Starin' down the business end of a double barreled questions post!

My good buddy Tony started an intriguing new segment on his fantastic blog, http://fallenangel.blogspot.com. It's called Question and Answer. I refer to it as Q & A, because I'm busy. Maybe that will catch on. Anyway, the concept behind this is, Tony's loyal readers ask him questions. He, in return asks them questions.
Now, the query sword is doubled edged. Tony has to answer the questions posed to him, provided the parties who asked those questions respond to all of the ones he has asked them.

I have yet to answer any of the questions he asked me, and it's been two segments so far. If I didn't know him better I'd say Tony doesn't really care about the questions he asked me and tell all of you that one can get away with finding out more about the elusive Tony without any effort on one's own part. However, I do know Tony well and am sadly aware that if I don't answer these questions soon, and to his satisfaction, he will hunt me down, unseam me from the nave to the chaps, and fix my head upon his battlements.

So, without furver ado, here they be.
My responses to Tony's questions:


1) Who is your childhood hero?

Hmm . . . that’s both a cliched and difficult question. I don’t think I really had a childhood hero. I mean, there’re the obligatory family members; my father has always been my hero. My mother, grandmothers, grandfather, and great aunt are heroes to me as well. Also, when I was little I created my own fictional character, a swashbuckling, contemplative hero named Michael Galaxy. I even went trick-or-treating as him one year. (With Battle Damage, I kid you not.) But I never looked up to any super-heroes or historical figures. Maybe Leonardo Da Vinci or Benedict Arnold, but that was in Junior High. I might be too cynical for actual hero-worship.
I know Tony has been a starry-eyed admirer of Spiderman since her was a wee tot. Likewise have I been a devoted fan of the Batman. No one is cooler than Batman. NO ONE!

2) What decision, if any, do you most regret?

My regrets are, as is the case with most people, more over things I did not do than over things I did. If I were to try to answer you in regrets of that nature I would need more pages than were used by Episode IV. So, I will try to think of decisions I have made to actually do something that I wound up regretting.
Let’s see . . .
I’ve lied to my dad a lot. I regret doing that. I love him so much, I just don’t wanna disappoint him. Plus, I fear his wrath. Not physical, at all. Thank goodness for that. Even at 30 years my senior and one hundred pounds below my bench press he’d still knock me silly in a matter of seconds. Me and anyone else, for that matter. He wasn’t a Golden Gloves boxing champ for nothing. But the emotional abuse can be tough sometimes. Or, worse than that, just the knowledge that I let him down. So, to avoid having him think me a failure, I lie. Not effectively, I’m afraid. I’m a terrible liar.
So, I lie a lot, and say mean things to people.
I regret being such a jerk sometimes. (A lot of times.)
I regret hurting loved ones. Physically and emotionally.
Other than that, I regret decisions I’ve made with girls. As much as I have deep feelings of regret over words left unsaid and love left unexpressed, I have that many regrets of stupid things said and done. I lose control of myself with girls. Or, I have too much control. It’s always either my Id or my Super Ego who are running the show when I’m around a girl I like. (Which would be all of them.) In some cases I’ve moved too fast, only to find out that either the girl didn’t care for me as I thought she did (always a bit of a huge letdown), or that I don’t care for the girl that much. I’ve said silly things, made awkward advances. They resulted in fun times, to be sure, but, looking back, I’d sacrifice the fun if it meant preserving my dignity.

3) What's your worst job to date?

I have had all of three jobs to date. All of which were physical in nature. While I was doing it, I hated my first job, which was working at my uncle’s lumber mill. But looking back, I am happy for the experience. Roofing was difficult, but not altogether unsatisfying or completely unbearable. Plus, the pay was nothing to sneeze at. My worst job was the ill-fated attempt to work at my uncle’s (different one) gas station. I lasted all of 30 minutes in the freezing rain, then I called a quits and went home.

4) Do you believe in miracles?

Hmm . . . depends on what ya mean by this.
As a Catholic, I believe in the miracles performed by the prophets of old, and all the miracles throughout history which are recognized by our Church. There are some aspects of my faith I disagree with, and some doctrines, for instance "Hell is eternal," that I do not believe. But, for some reason, I believe in all the miracles the Church proclaims.
Partially because my faith is strong, partially because I want to strengthen my faith. You see, if I believe the Church is telling the truth, and these events actually occurred, then my religion is assured.
Also, I really like the whole occult, paranormal aspect of the Catholic Church. You, know, how they’re always funding demon hunters and vampire slayers and trying to stop ancient evil prophecies from being fulfilled.
But, if you mean miracles in a more general since, I like to believe in some sort of Karmic, coincidental, serendipitous force which sometimes works out for people. Fate, happenstance, whatever you wish to label it.

5) What super-power would you most want?

As an avid comic book fan, this question speaks to the deeps of my soul. Long have I wished for powers of mine own. Alas, poor Super powers. I know them well. (That should be Alas, poor Super Powers. I know them, Horatio. The line is commonly misquoted.).

Anyway, here are some I’d like to have:

Super Strength. Boring as this is, it’s the power I’d want most. Being a semi-weightlifter, I know the limits of my body. Just as a genius realizes, the smarter they become, that they are nowhere near really understanding anything, I realize, the stronger I become, that I am truly weak. So, because of this, and the fact that I will probably be doing manual labor for several years to come, I wish I had super strength.
Super strength usually comes with invulnerability, so I’d want that, too. I’m tired of splinters and burns.
Plus, if it comes down to sheer practicality, nothing beats super strength. And, if we get into usefulness in combat, a person with super strength (and, as it usually occurs, invulnerability), is damnably hard to take down. Shoot all the fire, ice, or ray beams you want, run as fast as you can, the guy who can lift a freight train with one hand will probably win.
Next up is Flight. Can’t beat the sheer exhilaration flight would bring. And it’s probably even more fun to show off flight than it is super strength. Plus, I’m more than strong enough to lift a girl at my present physical condition, and "Wanna go fly with me?" would be a great pick up line (pun intended.). Then there’s the obvious one: travel. You’ never have to worry about air fare or high gas prices again.
Wherever I go, I can’t help but observe that I’d love to be able to move objects with my mind. Be it a girl’s skirt or a can of soda, I wish I could mentally drop it or lift it. Therefore, Telekinesis, of any strength, would be third. And, aside from the more practical uses of this power, nothing beats telekinesis as far as spooky pranks and spectacles go. Imagine sitting listening to some boring lecture in a dreary hall somewhere. What if, all of a sudden, the chandeliers in said hall snapped and fell to the ground in quick succession? Or, think about pummeling a friend with a barrage of ping pong balls. Without moving anything other than your eyebrow.
Also, there are plenty of people and things I’d love to set fire to, but can’t without being caught. I mean, it’s kinda hard to light a guy’s shirt aflame in an unsuspicious manner. Fourth is Pyrokinesis. There are few forces in this earth as beautiful, powerful, and destructive as fire. So, the ability to create and/or control fire is well up there on my list.
Next up is Invisibility. This is a very simple power. Not much you can do with it other than stop people from seeing you. However, as a naturally curious individual, I am captivated by the idea of being able to find out what other people say about me when they assume I’m not around to hear it. The potential to steal things is also a plus, provided I could make my clothing and perhaps a backpack invisible as well. Otherwise I’d have to hide any swag I hoisted in my . . . body cavities.
And, hey, I’m not gonna lie to you, if I had the power to become invisible, I’d totally spy on people in the shower. To be dreadfully honest, I’d probably watch everyone who is now reading these words when they were in the nude.
Lastly is Phasing. For anyone who doesn’t know what this is, it’s the ability to pass through solid matter, kinda like a ghost. This, much like invisibility, would be a damn helpful power if I ever wanted to steal things, or make a fast escape. Also, some phasers can do serious damage by partially phasing through something. For instance, if there were an evil robot needed defeating, I could phase in and grab its cold metallic heart, then phase out, neat as you please.

Well, that’s it for what super powers I’d like to have. Keeping in mind I’d give anything to have any super-power (aside from my super-humor), there are some super-powers I’m not too fond of. They are, sequentially:

Laser vision. Yep, laser vision. It never did it for me. I have no idea how much one can actually see while firing these blasts, or, even more importantly, how much damage it does to one’s corneas. On top of which, though I am well aware that light has no weight, for all intents and purposes, I have always felt that the strain using laser vision puts on one’s neck is best avoided. And, when you get right down to it, how useful a power is it, anyway?
Teleportation is another one I wouldn’t want, simply because 1) it’s not a very threatening super power, and 2) I’d always be afraid that I’d teleport into the middle of something . . . or someone . . . and end up horribly maimed.
Superspeed is no good. Just think about the wear and tear it imposes upon the body. Clothes burn up from the friction, shoes melt. Then there’s the light-speed metabolism, which requires you to gorge yourself regularly just to stay alive.
Telepathy. Mind control is one thing, but the ability to just talk to someone without words or gestures never intrigued me much. I speak from both practicality and level of cool on these powers.
Finally, Illusory powers. The mental ability to create sometimes astoundingly complex illusions. First of all, I imagine it’d take years to get any sort of handle on, and decades to master. Secondly, at the core, it’s not real.

So, as you can see, my favorite powers are based on what I could potentially do with them, as well as how practical they are.

There are a few other powers which are obviously amazing and completely practical, but scare me off because of how powerful they are.
Such as,
Control over the Weather, Electro-Magnetism, or Gravity. The ability to heal other people with your touch. And, that old, never fully explained chestnut, the ability to alter the structure of matter.

The Green Lantern has the greatest power in comic books . . . ever.


6) What are your long-term plans?

It depends how long-term ya mean. I plan to attend college, as I am currently doing. I never really plan to finish college. I’d like to get a doctorate in some subject or other, I just think it’ll take me a while. And I’d like to keep taking classes until I die. I’m thirsty for knowledge.
For a career, I plan on being a journalist. If I get my way, I’ll work for an entertainment magazine as opposed to a newspaper. I would love to be an author. I don’t think I’ll be a "classics" type. No, I just wanna write comedy and adventure novels. Frankly, I’d love to do anything with creative writing, especially screen-writing and comic-book writing. I’m very aware, however, that it is a difficult field to be successful in. So I remain realistically optimistic and keep practicing.
And I’d want more than anything to continue doing comedy, especially in a troupe.
I figure I’ll get married. (See Perfect Woman post-- http://whiteytighties.blogspot.com/2004/05/my-perfect-woman.html#comments) And probably have children. Three or so.
I’d like to live out the rest of my days in a small New England town, and possibly run for some sort of elected position, mayor even. I’d also like to become an authority on the area. A local historian.
Then . . . I die, and hopefully go to heaven. From there on I have nothing planned. I’ll probably lift weights with Jesus, though.

7) Where do you see your comedy going in the future?

Sadly, I have been feeling most creatively deprived as of late. Usually I at least feel creatively depraved. I haven’t written any stand-up since Parent Appreciation Night. I imagine it’s because I don’t follow current events, don’t watch Comedy Central anymore, and lead a very boring life. But, there are a few jokes a’rumblin’ around in the ol’ bean, and I plan to do stand-up over the summer. For the distant future, I wish to continue doing stand-up hopefully as long as I can stand and talk. I’m sure there’ll be local theatres wherever I live that will accommodate me. Also, as mentioned above, I hope to write comedy. Be it scripts or novels.
I don’t plan to go professional. I am far too full of self-doubt. But I might be coerced into making people laugh for money if I had the proper team assembled with me.

8) If you were to start a comedy troupe, who would be in it?

Well, speak of the Devil! That’s just what I had touched on in the last question.

If I started a comedy troupe, these are the people I would have in it:

Starting off, there are two people I could not do anything very funny without.

Tony Celi and Andrew LeTellier.

I’m at my creative best when working on a sketch with Tony, or acting with him in a Python Skit. We would be a grand script-writing team. And Andrew and I have a comedic chemistry that I cannot explain. We play off (and with) each other very well. We have this arsenal of funny talks, phrases, and gestures which have become so much a part of the both of us that we cannot determine who started what. We wouldn’t be great at planned comedy, but would excel at informal, off-the-cuff hilarity. I’d imagine that our antics would be the source of many a skit which Tony and I, but mainly Tony, would expertly craft. If I had to have one person to write sketches with and brainstorm alongside, it’s be Tony. The one person I’d want at my side for an interview for social situation is Andrew.
I would love to host a morning radio show with Andrew, and would love just as much, writing a comedic screenplay with Tony.

Next I would want EJ Massa and Dave Laprade.

They both bring a sort of maniacal creativity to the stage. EJ is slightly more self-assured, and almost arrogant, in his madness. Oddly enough, besides being an improvisational genius, and a wacky, spontaneous lunatic, he is also the most organized and determined of this roster. He would provide a much needed center, as well as authority and driving force. Yep, when I think EJ I see him behind us all the way, with the driving force. From behind. Thrusting and driving. EJ.
(I’m hinting that he’d sodomize us!)
And Dave, his mania is more controlled and thoughtful. Dave is more a cynical wise-man kind of lunatic. Plus, he might be the best writer I know, and aside from acting as a stabilizing third side to the script writers, he’d eventually renew interest in us when we’re old and disbanded with his best-selling memoirs.

Next Dan and Steve.

Hey, c’mon, these guys go together like mustard and glue. They’d be perfect for the team.
Steve is musically talented, and, as most of our influences (Tenacious D, Monty Python, South Park, 16 Buttons of Justice, and Whose Line Is It Anyway) have musical components, he’d be a valuable addition. He and Andrew could whip up some damn fine ditties, I’m sure. And Steve is usually a good sport and very helpful, be it in acting or creating. Plus, depending on how much he gets his old zing back, his jittery daredevil attitude would be a great asset. And, finally, If Steve is one thing, it’s decisive. He’d be able to get us moving again once we’d reached a deadlock or dilemma.
Dan is a talented actor. Moreover, he might very well be the zaniest improv artist of the group. It might not always be laugh-out-loud funny, but Dan can always think of something to say or sing, in any situation. On top of which, Dan is eager and always ready to lend a hand. He has the best knowledge of current events of anyone I have assembled, and probably the best understanding of history. His military connection may also come in handy.

Next come Caitlin and Brendan.

Brendan is included for four reasons: 1) He’s funny. 2) He’s musically talented. 3) He’s fun to be around and can usually be called on to encourage shy folks and calm hot-tempered ones. 4) Mr. Matte’s English class. As I’m sure Brendan recalls, we earned praise and high marks for our Modernist parody, the title of which I cannot remember. Aside from showcasing Brendan’s creativity and humor, this shows me that we work well as a team. One of the many regions of comedy I’d like The Troupe to march into is that of published writing. I aspire to be a comedic novelist myself someday, and would like more than anything to have our team produce all sorts of books, plays, and short stories.
Caitlin is the funniest female I have ever encountered. Mind you, this isn’t saying much as her sex has never been plentiful in the humor department. However, Caitlin is not just the funniest girl I know but one of the funniest people of any gender. (According to Amy there are at least 17 genders.) Anyone who does not already know the boundless comedy whirling around in Cait’s purty head should read her blog. It’s usually chock-a-block full of her particular humor, a surprising blend of quirky and clever.
Besides, even if she weren’t all that funny, I’d have her on the squad because diversity issues might arise, a la Anchorman, and it’s best to get these things over with quickly so Ron, Brick, Brian, and Champ . . . I mean Steve, Dan, Sam, and Andrew, don’t have breakdowns and incite gang wars with other comedy troupes over the addition of a female to the team.
I would also consider including Amy, as she’s strikingly intelligent and witty when called upon. Plus, she too has a firm grasp of current events. And, finally, her "occasional" drunken sprees would no doubt provide fodder for skits, and be devilishly helpful for improv.
And, having too hot girls on the team couldn’t be bad for morale. I hope they know how to make pancakes.

Next come Edward McCorkindale and Jacob Motroni.

Eddy, despite somber attempts on his part to the contrary, is quite funny. He frequently displays flashes of wit which make me jealous. Moreover, her, like Dan, is big on current events, especially social and political developments, but is Dan’s opposite in many ways; being the liberal for Dan’s conservative. His neurotic tendencies would also fuel our sketch-writing drive.
And of course good ol’ reliable Cap’n Jake. He is an intriguing composite of Tony, EJ, and myself, but is certainly different, if not necessarily greater than, the sum of his parts.

Finally, what comedy troupe would be complete without Sam?

He acts, he sings, he dances. He’s a master of disguise. His insane drivel puts EJ to shame. He leaps about with bug-eyed, mustachioed comedic fury, swearing, slurring, firing his twin six-shooters with reckless abandon. Frankly I can’t picture our little unit without him.

Well, that list rather nicely finishes off my ideal comedy troupe (which, just between you, me, and the template, is slowly forming as we speak), as well as this round of questions.

Hah! Rich 6, Questions 0!

Round Two!
Fight!

1) Who is your least-favorite super-hero?

This is a good question, and will possibly (read: definitely) lead to an immediate rant.
As a student of comic book mythology, I am very well acquainted with scores of heroes, villains, and other such characters, and have had time to reflect on what makes a character "good."
There are obviously numerous criteria for an engaging character, depth, past, appearance, speech, etc., but the topic I wish to touch on today is that of vulnerability. Every decent character has vulnerability. That, and nothing else, is what makes his or her quest worth following. Vulnerability, physical and otherwise, does many things for a character. For one, it adds a sense of tension and urgency to his/her mission. If this person could die at any time, you watch his/her progress with intensity. Second, it allows the reader/watcher to sympathize and commiserate. The character in question breaks a bone or loses a loved one and we know how they feel. We feel for them, and with them. Third, it allows for greater character freedom. If the person is vulnerable, it means they are flawed, it means they have a complex history. Finally, the vulnerability of a character makes his/her saga exciting and fun.
So, what I’m getting at is I hate invulnerable characters.
Remember in The Matrix, when Neo is fighting the army of Smiths? At the very culmination of that epic battle, what happens? He flies away. Can you see what a letdown that was? Our hero may be facing the worst odds ever, his foes may be marching against him, but, what’s the point? He can just fly away if the situation gets too sticky.
It is for this reason that I hate Arucard. For those of you who don’t know who he is, Arucard is the screamingly boring lead character in the woeful anime series of wasted potential that is Hellsing. I hate Arucard because nothing hurts him.
In his first animated adventure, he saves a young girl from a town of vampiric zombies lead by an evil priest. He struts into the villain’s base, the ruins of an old church, all dark and dashing in his flowing red trench coat, and proceeds to let his enemies literally blow him to bits. Surrounded by legions of ghouls, Arucard smiles, flashing his pearly white fangs, and heroically falls into bloody tatters. Then, as the evil priest lets out a sigh of relief, Arucard reforms like the liquid metal monster in Terminator and effortlessly kills the entire assemblage of demons.
Throughout all his adventures, nothing phases ‘Card. Nothing hurts, nothing stops him, nothing really even slows him down.
In a later episode he duels a platinum blonde dandy of a vampire and gets shot in the face.
I got excited here. I thought ‘Card had finally met his match. But, no, he gets up and distorts reality, and devours the enemy without moving a muscle.
Even in the finale of this epically depressing series, when facing a bald, purple freak apparently as strong as he is, he never even breaks a sweat. He just keeps getting diced to ribbons and rising again.
Where, I ask you, is the interest in this? How can this (anti)hero be at all endearing if nothing can hurt him?
This is the same reason I hate Lobo, scourge of the DC universe. Lobo is an infinitely foul-tempered alien bruiser who is confusingly evil for no apparent reason. He was like this since birth. That’s lucky, no deep background is needed, he’s just mean.
Well, Lobo likes to hunt people and hurt people and dink and pillage and terrorize for no apparent reason. But the annoying thing about him is that he can’t be hurt. He’s nearly indestructible, he can replicate himself at will, and he can regenerate back to his full self if even a cell of his body remains intact. Worst thing is, he has no weakness.
These are the characters I can’t stand. The ones who never get hurt.
People (like Tony) claim Lobo and especially Arucard, are the ultimate badasses. Their the toughest of the tough guys who take no guff and are uncompromisingly cool. They’ll throw down with anyone!
And to this I say, "Shut up, you idiots."
How impressive is it to be the toughest guy when nothing can hurt you? In order for a character to be admirable in their willful destruction, they have to be vulnerable. They certainly have to be mortal. Then you can nod your head approvingly as they run into the fray, because they actually have something at stake.
So, who’s ultimately cooler? Arucard or someone like the Joker? Both are insanely disestablishment, both are freakishly violent. Yet, when I see the Joker on a killing spree, I know that he can be grievously wounded or even killed. This makes it exciting and makes him an character you can sympathize with.
Or how about Batman? He’s the most dangerous person in the DCU, but he’s also one of the frailest. In a fight of Batman versus Superman, who do you root for? I root for the guy who can’t win. The guy who knows he’s severely outmatched but fights on anyway. This always made Wolverine one of my favorite heroes. Adamantium bones and rapid healing or not, he feels every punch he takes, and he can be killed, as evidence by numerous alternate reality stories.
To me, a dark, angry tough guy is no fun unless he constantly gets the crap kicked out of him but keeps fighting.
So, Richard says "no" to invulnerable characters.
But, as with all my rules, there are a few exceptions.
One, it’s okay if the character is completely flat or if the character is ultimately something other than hero or villain. Take for example Doomsday, the beast what killed Superman. I don’t necessarily hate him for being indestructible because he’s just an engine of destruction. There’s not a lot of character potential. Or, The Hulk. As a hero he’s boring, because he can never even be scraped. But as a study of aggression, or a completely unique type of character, a kind of "force-with-feelings," he’s truly "incredible."
Two, it’s okay if they’re vulnerable in other ways or if they are likeable.
For this exception I use Superman as my only example. First of all, he is vulnerable, slightly. His creators were thoughtful enough no to make him so annoying as to not have a weakness. He has several. Kryptonite (in all its colors), red sunlight, ultra-violet light, or yellow-sun deprivation, magic. Also, he needs to breathe, he needs water, and he needs food.
On top of all these, Superman has a conscience, and a deep-rooted sense of responsibility for every living thing on the planet. As such, when someone dies, when a tragedy occurs that he believes he could have prevented, this hurts him far more than a laser beam or a karate kick ever could.
Contrast this to Arucard who, though also invulnerable, doesn’t have any sense of right or wrong and has on several occasions sat around with his shades on while innocents were slaughtered.
And the second reason Supes is okay in my book is the fact that he’s such a nice guy. He’s the kind of true-blue, all-American boyscout who’d save a puppy from a flood or give a kid back his errant balloon while protecting said tot from falling rubble. He’d help you out when you’re in need and laugh with you at a joke you told. Superman is a good person. So, who cares if he can bend steel and change the course of rivers?
Moreover, Superman makes me feel safe. His presence inspires courage and hope. I like to know there’s a guy like him around, who’s indestructible and immensely strong, so that when some irritable, violent asshole like Lobo comes riding into town on his intergalactic chopper, Supes is there to show him what for.
Where was I? Oh yeah. My least favorite super-hero.
Marvel: Silver Surfer. I’m wary of any comic-book character who tries to be taken seriously while riding around the cosmos on an Earthly recreational device. D C has an incarnation of Death named the Black Rider who zooms around on skis. Skis, for Godsake!
DC: Hawkman. He’s too confusing. Worse, he seems to have oodles of wasted potential.

2, number 1) Which super power would you most want "just to mess around with?"

I partially covered this one in the last batch of queries, but for the sake of being redundant, repetitive, and redundant, I’ll touch on it again.
If I could mess around with a power I’d pick Telekinesis, for one. With this I’d impress people and pull pranks. Depending on how strong my mental force was I might lift friends into the air and flip them around like acrobats.
Or, Invisibility. Definitely watch all of you shower. Definitely.

2, number 2) Where would you most like to visit?

Ah, what a delightfully (and, oddly enough, specifically asked for) vague question.
Since I don’t know what this is limited to, let me tell you all the various places I’d like to go, sequentially, in geographical order smallest to greatest.
The smallest geographical unit I’d like to start the list with is towns. There are three towns in the surrounding area I’d like to visit.
Deerfield. I used to have a friend who lived there and was always slightly fascinated by the brief glimpses I was given of the town when I’d visit him. Perhaps part of this is nostalgia, a sense of wanting to reconnect with my youth.
Amherst: Ye olde pretentious college towne. The folks at 100.9 speak highly of it, and on the few occasions I’ve passed through (all work related), I liked what I saw. It seems like a countrified Northampton.
Littleton: The hometown of one of my former girlfriends, the bland Ms. Becca Smith. I believe it’s an absurdly wealthy, isolated "little" community with lots of wild places.
Expanding now, from town to state:
Washington. I very much want to see the rainforests of North America, and this square chunk of the West Coast is apparently rife with them.
Louisiana. Mardi Gras, the bayou, cypress swamps, and Spanish ruins. This is as distinctive and diverse a place as you’re likely to find in the U.S.
And Alaska. I have no aversion to cold weather, and the natural beauty of this massive snowball would more than make up for the long flight.
International!
Countries:
Europe. Yep, it’s one country. Ever since Metternich declared himself a citizen of the continent, the countries of Europe have been as close as a litter of puppies. Puppies who occasionally squabble and scuffle and bomb each other.
Anyway, it’s rich in culture and all that stuff. Plus, the accents are hot.
Australia. Ever since Eddy and I went there on a mission of peace and adventure, I’ve been in love with the Land Down Under. Everybody says they want to go there, but I feel only I can say it with assurance. It’s a big place, and I would like nothing more than devoting a year or so of my life exploring it by train.
The Orient. Another massive region I’m calling a country. No one can deny the tranquil, mysterious, almost alien beauty of South East Asia. I yearn to explore it. Maybe I’ll pull an Anna and the King, maybe a Seven Years in Tibet, a Lost in Translation, or a Last Samurai. No matter what my stay is like, I wish to have a better understanding of that strange and distant land.
From Earth to the Stars! As far as planets in our Solar System go, I’d like to go to Jupiter, because, A) I want to see what a gas giant is actually like. People say you couldn’t physically walk upon them, but I’d like to test that theory. And also examine that giant storm spot. Then there’s Pluto, as well. It’s small and mysterious, like me. And I need to one-up Taumbaugh! That’s all for planets.
(Ha! You all thought I was gonna say I wanted to explore Uranus!)
Expanding beyond the physical world to that of the afterlife, I’d kinda like to visit Purgatory, you know, to see what I’m in store for.
And now into realms of the imagination. I’d most like to travel to Narnia, because I have a fondness for huge, talking lions and I like my fantasy has laden down by Christian metaphors as possible.
There, or Eternia. I would so walk around wearing nothing but chest straps and fur skivvies. He- MAN!
And finally, back from fantasy, past the afterlife, the planets, the Earth, all the way down to the human body. What part of a girl would I most like to explore?
There are three. Yep, just three.
Ankles.
Lower Back.
Stomach.

3) Sam Vs. a really big sandwich. The winner?

Hmmm . . . I’d have to go with the Sandwich.
Well, if it were a giant, moving sandwich that threatened to devour whole cities, then Sam would destroy it in a glorious battle royale. He’d set up roadblocks and booby traps and fire missiles from his cowboy boots. He’d nimbly dance around the circumference of the beast, kicking and yelling slurs. Finally, he’d pilot a helicopter loaded with explosives straight at the creature, leaping out at the last minute before the craft crashed into the sandwich’s face, blowing it up. He would parachute to the ground amid a hail of cold cuts and lettuce, while it rained condiments over the city.
However, if it were a sandwich of the same size that was just an edible lunch-time treat, Sam would give a mighty try to eat the thing, but would eventually get a stomach ache and lose interest.

4) What is the most compromising position you've ever been found in?

This one’s hard to answer. I can’t really give specifics, but, as I lie a lot, whenever I get caught lying and have to lie my way out of that.

5) Biggest frustration in life?

Losing things is way up there. Losing my wallet or watch and then tearing the house apart in a frantic search.
Not being able to lift a certain weight. That gets me boiling.
And most of all, being misunderstood and insulted by my fickle public. I hate it when that happens.

6) Your butt is on fire. Respond.

Ya know, there’s a funny lil’ homemade video on Ifilm in which this hot chick lets these guys light her ass on fire. I think they were all dangerously inebriated. It reminds me of Amy.

Anyways . . . what’s going on?

Oh, my butt is on fire.

Two responses:

If it’s accidental:
Aaaaaaaaahhhhh! Put it out!
Then I’d skid across the dirt on my bum until the flames were extinguished.

If it’s intentional:
Oh yeah! Now get the nipple clamps!




Thank you very much. I’ll be here all week.



Current Mood: Anxious (to get the more fun to read posts done.)
Current Music: BNL, One Week