Part 3
Richard vs. Silas
The Cap'n Defects
A Brief History of Umbrella
Richard stepped up to the very same doorway Amy had stopped in front of twenty minutes ago. He clutched his laser pistol, took a deep breath, and stepped inside.
He gasped aloud at the sight before him.
Amy, stripped of her armor and combat suit, wearing nothing but bra and panties, was lying on her back on a broad, flat piece of machinery. In fact, she was tied to it. Silas was sitting on the machine beside her, running the blade of a small knife down her smooth stomach.
“Silas stop!” Richard yelled, pointing his laser pistol at the maniac’s chest.
Silas merely grinned.
“My, my. Amy, we just can’t seem to get any privacy.”
“Let her go, Silas!” Richard growled.
“Oh, spare me the heroics, Richard,” said Silas. “I know you too well.”
“What do you mean?”
“You know exactly what I mean. You can stand there acting the dashing and chivalrous knight, but you’re just as deranged as me.”
“I’m nothing like you, you bastard!”
Silas laughed, a light, merry sound. “You’d be surprised.”
Richard started forward, his eyes blazing, his jaw tight.
Silas moved the knife to Amy’s throat and applied just enough pressure to the soft flesh to draw a drop of blood.
“Stop right there, hero. Drop your weapon and hear me out.”
Richard stopped in his tracks, let his laser pistol fall to the ground, but his eyes still glinted with a barely restrained fury.
Silas smiled, and relaxed slightly, but kept the blade at Amy’s neck.
“Good boy.” He paused, seemed to collect his thoughts, and then began.
“I’ve read your blog. I’ve read your file. I know all about you. All your ins and outs, so to speak. I know what you’re thinking right now. You don’t want to save Amy. No. You just want her. Deny it, if you can. From the moment when you first saw her you’ve desired her more than anything else. I can see it in your eyes now. Step forward, take advantage of her vulnerability.”
Richard stood his ground.
Silas lost his temper.
“Hypocrite! You, with all your fetishes and perversions. Don’t act noble now!”
Richard still wouldn’t move.
“C’mon. Indulge in those fetishes.”
He moved slowly, smoothly, from near Amy’s neck to down by her bare feet.
“Look, I’ll get her warmed up for you.”
He slid his tongue out and gently licked her toes. Amy squirmed.
“Damnit, Silas! Stop this!” Richard yelled.
Silas lost his temper again.
“I’ll make you do it!” He tickled her big toe with the tip of his blade. “Maybe I'll just start chopping these beautiful toes off, one . . . by . . . one, until you give in.”
Richard could take it no longer. He’d have to outwit Silas.
“Listen, Blake. You don’t want Amy. Enticing as she is, you know whom you really want. Me.”
Blake looked up.
“I see the way you look at me. You don’t care about anybody else. Let the girl go, Silas.”
Blake stood up.
“I don’t need the girl,” he whispered. He locked eyes with Richard. “I don’t need the girl!” Yelling this time.
He advanced on Richard, holding his knife.
“You don’t need the knife to beat me. You want to fight me face to face, hand to hand.”
Silas’ face twisted in strange near-orgasmic contortions.
“I don’t need the knife, Rich. I don’t need the knife!”
He threw the knife across the room.
“Now,” said Richard, “Let’s settle this!”
Silas started forward, but stopped.
“Ah, but how?”
“Well, you bested Tony in swordsmanship, Andrew in racing, Steve in pyromania, and Amy in seduction. Unless you can compose a short story in 15 minutes we’ve got no common ground. I don’t have any practical or applicable talents.”
Silas rolled up the sleeve of his combat suit.
“Wanna arm wrestle?”
Richard couldn’t help smiling. Silas was fit, to be sure, but as far as brute strength was concerned he couldn’t see the contest being very even.
“Sure.”
They positioned themselves on either side of another flat piece of machinery, like the one Amy was currently strapped to. They gripped hands tightly, fiercely. Silas nodded.
“Begin.”
From the start, Richard was amazed at how deceptive Silas’ thin frame was. He managed to match Richard in strength, seemingly without effort. Minutes past and neither opponent gave an inch. Sweat began to bead on their brows. Then, through gritted teeth, Silas spoke.
“You know, I was watching a Victoria’s Secret commercial a little while ago, and I was just about aroused enough to begin masturbating when who pops up but Bob Dylan.”
Richard lost his concentration for a moment and Silas gained a few inches. What the hell was this maniac doing?
Silas continued.
“You can imagine how that ruined my experience. I mean, what were the advertisers thinking? Whenever I think hot women in lingerie, I think aging folk singer.”
Richard lost a few more inches as he chuckled. He realized what Silas was doing: He was telling jokes.
“What is more, Bob Dylan didn’t even look like a folk singer. He looked like a cartoon villain. He was dressed in a flowery, dark suit, he had a devil beard, and he just spent the ad glowering at the models. I expected him to tie one of them to some train tracks and start laughing maniacally.”
Richard laughed again. He couldn’t continue like this.
He could, however, joke right back at him.
“I was thinking to myself, a little while ago, how would it be possible to make baseball more interesting. I got a few ideas which fizzled out, but then I hit on it: A monkey gun!”
Silas chuckled, and Richard regained some inches.
“I don’t mean a gun that shoots monkeys, no, that’s no fun. I mean a gun that fires monkeys out of itself. A monkey-launcher.”
Silas let out a loud, full guffaw, and the hands went back to being even.
“Oh no, I’m gonna miss that ball. Monkey go!”
Silas laughed again, and Richard pushed the villain’s hand down, almost all the way to the surface of the machine they were competing on.
For what seemed like hours, the two boys traded jokes, hands gripping each other so tightly that the knuckles became white. Their stomachs were in fiery agony from the combined effort of holding back laughter and holding back each other’s powerful levering.
Finally, Silas found Rich’s weakness.
“So, I used to roof summers. I gotta say, the characters you meet roofing are like no others. Always full of stories about their wives, ex-wives, illegitimate children, parole officers, drug dealers . . .”
Richard almost lost it at this point. Silas was telling his jokes!
“They’re not too bright, though. They smoked a lot of pot . . . on the roof.”
Richard couldn’t help himself. He began to laugh. As Silas continued the jokes Richard himself had written, Richard’s grip loosened, his hand slipped. Finally his wrist and knuckles slammed down onto the machine. Without wasting a moment, Silas struck him in the face, sending him tumbling onto the floor. Richard massaged his wrist and stared up at Silas.
“How did you . . . ?”
“I won because I knew your weakness. You laugh the most at your own material, you conceited fool.” He strode over to Amy and began to trace her body with his fingertips. “Now, back to the task at hand.”
Richard feared the worst, when suddenly Steve, Tony, and Andrew rushed into the room, laser rifles aimed and ready. Silas froze. Tony ran forward and helped Richard up.
Silas’ hand was quick to move to Amy’s throat. He tightened his grip around her soft neck.
“Richard, you should know better.” Silas sighed. “We can go on in this hostage-bargain pattern for hours. You and your friends can’t beat me. You’ve tried. Now, discard those blasted laser guns, and kick them over here.The heroes did as Silas ordered, and the villain stooped to pick up one of the rifles. He turned from Amy and aimed the weapon at Richard and his friends.
“Well,” he said, “that was your first mistake. Now I wonder which of you I should kill first . . .”
Richard had to think fast. Silas would kill them all if he couldn’t figure out a way to trick him. Suddenly, he was struck by an idea.
“Silas, no. Don’t kill us yet. Pretty please. Not when there’s so much more you could do to us.”
He had peaked Silas’ interested. Blake lowered the laser rifle and cocked an eyebrow.
“Oh? Care to elaborate?”
Richard spoke to his friends out of the side of his mouth while continuing to smile at Silas.
“Blake is a darker version of myself, in many ways. He has many of the same desires, but none of my control. We can use that. Just follow my lead.”
Richard stepped forward and began to remove his armor. He then pulled off his shirt. Silas gaped.
“It’s not hard to guess where I’m going, Silas. Think about it, four attractive teenage boys, undressing and at your mercy.”
He glanced behind him at his friends, shuffling their feet and looking confused. He gave them a meaningful look.
Steve was the first to play along. With a muttered “What the hell?” he dropped his pants and stood next to Richard. Tony and Andrew relented as well, and began to undress.
Silas smiled like an eager child as he gazed at the four almost-nude boys in front of him. He relaxed the laser rifle and started toward them.He reached Richard and stopped.
“Wait. You’ve fooled me before, why should I believe you now?”
Richard could think of nothing to say.
“In fact, perhaps it would be smarter to simply kill you all.”
Richard gulped.
“Unless you can prove you’re serious . . .”
Richard had no idea what to do. Silas was raising the rifle, about to kill him and his friends. He had to do something. No more thinking, just action. Without even realizing what he was doing, he leaned forward in a rush and kissed Silas full on the mouth. Blake’s eyes widened in shock, then closed in ecstasy. The rifle slipped from his grasp.
Behind them, Tony, Andrew, and Steve stood in their boxers in slack-jawed amazement. For what seemed an unnecessarily long time, Richard and Silas stood locked together. Finally they released. Silas smiled and said breathlessly, “You are a good kisser. So, what shall we do now?” He looked expectantly back and forth.
“Well I can think of one thing.” Richard said. He cocked back his fist and slammed Silas directly in the nose. The villain toppled backward onto the floor, unconscious.
Tony and Andrew grabbed their laser rifles and guarded Silas. Richard and Steve went over to untie Amy. In a trice they had her unbound and up, nursing her swollen wrists. They were all still stripped down to the undergarments.
Amy looked around at her four rescuers.
“We’re all in our underwear,” she observed brightly. “So . . . what shall we do now?”
“Careful, Amy,” Steve warned. “Rich has a habit of punching anyone who say that.”
The friends all dressed in silence. It was an awkward moment. When they were fully clothed again, they all turned to Silas. He had regained consciousness and was sitting sullenly on the floor.
Richard walked over to him, grabbed him by the collar, and lifted him off the ground. He brought his face close to Silas’ and without a word delivered a stunning head butt. Silas’ lip began to bleed freely. Richard dropped him again. He picked up his laser pistol and aimed it at the fiend’s head, point-blank range.
“You tried to kill me. You tried to kill me friends. We got lucky. If you’d have had your way we’d be dead right now. Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t kill you where you sit, and end this. Protect my friends and myself.”
Behind him his friends began to raise objections, to plead for him to not kill Blake.
“Don’t Rich.” Amy begged. “You said yourself, ‘no killing.’”
“Yeah, I’ll agree with Amy,” said Steve. “Keep your principles.”
“You’re a Catholic, Rich. Think of your beliefs, of the teachings of Jesus.” Andrew reasoned.
“Kill him,” said Tony.
“Tony!” yelled the other three in unison.
Richard smiled. He paid no heed to his friends’ words.
“Just one reason, Blake,” he said.
Blake slid to a stand against the beam behind him.
“Don’t you at least want to know my plan?” he asked.
“Your plan?” said Andrew. “You mean the plan of that giant head. So Rich tells us.”
Silas laughed bitterly.
“That old fool? If he were the one in charge the Umbrella Corporation would go bankrupt.”
“This doesn’t make any sense,” Amy was saying.
Richard scratched his chin thoughtfully.
“No, it makes perfect sense. That old man isn’t the power behind Umbrella. At least, not recently. That explains the changes in the Corporation. The sensible plan, the new efficient corporate ethic.” He looked at Silas. “You being placed in charge of NP Inc.”
Silas grinned.
“You’re catching on. For some time now I have been controlling that doddering old fool with a small brainwashing device. I am effectively the CEO. Of course, I couldn’t take over now. The ideology of the board of directors is still very much in tune with that of the old man. I need to prove that my ideology is better. Once this plan succeeds, and UC has control of the globe through those drugs, then the Doctor will have an unfortunate accident, and I will be the new CEO of the most powerful corporation on the planet. I don’t suppose any of you would like to join me?”
The five friends stared at Blake in silence. The sounds of the battle from outside became audible.
Silas sighed. “Didn’t think so. Well, now that you know my scheme, will you let me live?”
Richard smiled. “I’m afraid not, Silas. You’re too dangerous. You need to be killed.”
Silas smiled back. “Sorry, hero, but I know you won’t kill me.”
“Oh, really?” Richard stepped forward and shoved the barrel of his laser pistol into Silas’ mouth. “Still so sure about that, Silas? Huh? What have you got to say for yourself now?”
Andrew put his hand on Richard’s shoulder. “Rich, buddy, don’t do this. This has gone far enough.”
Richard spoke to Andrew over his shoulder, his eyes still locked on Silas’.
“Andrew, do you remember when you were flirting with Evelyn at the same time I was? When you let me do all the leg work and then stepped in and swept her off her feet, knowing full well that I wanted to date her?”
“Yes,” Andrew said quietly, hesitantly.
“Then you haven’t forgotten that little episode?”
“No.”
Richard turned around, pulling the gun out of Silas’ mouth.
“Good,” he said grimly, “neither have I.”
Without another word, he shot Andrew in the chest with his pistol at point blank range. The lanky crusader flew backward and crashed to the ground. His chest was smoking and from it issued the smell of burnt meat. The others gasped in horror.
Richard turned back around and faced Silas.
“Well, what have you got to say now?”
Silas broke down.
“Anything. I’ll give you anything you want,” he pleaded. “Please don’t kill me.”
“What could you possibly have to give me?”
Silas slowly reached into his combat belt and withdrew several documents.
“Here, it’s the ownership papers for Ninja Pirate Inc. The whole company. I don’t care, take it, please.” He withdrew a pen and signed the papers over to Richard. He looked up pleadingly.
Richard accepted the papers, smiled, and uncocked his laser pistol. He let Blake slide down to the floor, breathing deeply. Without a word he walked over to Andrew. Richard knelt down near his friend and gently rubbed his face.
“I’m sorry I had to do that,” he said.
Then, to the surprise of everyone in the room, he slapped him.
“Get up, you drama queen.”
Andrew stirred awake. He rubbed his chest. A sigh of relief issued from the three onlookers. Silas stared in disbelief.
“Oww. That hurt.” Once again he rolled up his spandex combat shirt, this time revealing a slightly abused bagel melt. He pulled the sandwich off his chest and observed it keenly.
“Hey, you heated up my ham, egg, and cheese sandwich. The cheese is melted perfectly. You burnt the ham, though.”
“Sorry, amigo,” said Richard, smiling, “but stun is the lowest setting on this ol’ blaster.”
Steve opened and closed his mouth silently several times before finally speaking. “Rich, what the hell just happened?”
“I love you guys,” said Rich. “So concerned for my soul. I was never going to kill this bastard,” he said, indicating Silas. “I just wanted to see how much he would give me if he was genuinely scared. I set the laser on stun, and I knew full well that Andrew had a sandwich under his shirt. What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t? It’s as simple as that.”
Amy looked stunned, as did Steve. Silas looked furious. Andrew bit into his sandwich. Tony laughed.
“Well done, Ricardo, well done!” He patted Richard on the back. “But the question still remains, what to do with Silas?”
Richard grinned. “Oh, I can think of a few things.”
What those things were was never revealed, for at that moment, Cap’n Adolph Lenin Huzuki-bot 3500 came charging through the doorway. It wasn’t quite big enough to accommodate him, so he broke off several girders and bits of brick on his way in.
In a flash, he disarmed the gathered heroes and helped Silas Blake to his feet. The Cap’n had an array of laser weaponry on is hulking metal body, and he targeted each of the friends with several guns.
“Well, done, Cap’n.” Silas said. “I may not trade you in for scrap metal after all.”
Silas then strode over to Richard.
“I’ve owe you a good deal, hero,” he said, smiling wickedly. Without another word he punched Richard in the face. Richard moved to hit back, but Silas held up a hand.
“No!” he yelled.
Richard stopped.
“So that’s how you do that,” Steve muttered to himself.
“Touch me and I have the Cap’n vaporize your little friends, one limb at a time.” Silas threatened. “You just stand there and take your punishment like a good boy. Now, where was I? Oh yeah. This is for trying to foil my plans.”
Silas spun gracefully and kicked Richard in the face.
“This is for causing me so much trouble.”
He punched him in the stomach.
“This is for hitting me after we kissed.”
A head-butt.
“That’s for hitting me when I was unarmed and unready.”
A punch to the face. Richard fell to the ground.
“This is for threatening to kill me.”
Silas kicked his enemy in the stomach as he lay on the floor.
Richard’s friends watched in helpless frustration as Silas rained blows upon their comrade, kicking him mercilessly as he rolled on the ground in pain.
“This is for making me sign over Ninja Pirate Inc.”
He grabbed Richard by his long hair smashed his face on the floor.
“This is for scaring me so badly.”
He kneed Richard in the groin.
Then, as Richard was doubled over in pain, he slapped him in the face.
“And that . . .” Silas paused for breath, exhausted from the beating he delivered, “that was for toying with by emotions.”
He stooped to pick up Richard’s dropped laser pistol. He forced it into Richard’s mouth.
“I owe you one last one. Don’t worry, it’s set to “stun,” so it probably won’t kill you. Sure, you’ll go through life a catatonic vegetable, but at least you’ll still have your health.” He smiled. “What have you got to say for yourself now?”
Richard looked at him through one half-shut eye. The other was swollen closed.
“Huh? What have you got to say---?”
Silas got no farther. Some unseen force had pulled him off of Richard and sent him flying across the room, where he crashed against the wall, and lay motionless.
Richard looked up at his savior. And up. And up. The creature that had come to his rescue had to be at least 10 feet tall, Richard thought.
Cap’n Adolph Lenin Huzuki-bot 3500 stooped and gently picked Richard up in his monstrous arms.
“Zair, zair, sonny. It’s all over now,” he said quietly.
He brought Richard over to his friends, but did not put him down.
Tony stepped forward.
“Thank you, so much, Cap’n. But why did you do it?”
“Garsh,” said the Cap’n. “I never wanted to hurt you kids. I’m part robot, comrades, an’ I were just forrowin’ me programmin’. On top a zat, I also be part Nazi, and part Communist, and part zombie. Zo evil kinder came natural, I guess. Just now, zough, I learlized what I was part of. The Breller Corporation an’ all. Too much evil. I decided to help yer out. Zeemed ze least I could do.”
“Well, thank you no matter what you’re reasons. You saved our friend. Hell, you saved all of us,” said Amy.
“Now, let’s get out of here,” said Steve.
“Sure thing,” said Tony. “Let’s not forget about Silas, though.”
They all looked over to the wall which Silas had smashed into.The maniac was gone.
Even the dim grey light of the day seemed dazzlingly bright as the five, no, now six, heroes emerged wearily from the generator room. They made their way back to the battlefield, slowly navigating the path around mountains of scrap metal and old machinery. When they finally reached the carnage left over from the epic fight, they were too tired to be shocked. They did all managed weary smiles, though.
The heroes had won.
The ground was strewn with the unconscious forms of nearly one hundred Umbrella Corporation soldiers. Also evident were the wreckage of two deathbots. The other two were mysteriously missing. The bodies of several of their friends, unconscious or wounded, lay near the row of cars. There had amazingly been no fatalities.
Dan caught sight of them first. His smile soon vanished as he saw the Cap’n hulking along behind them, still carrying Richard. He ran toward the small party, laser rifle aimed and ready.
“Look out, you guys!” he warned. “The enemy’s right behind you!”
Tony walked up to Dan.
“It’s cool. He’s on our side, now. Long story.”
And with that, they all made it back to the line of cars.
As the six heroes walked along (The Cap’n was still carrying Rich), Tony spoke with Dan.
“So what finally turned the tide of battle?”
“It was a matter of morale, I think,” Dan responded thoughtfully. “With two deathbots destroyed and the other two apparently vanished, the game got a good deal more even. Plus, the Cap’n here never actually fought. And Silas took off after lighting Steve on fire.”
Steve stared ruefully at his burned torso.
“Ah, my beautiful giant ab, it’s been hurt.”
Dan went on. “Then, the arrival of Tony’s dad and the other mobsters---”
“They’re legitimate businessmen,” interjected Tony.
“Be that as it may, when they showed up, and the underclassmen disobeyed my orders and joined the fray, that pretty much clinched the thing right there.”
“Jesus, we sure did a lot of damage,” breathed Amy, surveying the catastrophic scene.
“Yeah, it was one hell of a fracas, alright,” remarked Dan. “But miraculously enough, not one fatality.” He paused. “Of course, that leaves us with another huge problem. Namely, what to do with these guys.” Dan waved his hand over the battleground, indicating the five score Umbrella Corp soldiers lying unconscious in the mud and scrap metal. “I think it’s best not to get the police involved, so no jail. But we can’t leave them here, and we can’t very well kill them.”
The Cap’n stepped forward.
“I could help yer on zat one, comrade. Ninja Pirate Inc has its own small army of agents, and several large underground holding cells. I could call for a team to get here and----” he broke off.
“’Course, I’m probably fired by now. Silas is still in charge of NP Inc, and it’s still tied to Umbrella,” he said sadly.
“Actually, Cap’n,” said Rich groggily, “you’re wrong on that count.” He pulled the documents out of his pocket. “We own Ninja Pirate Incorporated, and its ties to Umbrella are officially severed.” He looked into the Cap’n’s big, brown eye. “So, how’d you like your old job back?”
The Cap’n beamed down at his one-time foe. “Awww. I’d love zat more’n all ze gold in Gibralter,” he said. “But if it’s all ze same ter you, me little comrade, I’d razzah be reinstated in an advisory position.”
“Whatever you want, Cap’n,” said Tony. “Though we’ll naturally have to delete your Nazi and Communist components.”
“Good riddance,” said the Cap’n. “I never liked those, anyway. You can get rid of zem now, if yer wish.” The Cap’n knelt down in facing away from the group, and a panel opened on his broad back. Steve and Tony reached in and removed several disks labeled “Nazi,” “Commie,” and “Evil.” Tony handed them to the Cap’n, who transferred Rich to one hand, and, with the other snapped the disks to pieces.
“Yarr. That feels much better. What a rerief.”
Tony reached into the panel again and punched several buttons on a small keypad located within. He did some creative re-wiring, closed the panel, and stood back.
“There. Now you’ll alternate between pirate and Japanese accents. It’ll be less confusing that way.”
The Cap’n nodded. Then he stood up and turned to Dan.
“Now, if yer’ll simply call one a yer mates over an’ instruct ‘im to round up them scurvy seabiscuits, I’ll call in a task force from NP Inc.”
Dan agreed and signaled for Caitlin to come over.
She had taken the football helmet off and let her brown hair down. It flowed gently in the wind. Her cheeks were still flushed from the excitement of battle and her eyes were bright. She had a small cut on her chin. Peering from behind the Cap’n’s bulky arms, Richard was stunned by how beautiful she looked.
Dan, it seemed, was also speechless from the glorious sight, but found words soon enough.
“Cait, would you please gather some people together and round up the UC troops?”
“Sure thing, Commander,” she said, giving Dan a smart salute.
“There should be plenty of rope in the Falcon to tie them up with,” Richard said.
She nodded and left.
Richard remarked to her back, “Maybe there’ll even be enough extra for you to tie me up.”
The Cap’n overheard this and chuckled.
“Yer’ll need to be a lil' smoover, me ‘earty, to win a beauty like that.”
Rich nodded and promptly passed out.
When he awoke, Caitlin was leading a large group of combined students and wise guys to gather together the enemy soldiers and tie them to each other in groups of five. Other students were tending to the injuries of their comrades, under the direction of Steve, and Mafioso doctor Louie “the Doc” Lapiozzo. Still other assorted groups of students were bustling about collecting weapons and armor off the field, and repairing cars. Richard was lying in a sleeping bag behind the shield wall, close to Dan, Tony, and the Captain, who were all in quiet discussion. He could make out what they were saying.
“You’ve been with Umbrella a while, Cap’n. Could you give us some information about it? I’d like to know what we’re going up against here.” Dan was asking.
The Cap’n leaned forward.
“Just how much do yer lads know?”
“Other than that they’re crazy as hell, a danger to one and all, and led by an insane old man, nothing.” Tony answered.
Their giant cyborg companion rubbed a metal hand across his brow.
“Well, then in that case, I figger it’s best if I begin at the beginnin’.”
“What’s the beginning?” Dan asked quickly.
“1835. That was the year that the Umbrella Corporation was founded, though it traces back much farver than that. The Umbrella Corporation really began in 1583, during the start of the Scientific Revolution.”
“That really is the beginning.” Dan muttered.
“That’s impossible.” Richard staggered out of his sleeping bag. “The first Corporation was The East Indies Company, founded in 1601.”
The group looked up.
“Ah,” the Cap’n said, “But that’s where yer wrong.” He smiled and carried on. “I’ll explain the whole thing, but first, lemme switch off me pirate voice modulator, so’s yer three can unnerstand what I be tellin’ yer.” The Cap’n entered a code series of numbers into a small keypad located on his wrist, and carried on in normal diction.
“In the year 1583, a monk was doing archaelogical studies in the Middle East. He unearthed a strange symbol in ruins outside of the Sumerian city of Ur. According to most accounts, it looked like this:" The Cap'n drew a symbol in the mud. When he leaned back allow the heroes to see, a gasp arose from all three of them. The symbol the Cap'n had drawn was the logo of the Umbrella Corporation. He continued.
"That monk returned to Europe, slaughtered the inhabitants of his monastery, and disappeared into the pages of history, never to be heard from again."
The heroes sat in shocked silence.
"The Umbrella Corporation was officially founded in Europe, in 1835, by a man named Dr. Thaddeus Trans, an infamous scientist who was, up until 1820, a teacher at Oxford. That year he left under a flurry of scandal. He had reportedly raped and killed several of his students in order to perform a series of almost ritualistic experiments. After being banned from the university, and shunned by all the prominent social circles in London, he retreated to a private island off the coast of Norway.”
“What was Trans a doctor of?” Dan asked.
“At Oxford, he was a professor of bio-chemistry, but he also had degrees in psychology and anthropology.”
“Impressive,” remarked Tony.
“During his self-imposed exile, he presumably continued the horrific experiments he had begun at Oxford. For fifteen years he remained on the island, conducting his biological research. Then, in 1835, he returned to Europe and founded the world’s first corporate entity, the Umbrella Corporation.”
“What did they sell?” asked Richard.
“Umbrellas,” answered the Cap’n. “Of course, the ones they sold were mostly all flammable, or insanely dangerous in some way. Some of them actually ate people. Now, I don’t know how they managed to create those monstrous devices at the time, but they did. And I don’t know how it happened, but the corporation thrived. For some unfathomable reason they became a leading power during the Industrial Revolution. They began to diversify. They branched off into textiles and machinery manufacturing. They also started to make weapons. The Umbrella Corporation was one of the primary suppliers of arms to both sides during both World Wars. By 1950, there was an Umbrella Corporation headquarters on every continent, in almost every country on the globe. Its success was incomprehensible. It was around this time, specifically 1952, when Ninja Pirate Incorporated was founded,” he smiled, “and I was built.”
The Cap’n paused and stared thoughtfully off into space for a moment.
“Somehow they were at the exactly right point for both the Atomic Age boom and the Information Age boom, and now own several of the world’s leading software companies. Close to twenty years ago, they began experimenting with reviving dead tissue. Ten years ago, industrial espionage resulted in disaster at their laboratories beneath Raccoon City. Five years after that, Raccoon City became flooded with the walking dead. And one year ago, you brave lads decided to try to take on the Umbrella Corporation. Next to a few impossibly beautiful super spies, you boys are the only enemies the Umbrella has had over their one hundred and seventy year history who have stayed alive long enough to cause them any serious trouble.”
Tony smiled appreciatively and thanked the Cap’n. The giant creature nodded and continued.
“I have long guessed that the success of the corporation is in some way tied to the experiments Trans began at Oxford and finished on his island, all those years ago. Unfortunately, no one has any knowledge of the experiments save Trans himself.”
Dan interrupted, “You mean no one had any knowledge, right? Trans died decades ago, I assume.”
The Cap’n looked grimly at Dan. “No, I used the proper tense. Dr. Thaddeus Trans, the maniac who founded the Umbrella Corporation one hundred and seventy years ago, is the same man who built me, fifty-five years ago, and is the same man whom Richard saw, one night ago.”
There was a moment of stunned silence.
“But that would mean he’d have to be at least two hundred years old!” exclaimed Dan.
“No one knows how old Trans actually is,” said the Cap’n, “except for Trans himself, of course.”
“This is unbelievable. This means we are dealing with a very dangerous force.” Tony said.
“Rich, what more can you tell us about what you saw last night?”
There was no answer.
“Rich?”
The three heroes looked over to Richard’s sleeping bag.
It was empty.
Richard vs. Silas
The Cap'n Defects
A Brief History of Umbrella
Richard stepped up to the very same doorway Amy had stopped in front of twenty minutes ago. He clutched his laser pistol, took a deep breath, and stepped inside.
He gasped aloud at the sight before him.
Amy, stripped of her armor and combat suit, wearing nothing but bra and panties, was lying on her back on a broad, flat piece of machinery. In fact, she was tied to it. Silas was sitting on the machine beside her, running the blade of a small knife down her smooth stomach.
“Silas stop!” Richard yelled, pointing his laser pistol at the maniac’s chest.
Silas merely grinned.
“My, my. Amy, we just can’t seem to get any privacy.”
“Let her go, Silas!” Richard growled.
“Oh, spare me the heroics, Richard,” said Silas. “I know you too well.”
“What do you mean?”
“You know exactly what I mean. You can stand there acting the dashing and chivalrous knight, but you’re just as deranged as me.”
“I’m nothing like you, you bastard!”
Silas laughed, a light, merry sound. “You’d be surprised.”
Richard started forward, his eyes blazing, his jaw tight.
Silas moved the knife to Amy’s throat and applied just enough pressure to the soft flesh to draw a drop of blood.
“Stop right there, hero. Drop your weapon and hear me out.”
Richard stopped in his tracks, let his laser pistol fall to the ground, but his eyes still glinted with a barely restrained fury.
Silas smiled, and relaxed slightly, but kept the blade at Amy’s neck.
“Good boy.” He paused, seemed to collect his thoughts, and then began.
“I’ve read your blog. I’ve read your file. I know all about you. All your ins and outs, so to speak. I know what you’re thinking right now. You don’t want to save Amy. No. You just want her. Deny it, if you can. From the moment when you first saw her you’ve desired her more than anything else. I can see it in your eyes now. Step forward, take advantage of her vulnerability.”
Richard stood his ground.
Silas lost his temper.
“Hypocrite! You, with all your fetishes and perversions. Don’t act noble now!”
Richard still wouldn’t move.
“C’mon. Indulge in those fetishes.”
He moved slowly, smoothly, from near Amy’s neck to down by her bare feet.
“Look, I’ll get her warmed up for you.”
He slid his tongue out and gently licked her toes. Amy squirmed.
“Damnit, Silas! Stop this!” Richard yelled.
Silas lost his temper again.
“I’ll make you do it!” He tickled her big toe with the tip of his blade. “Maybe I'll just start chopping these beautiful toes off, one . . . by . . . one, until you give in.”
Richard could take it no longer. He’d have to outwit Silas.
“Listen, Blake. You don’t want Amy. Enticing as she is, you know whom you really want. Me.”
Blake looked up.
“I see the way you look at me. You don’t care about anybody else. Let the girl go, Silas.”
Blake stood up.
“I don’t need the girl,” he whispered. He locked eyes with Richard. “I don’t need the girl!” Yelling this time.
He advanced on Richard, holding his knife.
“You don’t need the knife to beat me. You want to fight me face to face, hand to hand.”
Silas’ face twisted in strange near-orgasmic contortions.
“I don’t need the knife, Rich. I don’t need the knife!”
He threw the knife across the room.
“Now,” said Richard, “Let’s settle this!”
Silas started forward, but stopped.
“Ah, but how?”
“Well, you bested Tony in swordsmanship, Andrew in racing, Steve in pyromania, and Amy in seduction. Unless you can compose a short story in 15 minutes we’ve got no common ground. I don’t have any practical or applicable talents.”
Silas rolled up the sleeve of his combat suit.
“Wanna arm wrestle?”
Richard couldn’t help smiling. Silas was fit, to be sure, but as far as brute strength was concerned he couldn’t see the contest being very even.
“Sure.”
They positioned themselves on either side of another flat piece of machinery, like the one Amy was currently strapped to. They gripped hands tightly, fiercely. Silas nodded.
“Begin.”
From the start, Richard was amazed at how deceptive Silas’ thin frame was. He managed to match Richard in strength, seemingly without effort. Minutes past and neither opponent gave an inch. Sweat began to bead on their brows. Then, through gritted teeth, Silas spoke.
“You know, I was watching a Victoria’s Secret commercial a little while ago, and I was just about aroused enough to begin masturbating when who pops up but Bob Dylan.”
Richard lost his concentration for a moment and Silas gained a few inches. What the hell was this maniac doing?
Silas continued.
“You can imagine how that ruined my experience. I mean, what were the advertisers thinking? Whenever I think hot women in lingerie, I think aging folk singer.”
Richard lost a few more inches as he chuckled. He realized what Silas was doing: He was telling jokes.
“What is more, Bob Dylan didn’t even look like a folk singer. He looked like a cartoon villain. He was dressed in a flowery, dark suit, he had a devil beard, and he just spent the ad glowering at the models. I expected him to tie one of them to some train tracks and start laughing maniacally.”
Richard laughed again. He couldn’t continue like this.
He could, however, joke right back at him.
“I was thinking to myself, a little while ago, how would it be possible to make baseball more interesting. I got a few ideas which fizzled out, but then I hit on it: A monkey gun!”
Silas chuckled, and Richard regained some inches.
“I don’t mean a gun that shoots monkeys, no, that’s no fun. I mean a gun that fires monkeys out of itself. A monkey-launcher.”
Silas let out a loud, full guffaw, and the hands went back to being even.
“Oh no, I’m gonna miss that ball. Monkey go!”
Silas laughed again, and Richard pushed the villain’s hand down, almost all the way to the surface of the machine they were competing on.
For what seemed like hours, the two boys traded jokes, hands gripping each other so tightly that the knuckles became white. Their stomachs were in fiery agony from the combined effort of holding back laughter and holding back each other’s powerful levering.
Finally, Silas found Rich’s weakness.
“So, I used to roof summers. I gotta say, the characters you meet roofing are like no others. Always full of stories about their wives, ex-wives, illegitimate children, parole officers, drug dealers . . .”
Richard almost lost it at this point. Silas was telling his jokes!
“They’re not too bright, though. They smoked a lot of pot . . . on the roof.”
Richard couldn’t help himself. He began to laugh. As Silas continued the jokes Richard himself had written, Richard’s grip loosened, his hand slipped. Finally his wrist and knuckles slammed down onto the machine. Without wasting a moment, Silas struck him in the face, sending him tumbling onto the floor. Richard massaged his wrist and stared up at Silas.
“How did you . . . ?”
“I won because I knew your weakness. You laugh the most at your own material, you conceited fool.” He strode over to Amy and began to trace her body with his fingertips. “Now, back to the task at hand.”
Richard feared the worst, when suddenly Steve, Tony, and Andrew rushed into the room, laser rifles aimed and ready. Silas froze. Tony ran forward and helped Richard up.
Silas’ hand was quick to move to Amy’s throat. He tightened his grip around her soft neck.
“Richard, you should know better.” Silas sighed. “We can go on in this hostage-bargain pattern for hours. You and your friends can’t beat me. You’ve tried. Now, discard those blasted laser guns, and kick them over here.The heroes did as Silas ordered, and the villain stooped to pick up one of the rifles. He turned from Amy and aimed the weapon at Richard and his friends.
“Well,” he said, “that was your first mistake. Now I wonder which of you I should kill first . . .”
Richard had to think fast. Silas would kill them all if he couldn’t figure out a way to trick him. Suddenly, he was struck by an idea.
“Silas, no. Don’t kill us yet. Pretty please. Not when there’s so much more you could do to us.”
He had peaked Silas’ interested. Blake lowered the laser rifle and cocked an eyebrow.
“Oh? Care to elaborate?”
Richard spoke to his friends out of the side of his mouth while continuing to smile at Silas.
“Blake is a darker version of myself, in many ways. He has many of the same desires, but none of my control. We can use that. Just follow my lead.”
Richard stepped forward and began to remove his armor. He then pulled off his shirt. Silas gaped.
“It’s not hard to guess where I’m going, Silas. Think about it, four attractive teenage boys, undressing and at your mercy.”
He glanced behind him at his friends, shuffling their feet and looking confused. He gave them a meaningful look.
Steve was the first to play along. With a muttered “What the hell?” he dropped his pants and stood next to Richard. Tony and Andrew relented as well, and began to undress.
Silas smiled like an eager child as he gazed at the four almost-nude boys in front of him. He relaxed the laser rifle and started toward them.He reached Richard and stopped.
“Wait. You’ve fooled me before, why should I believe you now?”
Richard could think of nothing to say.
“In fact, perhaps it would be smarter to simply kill you all.”
Richard gulped.
“Unless you can prove you’re serious . . .”
Richard had no idea what to do. Silas was raising the rifle, about to kill him and his friends. He had to do something. No more thinking, just action. Without even realizing what he was doing, he leaned forward in a rush and kissed Silas full on the mouth. Blake’s eyes widened in shock, then closed in ecstasy. The rifle slipped from his grasp.
Behind them, Tony, Andrew, and Steve stood in their boxers in slack-jawed amazement. For what seemed an unnecessarily long time, Richard and Silas stood locked together. Finally they released. Silas smiled and said breathlessly, “You are a good kisser. So, what shall we do now?” He looked expectantly back and forth.
“Well I can think of one thing.” Richard said. He cocked back his fist and slammed Silas directly in the nose. The villain toppled backward onto the floor, unconscious.
Tony and Andrew grabbed their laser rifles and guarded Silas. Richard and Steve went over to untie Amy. In a trice they had her unbound and up, nursing her swollen wrists. They were all still stripped down to the undergarments.
Amy looked around at her four rescuers.
“We’re all in our underwear,” she observed brightly. “So . . . what shall we do now?”
“Careful, Amy,” Steve warned. “Rich has a habit of punching anyone who say that.”
The friends all dressed in silence. It was an awkward moment. When they were fully clothed again, they all turned to Silas. He had regained consciousness and was sitting sullenly on the floor.
Richard walked over to him, grabbed him by the collar, and lifted him off the ground. He brought his face close to Silas’ and without a word delivered a stunning head butt. Silas’ lip began to bleed freely. Richard dropped him again. He picked up his laser pistol and aimed it at the fiend’s head, point-blank range.
“You tried to kill me. You tried to kill me friends. We got lucky. If you’d have had your way we’d be dead right now. Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t kill you where you sit, and end this. Protect my friends and myself.”
Behind him his friends began to raise objections, to plead for him to not kill Blake.
“Don’t Rich.” Amy begged. “You said yourself, ‘no killing.’”
“Yeah, I’ll agree with Amy,” said Steve. “Keep your principles.”
“You’re a Catholic, Rich. Think of your beliefs, of the teachings of Jesus.” Andrew reasoned.
“Kill him,” said Tony.
“Tony!” yelled the other three in unison.
Richard smiled. He paid no heed to his friends’ words.
“Just one reason, Blake,” he said.
Blake slid to a stand against the beam behind him.
“Don’t you at least want to know my plan?” he asked.
“Your plan?” said Andrew. “You mean the plan of that giant head. So Rich tells us.”
Silas laughed bitterly.
“That old fool? If he were the one in charge the Umbrella Corporation would go bankrupt.”
“This doesn’t make any sense,” Amy was saying.
Richard scratched his chin thoughtfully.
“No, it makes perfect sense. That old man isn’t the power behind Umbrella. At least, not recently. That explains the changes in the Corporation. The sensible plan, the new efficient corporate ethic.” He looked at Silas. “You being placed in charge of NP Inc.”
Silas grinned.
“You’re catching on. For some time now I have been controlling that doddering old fool with a small brainwashing device. I am effectively the CEO. Of course, I couldn’t take over now. The ideology of the board of directors is still very much in tune with that of the old man. I need to prove that my ideology is better. Once this plan succeeds, and UC has control of the globe through those drugs, then the Doctor will have an unfortunate accident, and I will be the new CEO of the most powerful corporation on the planet. I don’t suppose any of you would like to join me?”
The five friends stared at Blake in silence. The sounds of the battle from outside became audible.
Silas sighed. “Didn’t think so. Well, now that you know my scheme, will you let me live?”
Richard smiled. “I’m afraid not, Silas. You’re too dangerous. You need to be killed.”
Silas smiled back. “Sorry, hero, but I know you won’t kill me.”
“Oh, really?” Richard stepped forward and shoved the barrel of his laser pistol into Silas’ mouth. “Still so sure about that, Silas? Huh? What have you got to say for yourself now?”
Andrew put his hand on Richard’s shoulder. “Rich, buddy, don’t do this. This has gone far enough.”
Richard spoke to Andrew over his shoulder, his eyes still locked on Silas’.
“Andrew, do you remember when you were flirting with Evelyn at the same time I was? When you let me do all the leg work and then stepped in and swept her off her feet, knowing full well that I wanted to date her?”
“Yes,” Andrew said quietly, hesitantly.
“Then you haven’t forgotten that little episode?”
“No.”
Richard turned around, pulling the gun out of Silas’ mouth.
“Good,” he said grimly, “neither have I.”
Without another word, he shot Andrew in the chest with his pistol at point blank range. The lanky crusader flew backward and crashed to the ground. His chest was smoking and from it issued the smell of burnt meat. The others gasped in horror.
Richard turned back around and faced Silas.
“Well, what have you got to say now?”
Silas broke down.
“Anything. I’ll give you anything you want,” he pleaded. “Please don’t kill me.”
“What could you possibly have to give me?”
Silas slowly reached into his combat belt and withdrew several documents.
“Here, it’s the ownership papers for Ninja Pirate Inc. The whole company. I don’t care, take it, please.” He withdrew a pen and signed the papers over to Richard. He looked up pleadingly.
Richard accepted the papers, smiled, and uncocked his laser pistol. He let Blake slide down to the floor, breathing deeply. Without a word he walked over to Andrew. Richard knelt down near his friend and gently rubbed his face.
“I’m sorry I had to do that,” he said.
Then, to the surprise of everyone in the room, he slapped him.
“Get up, you drama queen.”
Andrew stirred awake. He rubbed his chest. A sigh of relief issued from the three onlookers. Silas stared in disbelief.
“Oww. That hurt.” Once again he rolled up his spandex combat shirt, this time revealing a slightly abused bagel melt. He pulled the sandwich off his chest and observed it keenly.
“Hey, you heated up my ham, egg, and cheese sandwich. The cheese is melted perfectly. You burnt the ham, though.”
“Sorry, amigo,” said Richard, smiling, “but stun is the lowest setting on this ol’ blaster.”
Steve opened and closed his mouth silently several times before finally speaking. “Rich, what the hell just happened?”
“I love you guys,” said Rich. “So concerned for my soul. I was never going to kill this bastard,” he said, indicating Silas. “I just wanted to see how much he would give me if he was genuinely scared. I set the laser on stun, and I knew full well that Andrew had a sandwich under his shirt. What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t? It’s as simple as that.”
Amy looked stunned, as did Steve. Silas looked furious. Andrew bit into his sandwich. Tony laughed.
“Well done, Ricardo, well done!” He patted Richard on the back. “But the question still remains, what to do with Silas?”
Richard grinned. “Oh, I can think of a few things.”
What those things were was never revealed, for at that moment, Cap’n Adolph Lenin Huzuki-bot 3500 came charging through the doorway. It wasn’t quite big enough to accommodate him, so he broke off several girders and bits of brick on his way in.
In a flash, he disarmed the gathered heroes and helped Silas Blake to his feet. The Cap’n had an array of laser weaponry on is hulking metal body, and he targeted each of the friends with several guns.
“Well, done, Cap’n.” Silas said. “I may not trade you in for scrap metal after all.”
Silas then strode over to Richard.
“I’ve owe you a good deal, hero,” he said, smiling wickedly. Without another word he punched Richard in the face. Richard moved to hit back, but Silas held up a hand.
“No!” he yelled.
Richard stopped.
“So that’s how you do that,” Steve muttered to himself.
“Touch me and I have the Cap’n vaporize your little friends, one limb at a time.” Silas threatened. “You just stand there and take your punishment like a good boy. Now, where was I? Oh yeah. This is for trying to foil my plans.”
Silas spun gracefully and kicked Richard in the face.
“This is for causing me so much trouble.”
He punched him in the stomach.
“This is for hitting me after we kissed.”
A head-butt.
“That’s for hitting me when I was unarmed and unready.”
A punch to the face. Richard fell to the ground.
“This is for threatening to kill me.”
Silas kicked his enemy in the stomach as he lay on the floor.
Richard’s friends watched in helpless frustration as Silas rained blows upon their comrade, kicking him mercilessly as he rolled on the ground in pain.
“This is for making me sign over Ninja Pirate Inc.”
He grabbed Richard by his long hair smashed his face on the floor.
“This is for scaring me so badly.”
He kneed Richard in the groin.
Then, as Richard was doubled over in pain, he slapped him in the face.
“And that . . .” Silas paused for breath, exhausted from the beating he delivered, “that was for toying with by emotions.”
He stooped to pick up Richard’s dropped laser pistol. He forced it into Richard’s mouth.
“I owe you one last one. Don’t worry, it’s set to “stun,” so it probably won’t kill you. Sure, you’ll go through life a catatonic vegetable, but at least you’ll still have your health.” He smiled. “What have you got to say for yourself now?”
Richard looked at him through one half-shut eye. The other was swollen closed.
“Huh? What have you got to say---?”
Silas got no farther. Some unseen force had pulled him off of Richard and sent him flying across the room, where he crashed against the wall, and lay motionless.
Richard looked up at his savior. And up. And up. The creature that had come to his rescue had to be at least 10 feet tall, Richard thought.
Cap’n Adolph Lenin Huzuki-bot 3500 stooped and gently picked Richard up in his monstrous arms.
“Zair, zair, sonny. It’s all over now,” he said quietly.
He brought Richard over to his friends, but did not put him down.
Tony stepped forward.
“Thank you, so much, Cap’n. But why did you do it?”
“Garsh,” said the Cap’n. “I never wanted to hurt you kids. I’m part robot, comrades, an’ I were just forrowin’ me programmin’. On top a zat, I also be part Nazi, and part Communist, and part zombie. Zo evil kinder came natural, I guess. Just now, zough, I learlized what I was part of. The Breller Corporation an’ all. Too much evil. I decided to help yer out. Zeemed ze least I could do.”
“Well, thank you no matter what you’re reasons. You saved our friend. Hell, you saved all of us,” said Amy.
“Now, let’s get out of here,” said Steve.
“Sure thing,” said Tony. “Let’s not forget about Silas, though.”
They all looked over to the wall which Silas had smashed into.The maniac was gone.
Even the dim grey light of the day seemed dazzlingly bright as the five, no, now six, heroes emerged wearily from the generator room. They made their way back to the battlefield, slowly navigating the path around mountains of scrap metal and old machinery. When they finally reached the carnage left over from the epic fight, they were too tired to be shocked. They did all managed weary smiles, though.
The heroes had won.
The ground was strewn with the unconscious forms of nearly one hundred Umbrella Corporation soldiers. Also evident were the wreckage of two deathbots. The other two were mysteriously missing. The bodies of several of their friends, unconscious or wounded, lay near the row of cars. There had amazingly been no fatalities.
Dan caught sight of them first. His smile soon vanished as he saw the Cap’n hulking along behind them, still carrying Richard. He ran toward the small party, laser rifle aimed and ready.
“Look out, you guys!” he warned. “The enemy’s right behind you!”
Tony walked up to Dan.
“It’s cool. He’s on our side, now. Long story.”
And with that, they all made it back to the line of cars.
As the six heroes walked along (The Cap’n was still carrying Rich), Tony spoke with Dan.
“So what finally turned the tide of battle?”
“It was a matter of morale, I think,” Dan responded thoughtfully. “With two deathbots destroyed and the other two apparently vanished, the game got a good deal more even. Plus, the Cap’n here never actually fought. And Silas took off after lighting Steve on fire.”
Steve stared ruefully at his burned torso.
“Ah, my beautiful giant ab, it’s been hurt.”
Dan went on. “Then, the arrival of Tony’s dad and the other mobsters---”
“They’re legitimate businessmen,” interjected Tony.
“Be that as it may, when they showed up, and the underclassmen disobeyed my orders and joined the fray, that pretty much clinched the thing right there.”
“Jesus, we sure did a lot of damage,” breathed Amy, surveying the catastrophic scene.
“Yeah, it was one hell of a fracas, alright,” remarked Dan. “But miraculously enough, not one fatality.” He paused. “Of course, that leaves us with another huge problem. Namely, what to do with these guys.” Dan waved his hand over the battleground, indicating the five score Umbrella Corp soldiers lying unconscious in the mud and scrap metal. “I think it’s best not to get the police involved, so no jail. But we can’t leave them here, and we can’t very well kill them.”
The Cap’n stepped forward.
“I could help yer on zat one, comrade. Ninja Pirate Inc has its own small army of agents, and several large underground holding cells. I could call for a team to get here and----” he broke off.
“’Course, I’m probably fired by now. Silas is still in charge of NP Inc, and it’s still tied to Umbrella,” he said sadly.
“Actually, Cap’n,” said Rich groggily, “you’re wrong on that count.” He pulled the documents out of his pocket. “We own Ninja Pirate Incorporated, and its ties to Umbrella are officially severed.” He looked into the Cap’n’s big, brown eye. “So, how’d you like your old job back?”
The Cap’n beamed down at his one-time foe. “Awww. I’d love zat more’n all ze gold in Gibralter,” he said. “But if it’s all ze same ter you, me little comrade, I’d razzah be reinstated in an advisory position.”
“Whatever you want, Cap’n,” said Tony. “Though we’ll naturally have to delete your Nazi and Communist components.”
“Good riddance,” said the Cap’n. “I never liked those, anyway. You can get rid of zem now, if yer wish.” The Cap’n knelt down in facing away from the group, and a panel opened on his broad back. Steve and Tony reached in and removed several disks labeled “Nazi,” “Commie,” and “Evil.” Tony handed them to the Cap’n, who transferred Rich to one hand, and, with the other snapped the disks to pieces.
“Yarr. That feels much better. What a rerief.”
Tony reached into the panel again and punched several buttons on a small keypad located within. He did some creative re-wiring, closed the panel, and stood back.
“There. Now you’ll alternate between pirate and Japanese accents. It’ll be less confusing that way.”
The Cap’n nodded. Then he stood up and turned to Dan.
“Now, if yer’ll simply call one a yer mates over an’ instruct ‘im to round up them scurvy seabiscuits, I’ll call in a task force from NP Inc.”
Dan agreed and signaled for Caitlin to come over.
She had taken the football helmet off and let her brown hair down. It flowed gently in the wind. Her cheeks were still flushed from the excitement of battle and her eyes were bright. She had a small cut on her chin. Peering from behind the Cap’n’s bulky arms, Richard was stunned by how beautiful she looked.
Dan, it seemed, was also speechless from the glorious sight, but found words soon enough.
“Cait, would you please gather some people together and round up the UC troops?”
“Sure thing, Commander,” she said, giving Dan a smart salute.
“There should be plenty of rope in the Falcon to tie them up with,” Richard said.
She nodded and left.
Richard remarked to her back, “Maybe there’ll even be enough extra for you to tie me up.”
The Cap’n overheard this and chuckled.
“Yer’ll need to be a lil' smoover, me ‘earty, to win a beauty like that.”
Rich nodded and promptly passed out.
When he awoke, Caitlin was leading a large group of combined students and wise guys to gather together the enemy soldiers and tie them to each other in groups of five. Other students were tending to the injuries of their comrades, under the direction of Steve, and Mafioso doctor Louie “the Doc” Lapiozzo. Still other assorted groups of students were bustling about collecting weapons and armor off the field, and repairing cars. Richard was lying in a sleeping bag behind the shield wall, close to Dan, Tony, and the Captain, who were all in quiet discussion. He could make out what they were saying.
“You’ve been with Umbrella a while, Cap’n. Could you give us some information about it? I’d like to know what we’re going up against here.” Dan was asking.
The Cap’n leaned forward.
“Just how much do yer lads know?”
“Other than that they’re crazy as hell, a danger to one and all, and led by an insane old man, nothing.” Tony answered.
Their giant cyborg companion rubbed a metal hand across his brow.
“Well, then in that case, I figger it’s best if I begin at the beginnin’.”
“What’s the beginning?” Dan asked quickly.
“1835. That was the year that the Umbrella Corporation was founded, though it traces back much farver than that. The Umbrella Corporation really began in 1583, during the start of the Scientific Revolution.”
“That really is the beginning.” Dan muttered.
“That’s impossible.” Richard staggered out of his sleeping bag. “The first Corporation was The East Indies Company, founded in 1601.”
The group looked up.
“Ah,” the Cap’n said, “But that’s where yer wrong.” He smiled and carried on. “I’ll explain the whole thing, but first, lemme switch off me pirate voice modulator, so’s yer three can unnerstand what I be tellin’ yer.” The Cap’n entered a code series of numbers into a small keypad located on his wrist, and carried on in normal diction.
“In the year 1583, a monk was doing archaelogical studies in the Middle East. He unearthed a strange symbol in ruins outside of the Sumerian city of Ur. According to most accounts, it looked like this:" The Cap'n drew a symbol in the mud. When he leaned back allow the heroes to see, a gasp arose from all three of them. The symbol the Cap'n had drawn was the logo of the Umbrella Corporation. He continued.
"That monk returned to Europe, slaughtered the inhabitants of his monastery, and disappeared into the pages of history, never to be heard from again."
The heroes sat in shocked silence.
"The Umbrella Corporation was officially founded in Europe, in 1835, by a man named Dr. Thaddeus Trans, an infamous scientist who was, up until 1820, a teacher at Oxford. That year he left under a flurry of scandal. He had reportedly raped and killed several of his students in order to perform a series of almost ritualistic experiments. After being banned from the university, and shunned by all the prominent social circles in London, he retreated to a private island off the coast of Norway.”
“What was Trans a doctor of?” Dan asked.
“At Oxford, he was a professor of bio-chemistry, but he also had degrees in psychology and anthropology.”
“Impressive,” remarked Tony.
“During his self-imposed exile, he presumably continued the horrific experiments he had begun at Oxford. For fifteen years he remained on the island, conducting his biological research. Then, in 1835, he returned to Europe and founded the world’s first corporate entity, the Umbrella Corporation.”
“What did they sell?” asked Richard.
“Umbrellas,” answered the Cap’n. “Of course, the ones they sold were mostly all flammable, or insanely dangerous in some way. Some of them actually ate people. Now, I don’t know how they managed to create those monstrous devices at the time, but they did. And I don’t know how it happened, but the corporation thrived. For some unfathomable reason they became a leading power during the Industrial Revolution. They began to diversify. They branched off into textiles and machinery manufacturing. They also started to make weapons. The Umbrella Corporation was one of the primary suppliers of arms to both sides during both World Wars. By 1950, there was an Umbrella Corporation headquarters on every continent, in almost every country on the globe. Its success was incomprehensible. It was around this time, specifically 1952, when Ninja Pirate Incorporated was founded,” he smiled, “and I was built.”
The Cap’n paused and stared thoughtfully off into space for a moment.
“Somehow they were at the exactly right point for both the Atomic Age boom and the Information Age boom, and now own several of the world’s leading software companies. Close to twenty years ago, they began experimenting with reviving dead tissue. Ten years ago, industrial espionage resulted in disaster at their laboratories beneath Raccoon City. Five years after that, Raccoon City became flooded with the walking dead. And one year ago, you brave lads decided to try to take on the Umbrella Corporation. Next to a few impossibly beautiful super spies, you boys are the only enemies the Umbrella has had over their one hundred and seventy year history who have stayed alive long enough to cause them any serious trouble.”
Tony smiled appreciatively and thanked the Cap’n. The giant creature nodded and continued.
“I have long guessed that the success of the corporation is in some way tied to the experiments Trans began at Oxford and finished on his island, all those years ago. Unfortunately, no one has any knowledge of the experiments save Trans himself.”
Dan interrupted, “You mean no one had any knowledge, right? Trans died decades ago, I assume.”
The Cap’n looked grimly at Dan. “No, I used the proper tense. Dr. Thaddeus Trans, the maniac who founded the Umbrella Corporation one hundred and seventy years ago, is the same man who built me, fifty-five years ago, and is the same man whom Richard saw, one night ago.”
There was a moment of stunned silence.
“But that would mean he’d have to be at least two hundred years old!” exclaimed Dan.
“No one knows how old Trans actually is,” said the Cap’n, “except for Trans himself, of course.”
“This is unbelievable. This means we are dealing with a very dangerous force.” Tony said.
“Rich, what more can you tell us about what you saw last night?”
There was no answer.
“Rich?”
The three heroes looked over to Richard’s sleeping bag.
It was empty.
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