Even Stephens (Or: Nancy Drew and the Case of the Konefal Conundrum)

Steve

1. When pausing to reflect on the matter of my friend, Steve, I always arrive at the inevitable conclusion that he is indeed two entities; two separate but equal wholes which are only partially distinguishable and perpetually inseparable.

One Steve is a thoughtful, loving friend. He’s always there to talk to you when you’re feeling down, expressing genuine interest in your problems and offering heartfelt advice.

The other Steve is a thoughtless, uncaring jerk. He’s always there to make you feel bad, completely uninterested (save some mild amusement) at the trouble he causes.

With almost anyone else, they would convey a blend of those two sides. People would say of them, "Well, he’s sometimes nice, sometimes mean, so I guess he’s just alright."

Yet you, Steve, somehow manage to be both and keep everyone fully mindful of both, so one cannot say "Well, the good evens out the bad." No, the good exists in time with the bad, but they never merge. You're never just alright. You're a very black and white kinda person.

There are few friends I care for as much as you, and simultaneously, few people I hate as much as you.

Your "duality" is evident in every nature of your being:

You are as chivalrous as a guy can be whilst remaining blissfully unconcerned with everyone else’s feelings.
You try to be helpful by being hurtful and disguise many of your most stinging barbs behind a friendly smile.
There are instances in which the two sides do blend, and form peculiar off-shoots of your personality. For example, Steve the jester, the perennial prankster, would not exist if deep down you did not want everyone to loosen up and have a good time. However, he would also not exist if you, deep down, had little concern for others.
You're an attention whore. The only thing that stops you from blatantly demanding attention like Andrew does, through childish, goofy antics, is your infuriating attitude of superiority. (Which, more infuriating still, you are quick to deny through self-deprecation.)
The attention-hungry Steve is possible through the narcissism of Bad Steve and the likeable vulnerability of Good Steve.

You make quitting seem cool. You make giving in seems stylish and admirable. I can have a passionate argument with you, and be, as you seem to be, caught up in the debate, until you pull out right before the finale, and say, with your trademark smirk, "M’eh, I’m already indifferent to the issue." And people admire you for this. Meanwhile, I seem like a pathetic fanatic, still raging on about this "old" topic, while you had been railing as furiously as I had been until one turn ago. As one friend was heard to remark, "Fighting Steve is like battling the Ocean; you can’t win."
You, Steve, are both pure and a hypocrite; both kind-hearted and cruel. You are an optimist who can buoy a person's spirit and a cynic who can crush a person's hopes. I know few people as humble of their amazing gifts and few people as vain about their mediocre ones.

You are absurdly talented, and limited, and oppositely aware of each.

You are villified, but are undeniably well liked.

You are popular for the same reason that Nelly is popular: People en masse love something flashy and hip that they don’t have to think about, and are willing to forget quality.

And yet, you are unappreciated for the same reason that A Perfect Circle is unappreciated: People en masse don’t want to look deeper or give their time to realizing something thoughtful and thought-provoking and honest, and don’t care about quality.

So, you see, this isn’t an instance of it being Steve and Evil Steve, in which one recognizes the bad version by a cliched scar or goatee or eye-patch. No, it’s a case of Steve and Steve. Both completely represent you, and each seem your antithesis.

And yet, love wins out in the end.

For we are your friends and, despite your attempts to the contrary, we love you anyway. All of you. Because it’s who you are. And those two guys are somethin’ special.

2. Movie: The Crow, because it is your favorite. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, because it was your favorite, and aspects of it remind me of you. And Closer, because of the Life Aquatic fiasco. Also Anchorman, because you were the first to quote from it and haven't quit yet.

Songs: Korn’s cover of that Cameo hit "Word Up" will make me think of you with an indulgent smile whenever I hear it. "Asshole," by Denis Leary. I can’t help but associate you with The Killers’ raw pop hit Mr. Brightside, for obvious reasons. There’s always 3 Libras, by A Perfect Circle, and In Your Eyes, by Peter Gabriel. Those two not for the lyrics, but because you sang them from time to time in high school. Then we got Napoleon, by Ani D. That song has made me think of you since the first time I heard it. It’s partially about a musician’s barely restrained justified jealousy. Finally The Fonz, by a pre-sell-out Smashmouth. That one’s about a guy lamenting an unbearably cool friend.

"The definition of icy.
The measure of what’s up.
Yeah you could play the tuba,
An’ everyone would clap.
Well I can play the tuba
But they all just shake their heads,
‘Cause you’re the Fonz."

Mike Doughty Song? Always Rising Sign. The allusions to fire and lighters are and cigarettes scream "Steve." But right now the Mike Doughty song that makes me think of you is Looking at the World from the Bottom of a Well. It, like almost all of Doughty’s songs is open to vastly varying interpretation on its meaning. But my feel is that it’s the cry of someone who is purposely distancing himself from the world. Someone who’s lonely and aggressively trying to ignore it, be it through drinking or meaningless relationships. (Amy’s not Cuban. If she were, it’d add another dimension to the semblance.)

"That Cuban girl
That brought me low
She had that skin so fine and red lips rose-like now.
Her mouth was wide,
And sweet as well,
And now relentless hours of dreaming up her smell.

And I feel as if I am looking at the world from the bottom of a well."

(To get a better feel for the song, check out the music video: http://mikedoughty.com/news/show/45

The "Cuban Girl" has a nose stud and Mike performs some very Steve-like gestures and expressions.)

3. Let’s see, this’ll take some thinkin’. A’ight, check it. Steve, as you love the Winter (an admirable season to choose), you will be January. Late nite, obviously. Let’s say 1:37 a.m. And, on a Sunday. So you are 1:37 on a cold, crisp January night. There’s that chill in the air that makes one feel energized and alive. That intangible buzz that makes one want to do something crazy. Maybe it comes from the frigid evening, or maybe it emanates from you yourself, Steve. When most people want to call it a night, you are still full of ideas on where to go and what to do. You’ll speed everyone to Anthony’s or drive along some backroad to a small 24 hour diner. You’ll take everyone to Holyoke or Chicopee on some fool’s errand. (Normally I’d be angry and disappointed that the trip was for nothing, but with you, Steve, I'm just happy to be with you for the ride.) Nobody is better than you at making adventures.

4. Word: "Co-existent," as there’s two of you occupying the same place at the same time. I would say apathetic, but not only would that be unoriginal, it’d be an injustice to a guy as multi-faceted as you for everyone to use that one.

5. I’ll agree, running you over with my car, only to have you run my car over yourself was a fun one. Other than that, I can’t select any specific time from our countless talks and rides together. They all blend into an almost mystical experience that I am most thankful for. Oh, and there was the time you set my shower curtain on fire. Thanks a lot, ya maniac.

6. Dog: Would it be too predictable to say "Irish Setter?"
You're probably a Labrador Retriever. Short-haired, blonde, frisky.
Other animals?
A cocksure, strutting rooster. ("Yeeah, they come to kill the rooster; He ain’t gonna diiiiieee!")
A snow leopard, because of your love of Winter and your inhuman tolerance for the cold.
Or a dangerous, grinning shark, for various reasons.

7. I may, as some have speculated, have "anger issues." I know what you’re thinking. "A rational guy like Rich, always so calm. No! He seems like he’s always got it together. He can’t have anger issues." I’m not admitting anything, I’m just laying out one perspective.
Anyway, I have a bit of a temper. When someone gets me angry I feel a strong desire to hurt them physically. Luckily, I get my angriest over the web, so my only form of retaliation is some delightfully good-natured quips and jibes. However, when people rile me sufficiently, I want nothing more than to inflict a bit a the ol’ ultra violence upon their persons.
When Tony said I was either an idiot or a jerk over the Pawel fiasco, you will recall that I threatened to beat him to a pulp. I wouldn’t really have done that. Maybe just one punch to the mouth. But I had a desire to all the same.
Well, what I’m getting at is, no one makes me feel that violent impulse more fiercely or more frequently than you, Steve. So, what I have always wondered about you is, what would happen if, Heaven forbid, I got angry enough to take a swing at you some day? Would you look at me surprised and hurt? Would you swing back? Would you laugh? Would you run away? Would you call the cops and press charges against me? (This last one has always been a fear of mine, and is a contributing factor to my having not hit you already.)

The other thing I’ve wondered about you is, what are you like when you’ve been seriously moved? And, more importantly, what moves you? I have seen some friends lose their cool and flare up in a startling temper or sob uncontrollably. With other friends, I can infer enough, based on their common attitudes and quirks, what it would probably look like when they become emotional. But with you, Steve, I have only seen two reactions that deviate from your constant calm. One is your annoying no-nonsense approach, which I’m guessing you adopted from one of your parents. You know the one where everything stops being funny to you and you seem like you're trying very hard to hold onto what little patience you have left. You generally give orders to people when this happens. It’s kinda like all along you’ve been barely holding in your feelings of superiority and then, snap, you say, "All right, I’m dealing with a bunch of toddlers who need serious direction." And you show how you really see us. The other reaction is the somewhat scary increased indifference. It’s subtle, but to the trained eye it indicates that trouble is a’brewin’. This is usually when you cause the most emotional pain in others, and subsequently burn the most bridges.
So, I have always wondered, what would you look like when you’re either furious or crestfallen?

8. Hanky Code? Gold, apricot, dark pink or purple, tan and leopard print. I suggest all of you look these up, they’re funny.

9. Steve, like Amy, is another of those people who must be handled alone. Putting you, Steve, in with a crowd of people is like mixing vinegar and baking soda. However, whereas Amy draws attention mostly unintentionally, you are ravenous for it. Next to Andrew, no one is more of an attention whore than you. There is nothing you won’t do to be the center of the party.
Thus, my ideal day with you would start bright and early, at the crack of noon. You’d show up unexpected at my house, and, after some time showing each other online jokes that neither of us would really appreciate, and checking blogs, we’d head out.
Lunch . . . somewhere. It matters not.
Then we’d drive around bothering mutual friends. Never for too long, though, and it’d have to be one friend at a time.
After this we’d sneak into a film at West Springfield Cinemas. We wouldn’t like it.
Then we’d speed away to The Mind for a few games of chess and a long talk. Over Irish cream mochas we’d discuss films and music and literature and people we think are idiots and posers. We’d zip-fire fast exchange Anchorman and Scrubs lines and do impressions of Will Ferrell doing impressions of people.
We’d talk about relationships. How I want stability and you want another warm body to bang for a few weeks.
Then, after some random vandalizing and littering in the parking lot, a few parting words, and an almost-too-firm handshake, we’d go our separate ways.
Correction: Steve is no good in crowds unless they're crowds of people we have mutual dislike for. If I had to be in with a bunch of jerks, there's no one I'd rather be with than you, Steve. And, despite the fact that I was in one with Dan, and both Brendan and Andrew have expressed interest in being in one with me, I've always wanted to be fighting alongside you in a brawl of some sort. Maybe it's the smoking, or the reckless driving, or the occasional "no-nonsense attitude. Whatever it is, I bet you'd be good in a fight.
(That's also probably the reason that, every so often, I want so badly to fight you. I imagine it'd be decent give and take.)

10. Villainous character actor? Michael Wincott.
You match up in many respects to the chain-smoking, guitar-playing, gravelly voiced badass who kicked the crap out of Eric Draven while spewing raspy joking threats. Plus, you’re the same height and you both did Python skits in high school.
Ideal role? Hmm . . . as the unhinged leader of a biker gang terrorizing a city.




Sorry if it was too harsh, but he asked for it. Literally.
And sorry if it was uneven, but if it was, it's fitting.



That’s all I got for now. You stay classy, Blogosphere.


Current Mood: Anxious
Current Music: Bruce Hornsby, featuring Elton John, Dreamland