypocrisy of the above statement.)

(To Steve: Feel free to express your thoughts and feelings about this however you see fit. Post a comment, post a slew of comments. Post a reactioary entry in your journal. IM me, call me. Come down from New Hampshire and talk about it, face-to-face.)

(Okay, don't really do that last one.)